Notes

him
today was a fun day. really. i talked to my crush joel again. we got closer today but tomorrow is our last day of school. will i see him again? my feelings i developed for him was different then the other guys. started off as friends. if only he knew my true feelings because we're just "best friends" talk about being friendzoned! but my friend kind of olivia wrote his name on my arm and my name on his. thats when i got friendzoned. "were not like that were just best friends". i wish he knew. i dont really cry over love but him. when i think of us i just want to hug him and tell him i like him. if only he knew. i was gonna add him on social media but i just dont have the courage. why does love have to suck so much? i just wish i never had a crush on him. ive tried getting rid of it so many times but each time he talks to me it comes back. i know were just friends but at least he cares, he said when i "move cities" which i was joking about anyways he said he wont miss me. but after he said he was kidding and "i will miss you a lot" that just makes my feelings for his stronger. i just cant why did you have to win and break my heart joel. why does my life have to be like this, its gonna be the same thing that happened between me and giovanni. i liked him, he didnt know, hybrid came, we got new seats, not friends anymore sometimes talk, stopped liking him. i feel so stupid for thinking i would ever have a chance with him. joel oh joel if only i had the courage to tell you i like you. your too popular im way out of your league. tomorrow will be the last day i see you because i probably wont see you in high school. will i talk to you, probably not, lets just get this next day over with.

parents
lately my mother and father have been drifting a little from me. they talk to me less and i just feel like they dont care abut me much anymore. sometmes i just wanna kill myself and see how much they would care. i cant kill myself though, it would be hard for me to do. i wish they were less strict on me. i just wanna go out with my friends but they are too strict to let me. i wanna to hang out with erica,micaela,kylie, and olivia during summer but theres a likely chance i wont. i told them i probably could im sorry i just dont want to disappoint them.my parents make me wanna just do drugs to get my mind off them. why is life like this? i love my parents but they just dont fit in time for me. my mother is never home she isnt even home right now. two days ago she left to kansas and didnt come back until last night. she didnt even tell me bye. i know i was at school but she could of at least sent me a text message. i feel like i just disappoint my parents. i wish i could be the perfect child they want me to be. i wish my mother would put more time for me and not other people, i know its for the money but sometimes i miss her too much. sometimes it feels like i dont even have a mother. and my father, he works when i come home from school, i only see him during weekends. i love him but i just wish he could be happier. when it comes to making us happy i feel bad because his father wasnt a good man. my father doesnt know how to be a good man sometimes because he doesnt know what its like to have a good dad. i wish i could spend more time with him. but when i talk to him we barely have things to talk about. sometmes it feels like my parents just dont want to have kids anymore. i just wish they could have ore time with it. it just feels like i dont even have a mom or a dad.

im so greatful for this notes. it feels like the only thing where i can get all my thoughts out without anyone knowing. its a lifesaver