Notes

(think bout his name; i see him and just immediately find everything about him attractive; how amazing it woul
d be to be with him; him naked; him showering naked outside in greece; back then, i already really wanted to make out with him on the beach; how he obviously is straight and what im doing is creepy and really deep in denial; danganronpa nostalgia and with mom; confidence; what does he want; what does he feel; he could def have a gf, so why doesnt he, so many girls liked him and he really didnt like any of them back )
him coming in with sunglasses, how does he feel about me, did he come with the bike or bus today, see him naked in bad ragaz, hes gonna look so hot in fancy clothes on friday, i wanna talk to him and confess my feelings, only one life and if youre unlucky you might just have a bad or short one, i wanna walk with him and spend time with him, more girls should wear short skirts and stockings like anime girl, his reactions whenever i talk bout anime girl seem a bit weird, i remember when dan said niggls doesnt look physically attracted when talking to girls, what the fuck happened with florine and him there were so many moments i was sure they were together
having your first time, just kinda awkwardly lay on top of each other at first, its weird but still really hot and loving and funny, it must be such an amazing experience
am i annoying to other people like ilse or niklas when i tell them about my problems cuz daniele said that can become exhausting real quick cuz everyone has their own problems already and i shouldnt latch on to someone after theyve been nice to me once, he said he himself might say hes there to help but would get annoyed if they asked again, maybe he hopes i get the hint i shouldnt ask him any more, he said were a trio but thats not true, how does niggls feel he might also say its ok so i dont kill myself but it could still be annoying, but then why did florine say that its ez for him
niggls knows girls like him that must be so awesome he could have sex and romance
i wish i could believe in love and that everything will work out but it wont cuz im just too unlucky with my heart
i am literally always horny, i would guess most guys are, is he not tho? or why didnt he hit it off with isabell or florine
trauma and social fears, ruining your one life and chances for love
hot guys but still closeted and shy (alec lightwood), i wonder if hes also like that
being bi could be awesome perhaps maybe possibly someday when anyone is actually into me
could he be into me, id love to be with him, talking to him, stuff i could do with him, dates, making out passionately
obviously he doesnt put in any effort to see me, so its impossible that hes interested in me in any way, but we have soooooo many amazing memories together where i really thought he could have feelings for me, that dream i had where we made out and went on a date was so indescribable, he also dreamt of me once apparently, i wanna be special to him, florine asking in the first class (before i was into him!) if we make out, him showing up in the library, him NOT getting with any girl that likes him, him texting me at 2 in the morning coincidentally when we were arguing at home, wanna at least talk to him about future and falling in love being loved back having sex
its such a weird thought that my future love and sex life will most likely consist of people i dont know yet, im scared i wont find anyone that loves me back and finds me attractive, its hard to imagine loving people that i dont know yet
so many memories of coming out, imagine if he was also gay, thatd be so awesome, who or what is he attracted to, what does he jerk off to, so many girls are into him, didnt he like any of them back, he said he didnt like amanda but somehow she was still his number 1 girl, hes fine with staying a virgin, how horny is he, does he have no desire for romantic and loving stuff, maybe there is still a tiny chance he would say yes if i asked him out, then we could go on dates and hold hands and i could see him nude and fuck him
him saying "rather workout than jogg with me" could be kinda rude, but! either hes rude in general which he isnt, he doesnt like me in general which i dont think so, he doesnt wanna spend much time with me, or that he feels so close to me that its fine if hes a little rude since he knows our bond is so strong
DR should we take our clothes off, especially with kazuomi, is so hot, i wish i could do that with him
those guys he did the streaking with know what he looks naked and while they dont do that cuz they aint into guys, every time they see him, they could theoretically think bout how he looks underneath all his clothes
why am i so bad at juggling, others are so good, niggls could do it after like 20 minutes practice, i practised for 3 hours and still suck, how am i gonna achieve anything in life, im so pathetic, how can it be so easy for him, i wish i was him, he can probably do that easy and for him it comes naturally, i have no talents whatsoever, im worthless, who would wanna go out with someone like me
