Notes

There was a time when she had told herself the same thing, but with a little more sincerity. that it was a blessing, in some way, for the world to change as it did. that, in so many ways, things could be better.

Given purpose among the ruins, looked to as a protector or predator. Methodically, rhythmically, she swings her sword, still smiling at Edward, but there’s something sad shining dully in her eyes.

“yeah… some days, i wish i would’ve done that, said… screw it, you know, and went to party with who i wanted.”

She let 'that' world get the better of her, she thinks, but then, something says: that’s not fair. and she relents to that after a beat, because it’s not; it was never simple. not when the threat of violence was always so electric in the air.

His brows furrow immediately, scoffing at her words like he’s seen something he’s not supposed to see, something she’s tried desperately to keep to herself. Not his fault; only her own.

"His brows furrow immediately, scoffing at her words like he’s seen something he’s not supposed to see, something she’s tried desperately to keep to herself. Not his fault; only her own. "what?" she mumbles, shaking her head. "i’ve always been happy" she claims, but deep down, she knows that’s not true.

She builds herself up, convinces she’s fine, carries the weight of the world on her shoulder with a faint smile. But at the end of the day, when everyone’s gone, and she’s left alone, she’s exhausted from forcing that smile.

She's exhausted from telling herself over and over again that she can do everything she’s promised herself and everyone around her she can do. She thought she was good at pretending she was happy. She thought she was good at convincing herself she was, until they got out here and she realized how much she was missing. "it’s not like i’m happier out here, you know," she starts, taking a deep breath as to try to be careful with her words.

"I feel different, like i’m doing something that matters. I mean, that’s always what I wanted to do. Always what I TRIED to do, but sometimes it felt like everything i was studying to do like it wasn’t as tangible as this is." she wants to believe in this.

"you were out of control for a good while there. You remember that?" He says. "I do. i’m in control now." she says this so calmly. After losing her best friend, the only people who was ever able to help her see the light and try to think positively, she was at the very worst place in her life. she was just gone. she couldn’t see past her grief.

She was in such a daze that it would absolutely be expected for her to not remember at all but she does. She remembers all of it. She remembers everything she did on impulse, how reckless she was, how many times she put herself directly into danger just to see how far she could put it. She knows exactly how many people she put in danger and exactly when and how she put them in danger.

But she’s learning to move on and accept the way things are again. It doesn’t mean she forgets the way she dealt with things and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t recognize her mistakes. She’s aware of them.