Notes

2:48am, monday 12/20/21

I was looking through my bookmarks while mindlessly trying to clean up around my pc when I stumbled back onto these notes. I usually see these and pay them no mind but sometimes I have these random moments of clarity that make me come back and kinda update myself, since this has been a sort of outlet for me for years now. A healthy outlet, which is always appreciated in my book. According to my bookmarks, its been over a year since I last wrote one of these, and a lot has changed since then.

I'm single again!! It's been a hard road and I was an absolute mess when me and ash broke up. That didn't do much since we kept fucking for a while, but then we met and she told me she fucked another dude and he was better, and that shattered my heart and we cut ties for over a month. I forced a lot of growth in that time frame and was honestly doing really good until she came back around. We start fucking again and now I feel like ive taken two steps back. I started smoking pretty constantly again, especially over christmas break(mind you this is mainly just a weekend thing now, once on a weeknight im not who I used to be), and i've been finding myself a victim to my own vices. I've been masturbating a lot more again and have become a bed hermit who gets scared to start coding for his senior project. It hasn't been easy but I am learning to admit these things and accept my emotions that come along with it. If there is anything I learned from meeting with a counselor this semester, its that I have to give myself the room to feel and acknowledge my emotions and the situation for me, and to move forward with it. This is hard to do when I can't move forward with my emotions when we both hold on to each other, especially while fucking. Its on my mind and I know what needs to be done to keep my boundaries and move on, but at the same time I feel I still want a chance to work things out with her, despite what literally everyone tells me otherwise. Maybe I really am just naively in love with this girl who doesn't deserve it, or maybe I really do see something in her. I guess time will tell how this happens. I can't wait to see how this bad bunny concert goes tho lmao

I went to a counselor for the first time! I used UNT's SHWC to get free biweekly meets and honestly derek was such a huge help to put me on a better track. I mean I was a fucking mess, drinking and smoking and barely doing any work at my internship or at school and barely taking care of my stuff. So to meet and understand that all of these traumas i've experienced were validated in my responses made me feel better, and made me realize that I did come this far in my life on my own two shoulders, and I can keep going and growing into something even greater, despite what others may think(especially my ex's parents UGH fuck those guys man they ruined so much for me, and us.). I LOVE my internship with Petmate and they have been the best to me throughout this whole semester and I'm gonna do my best to learn everything that I can while I'm there so I can start with my best foot come graduation.


As of right now though, I am honestly hurting. I've saved up a lot of money, and have been doing good at my internship, but I don't feel happy where I am currently. I struggled a lot this semester but I still sometimes feel like I need to turn to someone for my next step, which I feel like I did a lot when I was with ash. She always seemed to know what was best to do next. I struggle with my confidence in myself to even get out of bed for the day, let alone clean my room and wash clothes. I am becoming more of a bum that resembles me before I cleaned up and became the best me when I was with ash. I know that I can acheive even greater heights with or without her, but it really doesn't feel like it sometimes. I need to give myself enough love and power to do these things. Build better habits, get back on my gym grind which I so desperately enjoyed, eat better! Save up more money, invest in my own strengths and start building more skills that I can utilize in a career one day. I ask for more from myself, so that I don't become the person that feels inevitably alone because no one loves me. I love me. And I know that I really deserve to be the best version of myself that I can be. So yeah, that means ive been more selfish than ever before, and I am happy with that. I just need to learn that the things that make someone happy aren't just selfish, but are things that are meant to make them have more fulfilling and appreciative experiences. Even if it is just eating beans and rice and brocolli for lunch. Or not jerking off 4 times in one day. I read a quote recently saying that you can leave on a journey to the most gorgeous place on earth that you can think of, but if you aren't happy still in that new place then the environment was never the problem. If I don't work on the mindset that guides me to my next step and what I feel about my place now, then leaving to Seattle or San Francisco or WHEREVER won't solve the problems I am having here.


I love you Zelvin, and I really hope that the next time I can come back around and read these, that I am still on a positive journey that takes me somewhere I can be both successful and happy and healthy. I want the best for us, and I hope that the steps I'm taking now are setting me up to reach that place in my life one day.

And if im not?
Thats okay too buddy, I know life has never been easy for us. As much as I wan't to ignore it, the ways ive taken to make life easy were never the easiest route because things just got so much harder down the road because I never formed the blocks I needed to live on my own. But those people did it because they loved me, and I deserve to give myself that love too.
You deserve the whole world, and I know whatever is happening may feel like the world is ending, but there is always going to be a way to move forward. No matter what. I believe in you and when you put your mind to it you can do some really amazing shit. Get out of your heart and dont drown, you have so much more to experience with the rest of your soul.
Take that step, make the change, say those words. Do it. Because each day you decide to keep the same routine, will be another day you can't get back that you are forced to live the way you have been that is making you miserable.

I love you. Take care. Sweet Dreams King.