Notes

there so much happening one day im likely to move to Miami the next im staying in new york i feel tricked left out alone which im perfectly being alone but people continue talking behind my back and i dont even trust the people closet to me. I hate how i stay slient ad take all the blame but will speaking up help i never know how to word things anyways. I keep envisioning these horrible things and im terrified of these thoughts that are running through my head and i tell myself lies and i try to make sure everyone is okay but i just want to run away i know you cant run away when things get hard but im scared i have a dad whos a rapist and i know nothing about what if i become isolated from my family what if my brothers dad doesnt accept me there christian im gender fluid and pansexual and my mom wont accept that what about someone whos only taking me in because of my mother and brother and new sibling im not the daughter she wanted i wasnt wanted for years and i remember my mom saying in 5th grade as a joke if your dad saw me pregnant with another mans baby he would go crazy and apparently shes pregnant the year we have court. IM the eye witness not my mom not my brother not my aunt I CAUGHT HIM im his daughter and i had to catch him i hate him he made me and i wish he never did i wish he never wanted a daughter that couldve been me that was almost me i remember he usjed to look and grab me weirdly and guilt trip me and I BELIEVED HIM. i believe that i couldnt show love that i was a mistake that he could use me so now i wonder would he have taken advantage of me sooner if i was a virgin. HE HIT ME because he thought i was having sex for fun i was being used i was confused i thought that i was just stupid and this was normal so now im sitting here and it still affects me and now i have to look him in the face as i talked about what i saw him do i thought he was treating her as a daughter i thought that what he was doing to me was normal im scared of love now and than i want to be smart i want a future i want to speak up but im scared so i stay quiet i dont tell my side i take the blame cause maybe i was in the wrong its getting harder to cover the truth i wish i was 18 and able to take a plane far away but i hope that ill live i just want to cut everyone off but everytime i try someone new comes along the way and im so confused is it me so im staying quiet in a corner writing so i dont cut or cry or anyting i know i shouldnt do. Im scared of my aunt im scared of myself im scared of my mom im scared of the people in my life im scared of my brother im scared of everything