Notes

hello this is the story
ignore all my grammar issues i didnt like that it would embed in discord with a txt file
throughout my life i've only really felt geneuine romantic love for maybe three girls in my life. one i met when i was super young and knew for maybe several years before we were seperated by dividing of school population zones to a new school set to be built in. i was young and naive and in all honesty probably wasnt much as consciousness is something people that age are just developing (ending her story off here, she goes to a different school doing well as far as i know saw she was elected for student councel leader when i was reuniting from instagram to old classmates from super young years, just hi hello etc nothing much) . but another girl i knew from since i had started school until pretty much the end of middle school so maybe a total of a decade. i had really only began to know her better after the shift in schools. but i kept my distance because i was super anti social and generally had my own social issues until i was much older but generally struggled to look people in the eye effectively as from youth i was always behind in likes of speaking and then domino effect into social interaction. throughout the years our interaction was minimal but i had felt geneuine even though she probably knew me as some other kid. not even in a weird way from both perspectives but i was just there really. 7th grade comes, new kid comes and i befriend him. super big guy but super soft guy super honest guy and damn good friend. next two years after maybe a year we were just chilling with a few friends even though looking back to most people i was just one of those "background characters" and not really a "main side character" to their own friendships except for maybe a few people. anyways he confessed that he felt ways about girl 2, which we were brutally honest to about and wanted to help him and throughout the next year of grade 8, he'd try to do small things and try to build on a friendship between girl 2 and him but in the best way id help him because i always priorities iother people more than i did to myself and throughout the year nothing really occured she knew that he had romantic interest but was flattered but didnt really feel the same way and mind you this was elementary so none of this shit was really as serious as irl or high school or shit. but throughout that year i remember thinking "i cant think about this person anymore, i need to help my friend" which i dont regret fully because i had gotten closer to another girl alot more as sort of a guy best friend. not to the point that i had liked her but as a girl that i could geneuinely talk to and not in any incel way but she treated me like a brother and like a true friend. the thing with girl 2 is that i had known her for 10 years and liked her for maybe over half of that. i had the time to do something but i never did something and when i mean it not a single person knew how i felt about girl 2 except maybe my sister to an extent because back when i was terrible with communication i didnt know and felt like the time was never right plus it would probably be weird to confess your love for someone youve known for so long but hardly known yourself. plus considering there were other guys who probably felt the same way about her that i did. i dont regret helping my friend get his goal even if it failed but i regret not being honest and explaining to anyone at that point before we head our seperate ways. girl 2 went to a different high school, girl 1 went to a different middle school than all of us and different high school and friend went to a diff high school too. it was whatever. but girl 3 is the most heartbreak that ive maybe touched upon briefly a couple times. girl 3 was the girl that was closest to me and pretty much like family but not in a weird way. we were just pretty close for my history because we shared alot of similarities. during last year of middle school though as i began to force myself to stop liking girl 2 for my friend's sake i began to sort of like girl 3 and not in a weird way cuz it makes it sound like i needed someone to persue and with me calling her like family is weird context. all it means is that we were close friends and got to know her more than maybe any other girl i had ever known outside of geneuine bloodline family and shit. the hardest part is letting go. october 31, 2017 was the fanyirst day she didn't come to school. i remember that day as good as any. now for anyone it was normal nothing seemed off people are absent all the time. but over the next almost two weeks, she didnt come to school and we were thought that she was just super ill with something or the other. november 10, 2017 it was addressed that she had been diagnosed with leukaemia. i cant imagine how hard it was for a teacher that was so close as the one we had have to tell a class of kids that were 12/ mostly 13 yeard of age that a child and friend of theirs was going to be spending their time in a hospital chair instead of at school learning with a disease so difficult for children to beat. it wasnt easy for the kids at all. it was difficult but we tried our best to try and keep her in the loop as much with schoolwork with considering the time before covid posting as many resources to make sure she could stay on top of her stuff to her capablities. sending art, letters, kind messages, etc to her best friends who'd visit in the hospitals. a month of all of this before around just a few days from 3 weeks into december (16 days) we had stopped