Notes

Last night i literally sat there for five hours holding back tears thinking about what else there was to do, but i realized i literally gave you everything i could and it still wasn't enough, so right now you're happy with him and if anything i'm going to cause you to be upset.
i tried, you know i did but i cant do it anymore, it kills me thinking about how the time you used to spend talking to me is now spent on someone else, especially him after all hes done to you and put you through. I stayed with you through everything you've been through and everything you've said to me. You even told me that I never cared about you and that it was always the feelings but if that were true then why did I stay with you after the whole thing in September? I truly deep down from the bottom of my heart love you like you're family and I wouldn't stop at anything to make you happy but I got fucked over like this. All throughout what's happened this whole thing this hit me the hardest because I cant believe after all we've been through together and all the time we spent together you could think that I never cared. I want you to know that I cared from the beginning and there was never a moment where I didn't. I still do care and I still want whats best for you and i don't want to tell you to leave him though i know what kind of person he is because i know you're genuinely happier with him than with anyone else and that you wouldnt even if i had asked you too. I tried so hard Sara believe me i did, and its not you as a person because honestly before all of this I can literally say i was the happiest person in the world when i would spend time with you or talk to you or Skype you and my mood would change even at the mention of your name, but then it crushed me when this happened thinking how after all the effort I put into something like this in the end I always get fucked over. I did everything i could for you and set no limits because i just wanted you to be happy. You've told me that i'm the greatest thing that's ever happened to you and most girls don't have someone like that so i just don't understand how you could not see me that way but i cant change anything. You told me to delete tweets, i did, you told me not to talk to certain people about something, i agreed and just kept it all inside no matter how much it hurt me because I didn't want you to be upset. I literally accepted to going through pain and bottling something inside instead of talking about it JUST because it bothered you. Who else would do that for you? But i guess it just wasn't enough. you're crazy for him and there's nothing i can do about it. Everyone has told me that i haven't been the same for the past couple of days, Ali said it, parmis said it, my mom and grandma noticed, and I've been trying to get it through my head that you're worth it, and believe me you are and if there was any other way i would've taken it, but its tearing me apart. I literally spent three months with you, and all i wanted throughout those three months was your happiness, and i tried to give it to you all the time. I've done more for you then i have for anyone else and I was just hoping it would be enough for you to realize but now I know that the feelings for him were never gone no matter how much you would tell me you don't care about him, or don't even think about him anymore or how much i tried to make you realize that all I have wanted since i met you is your happiness. I tried so much for you, believe me I did. You had a throat infection? I skipped school and grabbed your friends to come see you. TWICE. You were sick at home and couldn't come out? I got you the food you wanted and walked to your house just to be able to spend time with you. You have homework? I stayed up with you as long as i could losing my own sleep just so i could make sure you don't get distracted and stay on track. You had problems at home or with family? I dropped everything and would text you and try my hardest to comfort you and wouldn't stop until i was sure you were okay. I've done literally EVERYTHING I could to make you realize that all I want is whats best for you and I just wanted you to be happy. I've literally never given up on helping you no matter what it takes. You feel down about school and your future and university and even though you say nothing people say will help you with that I still didn't give up and would try so so so so hard to just make you crack a smile. I've always stuck by your side an reassured you with everything you go through. I've tried my hardest to help you through everything but it was never enough. At the end of the day it wasn't enough to make you realize how I felt, but you're happy now so i'm not standing in the way of that. I'm not good right now and the one thing that can help me I don't have anymore. I hope he realizes how lucky of a guy he is and treats you properly. Message me every once in a while and please try to change my mind. Don't give up on me even if it seems like i'm giving up on you. There's nothing more I want than to have you in my life but hes making it so hard, I cant get the image of you out of my head and think to myself what he did that I didn't and I still haven't realized but you fell for him and not me. I'm sorry for all I've put you through and I really just hope that you're truly happy. Ill always love you and you're always going to be the best thing that's came out of high school for me. I truly do care about you and I want whats best for you and literally up until I started developing feelings for you I saw you as a sister and would always try my best for you. Never forget this. This is truly how I feel and I don't know if i'll bring myself to send this to you but if I do just know i'm sorry for everything I put you through. I don't know why you've stuck around so far but I appreciate everything you've done for me starting from not letting me smoke, to doing my school work, to handing in assignments and all that kind of stuff. You've made me a better person and i'm eternally grateful to you. I'll always love you and you'll always be that one soft spot in my heart. I told myself I would never cry for a girl or over a girl but I've found myself to have cried in the span of this week more than i have my whole life, but i'm okay with it because you are literally the greatest thing that's EVER happened to me. Everyone needs a person like you in there life and i'm glad you were in mine. Now this is too feelsy so i'm gonna add some stuff that'll make you laugh a bit so ummm remember that time i walked into a wall in anthro? Or when i drank the spider milk? How about when I climbed on the roof for a bouncy ball? Or my grandmas lectures on being halal? Or when I fell off the CC roof? I think that's a pretty good combo to make you laugh. Well just remember I love you from the bottom of my heart and you're always going to be the one soft spot in my heart.

When I say I love you I truly mean that I do from the bottom of my heart not involving any feelings I may have for you. Like literally I love you more than life itself. There's nothing I wouldn't do to make you happy.