Notes

[–]beeasaurusrex 53 points 4 months ago
This is what I do for genital shaving in general, but I'll edit it a bit to fit your butthole.
Use a moustache/nose hair trimmer to trim off all the excess hair until it's short enough to feel like 2 day old stubble, and then apply good hair conditioner or shaving gel and exfoliate using a loofah or washcloth. The idea is to get all the hair up and on end and stimulate the skin while opening the pores; this avoids ingrown hair and razor burn, which you do not want on your butthole.
Now wash your butthole. Intensely. Imagine that Emma Watson is going to be giving you a rimjob in an hour. You do not want to leave any stone unturned, so to speak. Shove your soapy finger up there and really get your sphincters squeaky clean. Don't hurt yourself, just make sure you don't have any icky fecal matter or tiny sharp hair nuggets trapped in the mysterious crevices of your anal caverns.
Use a BRAND NEW 4-blade disposable razor/razor blade cartridge. Don't use a dull blade or you will regret it. Shave with the grain, first, not against it. Rinse after each and every stroke of the blade against your skin. Re-apply conditioner/gel and shave again, this time against the grain and again be sure to rinse after every stroke. Rinse completely and then give it a quick wash with some plain antibacterial soap (kills bacteria on the open skin so should avoid irritation from fecal matter etc that you may have missed during your pre-Emma butthole cleansing).
Now comes the rough part - preventative care. Grab a bottle of witch hazel and spritz it on a washcloth, and pat the fuck out of your butthole with that shit. IT WILL BURN LIKE HELL FOR A SECOND IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. It is not the end of the world. Your butthole is not on fire and you will live to poo another day. After witch hazel-ing the hell out of your ass, lay tummy-down on your bed or on a towel on the floor and either:
*cry like a little bitch about the fact that you just shaved your asshole while imagining Emma Watson licking your squeaky clean, baby-bottom-smooth asshole like a starving dog at a knothole in a peanut butter tree
*jerk off while imagining Emma Watson licking your squeaky clean, baby-bottom-smooth asshole like a starving dog at a knothole in a peanut butter tree
When your butthole has been sufficiently aired out and dried, apply non-scented women's roll-on deodorant. This sounds stupid and weird but trust me, it helps. Dove no-scent is the best I've found. This will avoid chafing while walking, irritation as the hair grows back, general stink, and will provide you with some cushioning.
Please prepare yourself for the deafening sound of your farts directly after you shave, because butthole hair actually exists to mask the noises made while farting. With no hair, you're just letting the horses run straight out of the gate, hooves stomping with no regard for poor Emma Watson whose nose may well be inches away from your now-perfect butthole. (The farts are not a side effect of shaving, just the additional noisiness.) If you generally are a loud farter and give no shits about who hears you, carry on as normal and disregard the last paragraph as it is a waste of your time to read.
Congratulations on your upcoming Emma Watson worthy asshole! Enjoy your weekend!