Notes

Wenesday 22th of May 2013. I was late for school, this morning was like any other morning. I would be late for school and so rushing to the kitchen I would take something to eat on my way. I remember seeing her for the last time, she was there in her bed smiling while looking at her Ipad. Like a normal morning I would ask her for some money for lunch and I would run to school kissing her goodbye. Sadly this was not like any other morning, it was not a normal day, I could feel it. This was the beggining of a very horrible life changing day .One year and a half ago I fell in a black hole, my life went to the lowest it could ever go. From the moment I heard my brother screaming from the next room I knew my life would never be the same. I remember falling down as I was standing and just look at my life in a flash. I can not even remember how I was because I was so schocked
Depression can not be defined, even by the smartest people in the whole world. When suicide comes by we ask ourselves these questions: How? Why? There is no response to that because we can not know what the person was feeling when they did this horrible thing. At first I hated my mother for doing that, I hated her so much, I was so angry at her that I wanted to hit a wall. Then came the phase in wich I knew it was not her fault and that she was someone else at that moment. I learned to live with it, I stopped having regrets, I stopped having this guilt and thinking that I could have done something to stop her from doing it. I am not God, I am not someone that can resolve that issue, that mystery, no one can. In the past four years, I became someone else with this constant worry for my mother. In the past four years I had this constant pain of seeing my mother in bad shape and not really having her around. This tragedy did affect my grades, my social life, my studies for a while because I was lost and I thought that life was not worth it. I was angry at everything: I could not focus, I could not look at things in a good way, everything was bad for me. The only things going on in my head were « why?How?what could I have done? » Life was a horrible tragedy. I was just blank, I had no mother, it was not even imaginable, I remember, the night it happend, thinking that it was just a nightmare that I would fall asleep and that the next morning my mother would be there at the kitchen table talking about how she would be going to a sports lesson later in the day. She would kiss me goodbye and it would have been a normal day like any other.
After some time I stood back and learned a lot of lessons, life is happy place, we have to live it the most we can. I learned from this tragedy that I had to build my life, get better and be happy for my mother, take her as an inspiration and work hard for the things I wanted. All I want is to succeed, to be happy and to make her proud. Today I try to make the best of what life gives me, I started to work again to prove to myself that life was worth living. I am not depressed, I am not sad, I am happy to be surrounded by loving people, people that have a heart, a family that loves me, friends that will always be here for me, and, step by step I am climbing up that mountain I fell years ago.
Here I am, a 17 years old girl that lived the horrible tragedy of loosing her mother from depression, the mystery of sickness. Here I am stronger than ever, trying to find a place in society and make my future a great future. I know that my mother is somewhere out there, looking out for me and I hope she is proud of whom I became and proud that I want to succeed. I will always remember her as my inspiration, her love for life, her love for her family and her generosity to anyone she had met. She was always here for me and today I am trying to be like her a loving person, courageous and not afraid of anything and taking risks. I want to do the things I love in life, I am ready to go through any obstacles, I am ready for anything thanks to her.