Notes

I had a really rough day, my sims 4 wasn't working and all my dad did was complain because I asked him to fix it. It wasn't that big of a deal. I recently met a guy over discord. Well not recently, it's been about 4 weeks now and he calls me his best friend. I love being someones second favourite person. Jarvis, that's his name i think. We're close and talk a lot but that changed until i had feelings for him. Did he have them as well? No. He got a girlfriend and told me he chose somebody else over me. His excuse was that he already swore on it and it fucking ripped me apart. Of course it was this one pretty, skinny Korean girl and i was just the chubby, ugly german girl that was just his second favourite person. I think he knows about my feelings, but i'm not quite sure about that. Somehow it changed.. we stopped talking so much and i stopped texting back. He wrote a message after like 5 days telling me he's okay and asking me if I was. I had this bitter feeling that something was off. I put my best smile on and told him everything was fine but I end up crying myself to sleep. Wrong time, wrong guy to love. I met him as this fun, caring and lovely 17 year old, but he got cold, cared less... or that's what i turned to be and I just try to hide my emotions by calling him cold and so.

My life was fucked up. I started hurting myself with scissors again. Not cutting but scratching, i couldn't cut because the voice in my head said no. I stopped talking to everyone or texting back because I was scared. Too scared to talk to somebody, even at school I had to act like nothing happended. I lost it. I was this nuts, sad and pathetic 14 year old who fell in love with a 17 year old off discord and ended up getting hurt. I knew that i could get hurt, but ignored it trying to once find peace with a person that I love. I'm currently writing a lot. It wasn't the best december for me and I have NO plan why i'm writing this all down. This is just a normal piece of paper right? Something wasn't right and I 100% knew that but i kept ignoring it. I checked my body, looked how my skin was, felt guilty after eating. It was hard indeed. Getting made fun of and trying to change for "him" wasn't like me either and i knew. But what if I turn pretty. He'll like me then and we could be a cute couple and enjoy our life. But what's missing? Is my appearance not good enough? Are my thighs too chubby? Is my stomache not flat enough? Is my smile not white enough? Is my body not sexy enough? Is my beauty not enough? I know now, my beauty was missing. But it's okay right? NO. I have this gut feeling that somebody is going to say/do something which will completly change me. But i'm ready for it. I want a fucking glow-up as well. I want to be the pretty, skinny korean girl. I want to be her and not myself.