hearing from her, from as much communication that we had with her mostly though messaging, visiting and her parents we heard about her last on the 18th. she passed away on the 19th of december 2017. i had never felt grief in my life mostly being shelted from it and being born in a time between eras. it hit hard. i was unfamiliar andeveryone i knew was unfamiliar with how to deal with a fact that they were never going to talk to that friend, never see her next to them again, never laugh with them again and everything. i was numb, and blunt. as a kid i dont remember my emotion but it was msotly blank. a day letter another newsletter. next day sheets of invitation to funeral. everything was a blur but i remember just trying to be distracted by anything and everything. and in fact i still have the sheets of alot of the documents like the newsletters the schools sent about the situation, the funeral invitation, some pictures of art and letters we sent online and evrything. there was no time for individuality. time was up and life goes on. we all attended the funeral and not to get into morbid details ||i remember going by the casket to see a lifeless child, skin beginning to go green and never to hear or see us again|| it was difficult. i dont remember how long i spent but i sat on the washroom floor for maybe half an hour just thinking but mind blank as outer space. sso many thoughts but with no real meaning to most of it with no reason of said thoughts to exist. in a bitter end to the story realizing she was forever 13 and i would no longer be able to tell her my truth it still caves me up inside considering the memo we had always been told was that progress was getting better through chemo and everything but as a child fighting it, it wasn't easy and not nearly as successful as an adult or an elder doing it. moving on, the class did what we could do. we set up a charity in her name with permission from her family who had ben super supportive of all the support even though they were clearly struggling themselves (she had a younger brother about half her age). the first year of the charity and the final year of our middle school we were able to put together about a thousand dollars but the teacher who was like a second father to allot of us who was staying at the school ofc was generous in helping us out and all and through the next few years kept us updated with how much money would go into leukemia research for children with about 1.5k and 2.7k being raised in the next two years each before covid hit. that's where my main love story ends. in it's essensnce. i dont know why i spend what is almost an hour writing all of thsi but it's here. since then i guess my story ends and continues in the form of bitterness from being cheated out of love by life but generally made myself keep a promise to myself to never love again until enough time had passed and i had healed. stayed true to mself for the next 3 years where i really began to become the person i am today especially after covid hit i began to actually mature and become a better person than the child i was would be. some time during grade 11 maybe just before summer i had gotten really close to a friend of mine who for all intensive purposes had no intentions of persuing a relationship with and just thought her of a friend. i dont remember fully and im glad i dont because in short i felt bad that i might be friendzoning a person that was really nice and thought enough time had passed. it was brief but in short once again it didnt last long and i was used like a dirty rag to get to another kid that i was aquainted with somehow and wasn't too close with. it hurt alot and she was mostly the reason that any form of medial covid depression became a part of my mentality or whatever i dont fucking know but a part of me blamed her for the person that i am today with so much pain and nit even anger anymore just sadness of how i was obvlivious to such things. til that date i repromised myself to never love again until it was time for serious relationsips and likes of marriage. deep down i know she wasnt the full reason that i felt empty but that's part of grief, from denial to anger to depression to bargaining to acceptance. it was my fault for being such an idiot to the people that never have and never cared about you in the first place. but the weird hing is that none of my friends who b the way ive never been closer with as far as them knowing super personal things about me dont know this story or any of the concerning things ive done in the past 2 years because as ive maybe revealed in brief rants or to you guys idk i cant hurt those who i love the most (my friends) to help myself because truth be told if i shared them my life story and they heard that ive tried to end it all on more occasions than i can count on two hands, it would only hurt me more because i love my friends to death and they love me to death but i could never let them know because it'll destroy them inside for them to not know that it wasnt temporary or seasonal depression/sadness i was geneuinely just mentally ill. same could go for you guys but youguys are random people from across the globe that have nothing to lose from briefly or vaguly talking about these kinda stuff and will never meet any of you guys irl even if thats the cold truth some of you guys are yet to fully understand even if its as corny as it sounds. maybe ill add to this and keep this aside like all of my notes or just rants to myself because sometimes the person who can hurt you the most and help you the most stares you right in the face.