noone writes me i wonder how many whatsapp messages he constantly gets, having sex and losing your virginity must be such a nice thing but ill probably nevcer experience it and itll be so sad and pathetic, him being so attractive to many girls he could easily have sex cuz hes into girls and horny, all my wishes and dreams for a life i wanna live will never come true and ill feel so sad and unfulfilled having missed out on so many amazing things so why even bother seeing it all play out if itll just be more time for me to have horrible feelings, i really wish i could still have hope left for my future but i just dont i just cant believe itll all get better so im just gonna kill myself and even if then i would still have my physical and mental scars and i could never catch up to the others in terms of happy memories and my life will never be normal and fun and itll be so much worse than anyone elses im gonna be so jealous for everyone so why even bother going through that everyone else has such a better life than me, all my friendships arent real how much does anyone genuienly care about or know about me noone ever thinks about me or wants to do anything with me not meet or talk or sit or game with me, i wanna confess to him see how he reacts to my sadness or if i tell him how much i love him and wanna spend the rest of my life with him and want to get to know him better and without clothes, im only alive once and im only myself and i try to have the most fun i can, everything he says just immediately seems so cool and makes me wanna be with him even more his smile is so cute his body is so hot and he is also so popular i cant believe he wasnt sure about that when we talked on new years and how can he be unsure if hell get a wife if so many girls are into him
i wanna be with him but obviously he doesnt make an effort to spend any time with me and he is perfectly happy chilling with everyone else, in fact he approaches all of them way more often cuz he wants to talk to them and not me, unless of course hes also shy like i am toward him but no way, daniele probably wants to steal him and keep us apart and get between us like ilse and yannis said but he suceeded, whenever i see him i just feel happy but also incredibly horny cuz hes so hot, i just know that making out with him would be the best feeling in the world because its something sexual which already feels great but also just so much love, but thatll never happen cuz hes not into guys and especially not into me and all those memories and signs that i thought was fate being a wingman didnt matter
does he like being himself, being a guy, being into girls, all that stuff about himself and gender and sexuality and sex
how much does dan adore niggls, he said he didnt like ANYONE and is unable to truly love someone but he seems to like niggls so much its even gayer than gay people, i wish someone would like me that much tho
him saying he might become an alcoholic, im so scared of my future, will it be bright and will i have a successful career, will i find love and lose my virginity, i dont know and im scared the despair of finding out none of my dreams came true will crush me into infinite pain
does he feel any insecurities at all, alicias weird jealous insults, hes so confident but that cant be that hard when youre so hot and talented and so many people are into you both platonically and romantically and sexually, i hate that i kinda want him to be vulnerable and show sadness and fear and other deeper emotions to me
i bet ill never ever have a boy- or girlfriend and if i do, it probably wont last and they will definitely be the one to break up with me, cuz its impossible that i end the relationship and they would be crying over losing ME, im worthless and since everyone only has one life it would be unwise to waste any of it spending time with me
i really wish someone felt the same way about me, loving and caring for me so much and wanting me to be happy and being happy just by being with me, i dont think im destined to ever feel that indescribably beautiful feeling of love, but he definitely will since so many girls are into him, why doesnt he love any of them back, doesnt he want love and sex
i just cant see myself ever being so attractive to someone that i would be the one to get asked out, even tho that must be such an amazing feeling, how did niggls talk to flori about it, how happy was it, did he cherish that at least, how would he react if i told him, its kinda embarassing how many baskets i got vs how many he gives, pathetic really, i somehow dont really wanna grant him that feeling of attractiveness, but oh well, i do love him
sometimes when hes being so silly and goofy, its hard to imagine him naked and seriously horny, hard to imagine hes a sexual person, but in a way that only makes it hotter and more special knowing that yeah he does jerk off of course and it probably looks so hot, plus the same probably applies to me even more cuz im so unattractive to everyone
how kinky is he, i wanna see him horny, i probably wont ever be able to "satisfy someone between the sheets", im probably really bad in bed, tho ill never find out cuz ill probably never have sex anyway
so many teens experience so many beautiful romantic moments and i just wont, in my one life, which just sucks
i just love him, wanna talk to him, cuddle with him, see him naked and im sad cuz we didnt talk, he doesnt really need me to be happy, makes no effort to spend time with me, will probably be with vani soon
although yesterday when he didnt see me sitting behind alicia, he asked where i was, which shows that maybe he does care about me, but thinks that i dont need him, which to be fair i do kinda avoid him but only cuz im so shy, and maybe he too doesnt really know how to approach me and just leaves me be cuz i look happy and that makes him happy enough, him talking with others doesnt deminish our memories at all
when i played path we follow on piano, that random thought about people saying you dont seem like the type to...
