Notes

(sorry if this is triggering in anyway)

I've started to become depressed and suicidal again no matter how happy I become I always end up later back to the start honestly ive had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts since I can remember I've just always been depressed to some extent most of my life and im starting to get temptations to self harm again the closest thing I have to a coping method is the internet it allows me to distract myself for five seconds all day until I look at another video at this point its starting to fail things that made me happy aren't making me happy I don't wanna talk to my family to get a therapist because they're gonna question why I want one blame it on the internet and if I go to a therapist and tell the truth I'll be sent to a mental rehabilitation Center I'm guessing that most of this is me over thinking about how much I was mocked and how many things I could have been good at but stopped just out of embarrassment of doing it and being mocked constantly by my family friends and strangers im super interested in art art techniques and a bunch of other shit but ill never teach myself out of pure embarrassment from being mocked so much being interested in little things then never bringing them up I wanted to be an artist when I was younger was told I'd never make it wanted to be a historian and was told thats stupid and doesn't make enough money I'm stupidly interested in kids shows and movies from being mocked by my mother for watching them so now I watch them when nobodies looking I'm starting to lose all social skills from barely having friends and only talking to one person talking to people is genuinely starting to freak me out and confuse me on what to say I just wanna be happy not constantly go through the same cycle of being happy to wanting to kill myself I don't wanna have to constantly think every 2-6 months if I'll make it past 18 the pain from self harm is becoming relaxing and tempting

Also sorry for venting im trying to get my feelings out and your the only one I trust and like enough to talk to because the last time I decided to keep my feelings in I almost committed suicide sorry