Notes

OKAY. SO.
This lady I happen to be involved with. It's been a roller coaster for the both of us.
Uhh the first few weeks of being official and such, she had many doubts because of trust issues, I also happen to be the same way-ish because I don't trust or fall in love easily. People can think that I trust them fully but...no. That shit is earned.
(Tbh, since I got hurt early on, it took me a while to trust her again) How I got hurt? Her pursuance of me early on was deceitful because she saw love as a game. It was broken off early and she thought that she would just drop me prematurely and feel nothing, but soon after she was hit with regret. There was this nagging feeling in the pit of her heart saying "you lost something precious." Damn right, I am fucking gold.
Granted, I gave off a sexual persona so she probably didn't see me as a potential 'lover' per say. Apparently my looks and such gave off an "only in it for the sex" vibe. Though that is far from how I really am. Okay, sex can be great and all but I cherish genuine connections on a deep and emotional level.
Of course, it stung. I felt deceived. Long story short, I wrote her a long ass response (if it were to have been the last) wishing her well for the future. (She is a troubled soul. I knew early on) I told her to take care of herself yadda yadda yadda
Took her some time to be like "WAIT. DON'T GO." She regretted it all. And asked for another shot after explaining her situation to me through long convos blah blah blah. She felt that it was the right thing to do.
I am so forgiving. I decided to give her another shot but I went over some ground rules.
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She's not really the type to be tied down and that conflicted with the way I functioned because I am a loyal persona. I told her if she wanted to get involved with me, I ain't dealin with any of that cheating bullshit because I have no issue with droppin people like it's hot. If I am in a relationship, the individual has to be devoted to me and only me. It was really hard on her but surprisingly, she was willing to try for me. Ever since, she's lost her game with everyone else because I have her whipped lmaooo. Sorry not sorry.
Both needed lots of reassurance. I still need reassurance from time to time.
Oh God. Most people would be surprised with how patient and pure-hearted I really am. Okay, so there was a time where it was broken off, yes? During that time, something had happened. She was drugged up and apparently had sex with someone she wasn’t romantically involved with. The thing is, it was a friend of hers and she never saw him that way. Fast forward some time, (Mind you, I didn’t know this had happened) I was involved with her again or maybe I was speaking to her at the time. She was very hesitant to tell me something because she was unaware of how I would react. She was having “pregnant-like” symptoms. At first I thought she was joking but after some time had passed…I knew it was the real deal. She was hesitant because she was afraid that I was going to leave her. I didn’t. In fact, I handled it pretty well she says. And she says she’ll never forget that. I managed to calm her down because she was going into panic mode. Told her everything was going to be okay. That she doesn’t have to face this ordeal alone because I will be there to talk her through it. Honestly, I would’ve been willing to take care of her if it all were to spiral down-hill. She called me crazy, but y’know. Maybe it’s because I care so much and I know what it’s like to feel abandoned. To abandon her at a dire time like that would be the last thing she’d need because she is impulsive with her actions. Told me that she’d get rid of the fetus by getting rid of herself if that were to have been the case and so that scared me. Everything turned out okay though, no fetus to deal with. I’m still here as her support. It’s crazy.
I honestly think that we don’t meet people by accident. Long while back, she prayed to God and asked for a good girl. (She’s an atheist, so that’s when you know when you have nowhere else to turn with love) I came along and it was almost as if I were too good to be true in her eyes? And she asks herself on the daily “how did I get so lucky” and that melts my heart but y’know.
She seems like a young soul to me while I am an old soul. I’m like a mother and she is like a child. Sorta. I am the caring, understanding, loving type. She is reckless but she’s also very capable of love. She’s forgiving too and she can’t stay mad at me. She has a “soft spot” for me, and it hurts her heart to hear me cry. She’s involved with a lootttt of negative things. Like drugs and such. As much as I don’t condone that behavior, I can’t necessarily stop her, so it’s a waiting game. She may be young and reckless now, but eventually I am going to force her to stop if she’s wanting to stick with me. Everything I do is strategic. My actions are set in place for specific times when I feel that it’s right. So long as her actions aren’t detrimental for her future, I’ll be okay with that. I’m here for support. I’m here to make her a better person. Ever since she’s met me, she’s gotten a lot better behavior-wise. I’m glad to be of assistance because if I’m going to be honest…I have a soft spot for her too. I don’t trust or fall in love easily. She was able to get to me, some way. Somehow. It’s still a mystery. I am attached.
This was cut short- I’m currently in a call with her. We’re in calls for hours on end btw. While we sleep.
Idk man I can’t think straight rn.