Notes

dear diary 11.02.2022

dear diary, I know that this is a new year but I honestly don't think it is it still feels like it was last year and just because I moved schools and moved in with my dad I still will wrong I feel like somethings missing and I cant figure it out. but on the other hand I made lots of new friends at my new school like poppy, Abigayle which and charlotte but with poppy she's got this crush and I think I'm starting to like him and so I've been distancing myself since she keeps asking me if I want to hang out with her and him but I have to keep making excuses to not go. so I can figure out how I feel about him but ever since he started talking to me and hanging out with my group the feeling keeps getting stronger, but todays I was talking to poppy and I called him her boyfriend and then she turns to me and says no his your boyfriend and hearing that I didn't want to say anything but instead I did and then charlotte went up to him and told him I called him my boyfriend and I dint care but I had to act like I did so poppy didn't think I liked him but I now know how I feel about him and its starting to feel like a bit of a crush but if I told anyone they would probably tell him so know I guess if i just write it down in a place know one can see then I might feel a bit better which I do a little but not 100% still I guess I just want to know weather to just block out this feeling or embrace it but if I embrace it I'm probably gonna lose my friend and if I don't then I'm just gonna lose my crush and I know he doesn't feel the same because he likes poppy but the way he looks at me it just makes me want to go up to him and hug him and tell him how I feel but I know I would only be embarrassing myself in front of everyone which I do on a daily but that's not he point the point is i like someone that I'm not supposed to like and knowing that huts me but also makes me wounder weather she actually like him because she doesn't talk to him or look at him the way I do but he looks at me and it melts my heart knowing that I cant have him. I guess its just the fact that I don't think poppy deserves him and that he deserves so much better but I mean I love poppy she's my closest friend and I don't wanna lose her like I'm doing with Tarsha she doesn't talk to as much like I'm starting to miss her but back to Tristan <3 he walks past and we lock eyes he doesn't do that with poppy and I know that no matter how hard i try i will never get the guy I'm just the crazy friend that follows her around but I don't want to that girl I want to be the girl know as Tristan's girlfriend but knowing my luck the closest ill get is to being his friend and nothing more but I don't want to just be his friend I want to be his girfriend the one he loves and cares about the one that he talks to and the one that doesn't think of me as just the little sister or crazy friend I want more I want his attention his affection i want it all but ill never have it but anyway ill fill you in tomorrow and this afternoon

love ya -Eberdeen Girling aka Eberdeen Marcellino