when he was asked at joels if he would want his first time as a one night stand or with a person he cares about emotionally, hearing him talk about sex and love was already so hot to see, tho its crazy he hasnt had sex yet
i would love to do a workout with him, to see if hes more athletic than me or maybe even if hes worse at my workout than me, also i could see him with his shirt off, doing something exhausting together is also nice bonding i guess and then it shows me that hes also just a human
in dans pool when we had so much fun, in swimwear youre basically naked, crazy to think only a bit of fabric protected his dick from the rest of the world, would he be embarassed to be naked in front of people, is he ashamed of his naked body? most likely not, even tho hes kinda skinny he looked so hot, i love his body and his hair and his eyes
how would he react if he knew all these notes and how much i think about him, he would find me super creepy and weird which is completely accurate, and would never wanna do something with me again
him and biking, he said why would he ride a bike when its so cold, then he came with a bike in the evening, biking really isnt that special but he just looks so good and talented and hot doing it, omg im so in love with him
remembering how his eyes squint when we laugh together, his smile is so cute
in first class when we didnt know each other so much, jan and thanush and joel made fun of florine and i remember thinking that shes probably annoying and boring, now weve changed so much, back then noone was together with anyone, she could have developed feelings for me but she didnt, must be nice when someone falls in love with you, i dont know how exactly i felt bout niggls back then, i know i liked him, but i didnt even love him yet
there are so many memories where i really thought he could be interested in me, really cared for my opinion, wanted to know stuff about me, its so hard to judge how anyone feels about me
right now he is somewhere doing something with maybe someone and i notice how i just wanna... be there
one day you could just randomly die somehow in an accident, from an assault or from an illness, no matter how much i didnt wanna kill myself, then youre gonna have a funeral, thats a weird thought that you wont be there anymore
when i hear about victims of kidnapping that were tortured and raped and had to endure unimaginable pain, i just get so overwhelmed at how unfair life is, he probably never will have to feel that and just be happy and have sex, tho if it did happen to him would i feel bad im scared i wouldnt if he didnt love me back anway, im a bad person
so much nostalgia for gravity falls and yttd
developing a personality, who is me really, love have to accept he wont love me, if he did love me we could have so many nice moments and i wouldnt believe how happy i am, seeing other peoples profile pics and stories, being jealous of others lives, he doesnt think a lot and turns his head off, what happens after death and being scared of it, after gym i might not see most of them and they will study maybe in different parts of switzerland and ill be sad thinking theyll find love and stuff somewhere else and what if i wont find that, thinking about what other people do, being 18 others that are older than me have been alive longer thats such a weird thought, tho its nice ilaria said that you cant really tell that i am only 17
does he want to go on tinder, does he crave sex, does he want love, what was with florine, doesnt he want to lose his virginity, will he get together with vani, i know i love him, i dont really want him to have so many admirers but i do have feelings for him and its impossible that with so many he could choose me, then again apparently i was the person he has the best time with out of everyone, he definitely wont have to worry about maybe not having a wife, i wanna hold him and caress his hair and be naked with him and travel to japan and quokka island with him, i need to confess to him so i can maybe maybe maybe start to accept it and move on, but its gonna be so painful
all the small moments where i thought he could be gay, vani was sitting on his lap but he didnt seem to really specially care, shes definitely horny for him that must be such a nice feeling, i love his smile tho even the arrogant cocky one, he does seem to enjoy when women flirt with him but he never made a move back, the same evening flori told niggls he needs to ask her to go out sometime he asks me to watch a movie with him in front of her
in second class he said he knows everyone has a crush on him and then i said why hasnt he made a move on his crush if hes so sure and then he turned quiet, he never did wanna talk bout his crushes, he raised his hand at alicias when saying that he has a crush on someone in the group but who was that, it mustve been a girl right? if so why didnt he do anything he probs couldve had a chance with everyone, he said he kinda liked ami maybe he simply saw the karen in her, at dans first pool party when asked if he likes someone he said he doesnt although he does find certain "people" attractive, could be nothing but i feel like most non-lgbt guys would just say girl, only closet cases would say people and i know cuz i used to say that
omg just imagining he could like me back makes me so unbelievably happy, knowing someone likes you must be so awesome, no matter what you do the other person likes it and you can have so much fun together
