Notes

Dearest Ryu

In these brief lines, I would like to finally fill you in on what's been going on with me. The past months I've been experiencing major changes, and I'm sure you have noticed. I improved on my previous state, in which I've met you in. I am able to pull myself upwards by holding on to any anchor I can grab into. I've made a decision that I will never return back to that melancholic person that i had once been due to multiple reasons. The way I saw it, I was either going to remain the same and immensely aggravate by time, or change into something else, something better with different conflicts. And, I did.

I began to shift my mind upon other distractions that also tend to ameliorate me. Such as my school studies, and some of my old activities. I even started writing and reading more than usual. Although, the toughest consequence was to control my thoughts, for they are what always lure me into traps. At first, it was hard and I kept crashing because I thought that I could not do it. I became miserable after several failed trials, and even gave up. But, there was a strange urge within me. I did not accept its failure. I'm not certain why, but all I know was that I hated that depressive part of me that always took control of everything around, and I wanted more than anything to dispel it away. To end for a while. The first steps toward it all, was to stop sleeping on the ground. I got rid of anything that reminds me of old me. Even my journal.
I still get those "lonely and quiet past midnight hours" which also tend to cause an atrabilious phase. But it's like now I am able to find small solutions to it. To diminish it, at least.

So far, with this new cycle that I created on my own, I've been doing well. What is quite amusing is that people did not notice the amount of work I have put on myself, but rather those small smiles that I am making more often.
"Layan, are you smiling?"
"No I'm not!! ... I mean, yeah I guess maybe?"
My teachers have also noticed. My history teacher called me "Fresh." Lol? Is that a way to say that I used to be decomposed? Hahaha.

As good as it all sounds, there is a slight problem. This cycle is growing into me extremely rapidly. To the extend that it's slowly flipping against me. I am studying too hard, thinking too much, eating very little, and communicating less. I feel like my brain is dying. My concentration level decreased, I am afraid on that. I come to explain something to a person and I no longer know how to speak it out. The words are in my head, but I simply can not voice or write them down without focusing very hard. My eyes can not easily read, either. And it causes me anxieties. I think it is becoming an addiction. To keep studying very hard and pass school. I have even neglected all the "fun" or "time wasting" things that every normal youngster needs. My house is literally my room and my laptop is literally my closest friend. I even formed a schedule to complete every week.

This is all I can say for now. It's all what my mind is able to provide.


Lee.