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*Standup is hard. Being hispanic makes it harder. Normally, when we're caught under the spotlight, we're supposed to shut the fuck up and call a lawyer.
*Nothing freaks me out more than when life imitates art. You guys remember Demolition Man? We all thought it was cute, how they referenced Arnold Schwarznegger being President - and then a few years later he ran for office? Well I was recently watching Billy Madison and you know how Norm MacDonald asked Adam Sandler, "Dude would you fuck Jack Nickelson now or Jack Nickelson 1975? I sat there and was like Whoa. Would I fuck Bruce Jenner now? Or Bruce Jenner 1975.
*I must admit. I am a rascist. I hate all races. And it's because of you. Yes you. (point to white person) I'm talking about 10k, 5k, 2k,...shit I even removed long walks on the beach from my online dating profile. And what kills me is that it's always for a fundraiser. Don't you people get it? If you want to cure cancer in America, it needs to be quick, easy, and with little effort. And I'm not talking about that bucket shit you did last year. Most fat people like me don't want to be caught in a wet t-shirt.
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