Notes

I wanted to have an early night for once. Sit down, close the heavy, dusted covered books, gather the papers lined with writing and clean the ink stains that gathered around the quill. Leave all the work behind and relax. I I filled up the tub with hot water, ready to dive in, happy and free of the dark, uneasy thoughts that like to surround me. I actually managed to curl a smile on my lips, as I enjoyed the warmth take over, and wrap me in an almost nostalgic feeling. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. For a time, my mind was peacefully quiet. I looked at the white sealing, dark mold spots gathered in the corner and questions started rolling in, judging my decisions, asking if I was really doing the right thing, or if it was just a tightly built illusion I was feeding to myself. My absent gaze turned sour. Those kind of ideas always struck me with fear - a breath freezing horror, that all the solitude and sacrifices and rules that I constructed my life around were pointless. What if i was choosing to believe the wrong thing, purposely ignoring reason and facts. A chill down my spine. I hated thinking like that - perhaps the reason I always stayed on this path, merely strolling around it, never changing the direction, altering the fixed destination I saw in mind.