Notes

Hi
My name is Isabella, and I just wanted to talk about things that make me happy currently since I've been feeling alone. Marvel, especially spider-man movies, the joy it brings me is uncanny. When I laugh with my friends and feel like they appreciate/like me. I don't get invited to things anymore, since I'm busy with sports, or maybe they don't like me, but whenever I'm with my friends and can smile I feel great. Content creators and youtubers who never fail to brighten my day. I've been watching dsmp creators for a little over a year now. I love their streams, and 99% of the time they make me smile. Thanks to Quackity, George, Schlatt, Dream. Sapnap, Ranboo, Tommy, Wilbur, Technoblade, Philza, Charlie, Ted (just a fantastic cc), Callahan, Punz, and more that I love but I'm bored of naming. Many will say it's cringy but I love mcyts and other online content, I'e definitely been more alone since covid started and I've found online outlets that make me happy. I also love my teammates in both softball and basketball. Softball makes me nervous for the future but it's a risk I'd gladly take. I am competitive and want to succeed. Basketball is challenging, but I've been pushing myself lately and it feels great. I just want to be the best athlete I can be and hopefully play Division 1. I love good grades. I was a straight A student up until covid hit. I lost all motivation and stopped caring. I still need major work, but am feeling ready for 2022 and will be on top of my shit. I need to go to a good school idek why cause I want to say, "I went to a good fucking school, got my degree, and am now successful." Sometimes I wonder if I became an online creator, if that we create a financially stable income for me. I then remember that I am a girl and less people would be interested in a woman streamer for example then a man. I just want to live a good life. And don't fucking get me started on travel. All I want to do is travel the world with someone I love, but my parents have not allowed for me to explore the world as much as I'd like to and it's only made me want to leave and travel more. Hopefully my future career will either take me to knew places, or allow me the income and time to take time for myself to vacation and relax. Now not a fun topic, boys. Boys because they aren't "men" at 16. I've had harmless crushes, guys I find attractive and imagine myself with for a little. Idk, I'm just a friend to guys, yk. I've never been looked at as someone or something more, yes my some but not those I find appealing (honestly mainly creeps in middle school), I've never been in a relationship, had a first kiss, or talked to someone.(snapchat terms) And then I watch these goddamn movies and shows where men will do anything for the girl. Let me name a fucking few, Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider Man, 10 Things I Hate About You, Forrest Gump, Pride and Prejudice (holy shit this movie fucking destroyed my expectations, I can't he's so perfect), speaking of Kiera Knightley, Pirates of the Caribbean, Tangled (I'm done), Titanic, How did I forget the Dystopian shits that kept me going, Hunger Games (PEETA MELLARK IS THE PEAK OF MEN HOLY SHIT IM CRYiNG), Divergent, The Giver, PAPER TOWNS (THE HOLD THIS HAD ON 12 YR OLD ME), Star Wars (Han Solo that's it), I almost forgot Flipped (another movie that had the biggest hold on me), I guess I should also mention shows because how could I not: Mark Sloan from Grey's Anatomy (I cannot he's to perfect), fucking Nick Miller from. New Girl (I love him), Later season Chuck Bass (Idc such a fine specimen), same goes for Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries, Simon in Bridgerton (I do not do well with historical pieces if you couldn't tell), Steve Harrington.... , Zack in Saved by the Bell (Will never forget), Chandler Bing (the hair.), and last but most certainly never least, Jim motherfucking Halpert, the finest man to ever exist. If I could find my Jim Halpert, I'd walk in front of a train because I'd think it was a dream. The writing - perfection, the sarcasm - perfection, the facial expressions - perfection, the flirting - perfection, the finding out pam's pregnant - perfection, the wedding - fuck im dying, perfection, him - PERFECTION. Just Jimothy Halpert oh my gosh. When she grabs his yearbook and she's just smiling, when everyone thinks they're dating but they aren't, when he asks her out after coming back from new york, he's just I can't even describe it. Anyways as you can see by my terrifyingly long ass list. The media portrays men as you know the shy and quiet, need to get a strong, independent girl trope. Or the, I'd do anything for her and she's all I've ever known thing. It's all bs today. Maybe I'm just sad that no ones ever shown true interest in me, and feel that no one ever will (true), but I'll still complain. Nearly everything I see now is bikini pics get way more likes on insta, "ass or tits", she has more than five bodies she's ran through, "she's such a hoe," "that's a 4/10," "why she built like that," maybe I'm the only