nao not wanting to die is one of the hardest things for me to watch ever, also kanna dying as a kid, sou caring so much about kanna is so wholesome tho
these guys from borderland bus tunnel, even tho theyve only known each other for a week they care so much about each other, thats how friendship and bonds work, spending time with someone and growing closer, there are so many people in borderland tho and so many had to die
im so scared hell be with vani soon and lose his virginity, she sat on his lap and nadine said there could be tea soon since vani said something bout niggls, probably how much she wants him, but maybe niggls will be his weird asexual maybe please gay self and reject yet another girl pining for him, i mean what even was with those 2 girls from secondary, no wonder hes so confident, he must feel great about himself
just thought of the new year talk, that was so nice, he said such kind things, i want him to smile with me and at me and because of me
ami and axel are official now, both probs had sex and beautiful dates by now, will i ever? i do want something romantic during my gym time, so that we can sneakily make out in the halls, other people can gossip about it, etc, he will probably experience something romantic without even trying, i just wish he would look at me with hearts in his eyes
when asked if he wants to have his first time with a stranger or with someone he cares about, he said the latter i think, wonder if anyone popped into his head at that point, is that why he doesnt go on tinder, he must be horny right, how bad does he want his first time, oh god hell be with vani soon, or hes into me (yeah of course), or just not interested in anyone at the moment, which is good for him
one time when the bus drove by with him inside, i did see him turning his head to look after me, which is nice i guess
memories of vässero, there in the morning, washing dishes, i remember the nice nature smell, nice experiences indeed
i do feel like he loves listening to me talk, even subjects that i at first assumed he wouldnt care about, still cant believe hes unsure if hell get a wife or not, unless of course he knows that hes gay, but he isnt, no way, nada
i wish i had a supportive friend like kaito or a girlfriend like kaede, but i have neither and nothing even close to it
its so weird there was a time when we didnt exist yet, but everyone else already did
i wonder how "different" he is when jerking off and being really lewd and horny, i wanna see that side of him
everything i wrote here will literally be null and void once hell reject me or will be with vani
i wanna have sexual and romantic experiences, i just know how infinitely happy i would be if we were together and in school i could just casually hold his hand or put my arm around him
in vandermerwe playing drinking game, petra had to horn him up, which he didnt want cuz her bf was there but i wouldve loved to see him horny (fuck i was already so into him back then), then when he was asked who he last jerked off to, apparently to porn and he said "some model", weird that he would use that one gender unspecific word instead of just saying some hot girl or porn actress
i wanna see him naked and jerking off so bad, it really is pathetic, although maybe not, idk people are horny right?
idk how close he feels to me, or anyone i guess, and if im kinda annoying or if he always likes being around me, when we talked i learned a bit about his failures and fears, that feels so nice and makes me feel less lost and alone
v3 chapter 6 gives me so much nostalgia, i remember learning about it and being mind blown, its so fucking good
how do others see me, as just another person with feelings or do they find me annoying, what do they think when they look at me, do they care about me, how does he feel about others liking him so much, if only he loved me
im scared ill miss out on so many experiences cuz im worthless, how does anyone feel about me, how does he, i wanna be in bad ragaz with him, flander around at night, make out, cuddle together, my life will suck, it wont get better, i have no reason to keep living for myself, i cant suffer this much for my family, i wanna feel loved and special to someone
imagine if he knew the responsibility he had, that someone loved him so much he wants to kill himself over it, we had so many great memories walking home from parties, but now he just spends time with dan and gets away from me as quickly as he can, he doesnt have the best time with me anymore thats for sure, it made me so happy when he said that, how much am i worth to him, does he feel any desire to spend time and have fun with ME over others
i wanna be with someone who i am certain loves me, so i can just go to them, rip their clothes off, passionately make out and they are just as into it as i am, thats what i want in my life, and if i cant get that, i dont want to live
we saw in that psychology test were both useless in terms of working and learning efficiently, but at least he is hot and girls fall in love with him, i dont even have that, i have no feelings of affections towards me
