Notes

help.

i've been feeling depressed for about 3 months now. at first, it felt raw- i cried all the time, self harmed once and occasionally thought about suicide, but i could get myself up and put a fake smile on. i can't do it anymore.

i don't cry, i just have this vague feel of stinging behind my eyes constantly, like there are tears and i can't just cry. i feel numb. i haven't exercised since forever. often i can't get myself up in the morning so i just don't go to school.

i've always been pretty good or at least average at school, but i can't concentrate anymore and i just can't be bothered. i sleep a lot but i wake up every night multiple times& i'm tired all the time. all i do is lay on my bed, browse mindlessly the internet and eat. sometimes i don't even care enough to eat enough.

mostly i just feel utterly uninterested in the world and my future (and at the same time i'm scared as hell because if i keep failing now then i'll fail in life and will i ever even get a proper job if i can't get out of bed?) i can't make decisions and i feel anxious.

i've been to a psychiatrist and i've been diagnosed with depression yet my parents can't either understand or cope with it. various things they've said to me
"no need to play a martyr, everyone around is a having a hard time"
"if we can't go to work because of you then it has got out of hands.. have to move out eventually.."
"can't you see your mum is having a really hard time because of you?"

they suggested that i'd skip the last weeks of school a week ago and i refused then but now i feel like i'm drowning and i just CAN'T anymore so i asked if that was still a possibility and they said things such as "maybe you should try to keep up", "try more", "maybe it isn't that bad", "it's about the thinking", "more positivity"

i feel nothing all the time and if i could just vanish or dissolve into the air and be gone, i'd be happy.