one upset by this, but this is all true. I've given up on even snapping back on snapchat, I had a meaningful conversation with someone one time from Indiana online and it made me happy, then he unadded me, I'm not sure why but damn. Of course socail media is toxic, but I know I'll never be looked at as more than just a body or a number. Hot guys don't find me attractive. I'm a solid 5/10. Average, but it works both ways, I'm always looking at those 7-10/10 guys. It's just I wished I got to know more people so they can know my interests and more about me. Yes I've never had my first kiss, yes I don't have a fat ass or big boobs, yes I am somewhat average, but do you know what makes me the happiest, do you know why I don't tell people much, do you know what I do alone when I just wish there was someone to talk to. You know? Maybe you don't. I just wish a cliche ass relationship or story could happen for me. And yes, there are girls who act just as I describe how men do above, but I normally don't. I try to see more and listen. I just don't think anyone cares anymore. I don't want to yike on someone, or go the the view to do stuff, or just do stuff in an empty parking lot. I want to watch movies with someone who will watch and enjoy the movie with me, spend quality time with a guy, and just have fun. That's just my version of fun and love. I just want to be loved by yk someone other than my family. I've been sheltered my whole life and just want normal experiences. I'd love to just be in love with someone who loves me for me, we have similar interests, and can just talk for hours. That's all I want and have ever wanted, the chance of it happening to me, low, but not impossible. Maybe one day it'll happen but I also have been saying this for years. Just someone who cares is all I want. Seeing how women around me in my life get treated by their significant other has greatly worsened my expectations. That's why this is all basically a dream, hope, and fantasy basically. Every relationship I see posted online makes me want to jump off a bridge. When's it my turn to be in love? When do I get to be loved by the man of my dreams? It's just sad holy shit. It's just so lonely. The only ones I really talk to are my family and that's not even that much. I just keep everything bottled up and try and please others because whats the point of changing something familiar. Yes I'm not in any new group chats with the people I hang out with at school during lunch everyday, but why ask? I already did twice a year and a half ago and they either misheard me or just decided no. Why confront Alysa about not liking my when I asked her if she wanted to take pics with my at homecoming and she just ignored me? What if she says, "Yes I don't like you stop hanging around us we don't even hang out outside of school." Then what do I do, lose five friends because of one question. Sometimes it's better to be excluded, left out, and lonely, because it's better than the alternative, losing "friends", having no one at lunch, and being known as, "the one nobody liked so we aren't friends anymore." That makes sense in my mind at least. I even had a private note in my phone where I typed out my feelings and what I would say to one of my oldest friends in the group. I deleted it, because what's the point. Nobody cares about my feelings, it's been made abundantly clear. Yes I don't ask people how their doing unless it's in person (I don't use snapchat much because I always feel left out because of this lol + men), and yes I don't make much plans anymore (because when I tried no one could, or just didn't respond), and yes I feel that I could also be a better friend. I feel like an asshole sometime because I don't know what's going on. I ALSO DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BECAUSE NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING. I'M NOT IN GROUP CHATS, THEY TALK ABOUT PEOPLE IDEK IN FRONT OF ME, AND ALYSA WILL PULL OTHERS ASIDE TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING (the others do too but she the most). I feel like a piece of shit any time I think or write this down but it's so fucking true. One of my "favorite things" Julia has said to me is, "Isabella you don't even know." Do you know why I don't know? I'm not in any group chats, I text first to everyone, I am left out of many conversations, no one asks to hang out with me outside of school, no one checks up on me, I feel as if I'm always invading conversations and being annoying when I ask, "Who's that?" Because I don't know, because no one tells me. I "don't even know" because no one tells me. I don't know why no one ever sees that I'm left out. This entire Junior Year besides parties, after school events, and football games, I have only hung out with my friend once. It was Angie and we got Dunkin' after school. That's it. No sleepovers, nothing. No one asks me to hang out, and at this point I've given up. If they wanted to spend time with me they would've, but they haven't and they probably never will. I've excepted it. Yes I play sports and see my