how much does he text others or do stuff with them, hes always so happy and confident i wish i could too, im scared ill suck at every job and will have to ask for money from my parents constantly and ill be a total failure in the working world as well as the romance world, he wont have to worry hell definitely be successfull and have a wife
i just think that ill never be worth anything, im so unattractive, i have no chance dating someone, nobody will ever tell me that they love me or will wanna have sex with me
talking to him felt so nice and he said such nice things, but he likes daniele way more for sure, right
i only have one life and if i make bad life decisions that was the only chance and ill never get it back and thats it
others have lost their virginity with 16 and i will probably need another dozen years and thats so pathetic and it makes me sad, no person was ever interested in me sexually or romantically
something changed between us in that last time, what was it, did my crush become too obvious, were my issues and my sadness getting bothersome, was it vanessa, did daniele take over, or were it some coincidences that led to me distancing myself from him out of shyness and he assumes i also dislike him and also distances himself, hes talking to daniele so much and vani is flirting with him and he makes no effort to talk to me, i was always so happy spending time with him, why did that have to change
dan is probably acting as a matchmaker for vani and niggls, hes probably thinking its about time he loses his virginity, i wish anyone would do that for me, but they cant of course because i dont have anyone who would remotely be interested in being together with me, i feel like i also deserve love and sex but most likely i dont
i wanna walk and laught with him like we used to, his life is so great, he has everything, i have nothing, i really need to confess with him, maybemaybemaybe life will surprise and evErYtHinG wIlL woRk oUt, but hell just reject me and maybe feel sorry for me, but nothing good will come out of it, i will just have to give up on the love of my life and accept that hell be with vanessa and hell have sex with her, our lives will continue after gym and he wont ever be thinking of me, while i probably miss him all the time, life is so unfair and mine happens to be on the sad side
why cant i be together with the person i love so much, why wont fate just allow it, so many memories but it all leads to this, i will kill myself because i simply cant bear my loveless nigglsless future, i want him to be a part of my life and i want to be a part of his life
when we went to yumihana together, omg we did so much but im obviously worthless to him
he is happy hes alive, he has many fun experiences on this earth, he doesnt want to die, he wants to live and have more happy moments, i dont, i wish i was never born, i want to die
does he consider me a real friend of his, he cant possibly, otherwise he would try to talk to me more or try and cheer me up, he would want me to be happy and would want to be happy together, i wanna have a life where people think "wow, he has a good life", but right now everyone justifiably is glad to not be me, but i HAVE to be me, i just wanna know why i have to suffer so much, is there a reason, will everything be a thousand times better in the future at least, do i have to suffer first before i can be happy, but others dont have to, its so unfair, im in love with him
when walz asked me if i was okay, florine looked back, was she worried about me a little bit
at new years, when niggls said they are VERY worried about me right now, it made me so happy, that talk was nice
talking to him wont hurt, about how im scared cuz i only have one life and im currently messing it up and theres no going back and my life simply will be bad, cuz either hell say really nice things and maybe he also loves me and my life can be the best life in the history of mankind or he doesnt and then i wont have to cling to any hope of life meaning it well with me and can finally kill myself
dan once said im one of his favorite people in the class, he said that i would leave a hole that woudl be hard to fill, he said a ton of people care about me and he would be very sad, but that was either a lie or simply did a 180
i just dont know how to go on, why do others like to live, because they have love and friends, i dont have that, what am i supposed to do then????? i just dont fucking know how im supposed to find any satisfaction in life, what is the factor that makes him wanna wake up in the morning and not die, is there even one, there probably isnt, im just really really fucked
he never liked any girl back that was into him, maybe he differentiating factor when i confess to him will be my dick, oh imagine if anyone was horny for me and wanted to see my dick (i guess nick was, but thats too long ago)
of course im worth the least camels as well, im always the worst and least best in everything


IDEAS: villain who used to be good guys friend, kinda tragic story, theyre struggling with being good or evil, but then in a moment of desperation and fear they kill someone and its irreversible and unforgivable, the protags now truly hate them and they are completely destroyed and become more broken and evil, but its super sad and tragic tho (namaari)
a character that is mentioned a lot and is kinda hyped up and then finally appears (like tammy 1)
a character who is kinda nice but has a looooot of flaws and becomes unhealthily obsessed and does evil things like satoko