teammates all the time, but it doesn't mean we can't hang out! (we meaning my "school friends") I'm just losing friends and I feel so alone. I've said to my mom, "My friends don't like me." But nothing else to raise alarms. Again why confront them when it can just lead to disaster. I don't even see a positive effect to hanging out more. I've found comfort in being alone and watching people that make me smile. Also I sound like a little whining bitch, that "no one likes me", and "no one talks to me," they obviously talk to me at school. But I just can't explain it. Yes people feel like shit and left out, but I've felt this way pretty much since sophomore year. I mean even middle school I always felt left out. The feeling will never go away, not being enough, but I wish someone would reach out. You know. And of course I have other school friends, it's just this specific group I want to be with so bad and will never completely fit in the puzzle if that makes sense. It's like I'm missing a plug, i'll just never fit in correctly. I just want to be noticed. It's just tiring, standing in during conversations of things I don't know about, being quiet and occasionally chirping in. Just lonely. This always happens when I go into writing rants, just me feeling alone. It's so depressing but is truly just my thoughts, of course I'd still feel lonely sometimes if I hung out with my friends all the time and was in the group chats, everyone feels lonely. But for me it's different. I know I could possibly change it if I spoke up but in all honesty, I'm scared. Scared of rejection, failure, being judged, and worst of all being fucking alone ( f o r e v e r ). There's a chance I could have great outcomes with a deep talk with my friends, but why risk it. Why take the jump when I can just sit on the edge and watch the others taking a chance. It's like watching someone else bet money is fun, but if you do it, it's risky and there's a chance you could lose. I don't want to lose. I'd rather be quiet then speak up. Maybe I should work on the opposite of that. But I'm just terrified that I'll never be looked at the same way. Ugh I hate being a girl. Yeah being a guy sucks but come on now, it sounds a lot better than living like me currently. (That rhymed (: ) Anyways.... I'm not sure what else to talk about; I'll just spitball I guess. I am an Aries, want to fucking travel everywhere, wish I was fluent in multiple languages, can't blow a bubble of bubblegum or curl my tongue, am such a nerd it's not even funny, cue; star wars, marvel, lord of the rings, basically all superhero movies, harry potter, pirates of the carribean, Indiana jones, some Disney shit (you name it), hunger games (remember I said I love dystopian shit yeahhhh) maze runner, divergent (the holy trinity), and def. some more, um my first celebrity crush was Chad Michael Murray as Austin Ames in the Cinderella Story (I watched it when I was six and died), also Chris Evans, second celebrity crush (First Avenger did things to me), my favorite color is blue, really wish I had green eyes (they're brown) cried watching Quackity lore (Slimecicle rip, it was sad don't judge me), I'm very specific about my cheese quantities (also rhymes), literally will listen to any genre of music (popular ones, except a few but still), the band Queen has made me cry a many times, 13 Reasons Why, Night We Met song also the most depressing shit ever, I cried so much, um what else. I'm such a movie fanatic (On Letterboxd, and have so much to watch), I can't do eye makeup to save the life of me, I play two sports and love softball it's just so exciting, my fav store is American Eagle and their jeans are perfection, I honestly want a nose job due to the uneven bump at the top of my nose, I was once an extrovert but would now consider myself introverted, I love reading but never get the time I want to do so, I've never spent a week without my parents and I honestly just need a getaway with a friend, I secretly wish my family was bigger/closer because every holiday just reminds me how my close family hus just shrunk over the years. I miss my grandpa and hate the fact that as every day goes on I think of him less and less. I just want someone to talk to, maybe even a therapist would be nice. I've thought about what people would think/do if I wasn't here anymore. It would destroy my family so I just couldn't, there's also so much I want to do before I die. I just realized I gave up on capitalizing titles, and to be fair it is a lot of work. Damn I sound like Dream this is depressing. Minecraft is so fun and I wish I had friends/people to enjoy it with. (I guess I have a lot of things I could say about that) I'm a hopeless romantic and just want someone to like me. (is it that hard omg am I that insufferable?idk tbh) Nearly every day I wish I could pause time to catch up on school, become the bet version of myself, and to just have more time to do more things. Um I'm not sure what else to say, I have a twin brother, (we're are pretty close: (same interests as me, but I wish I had that with my friends. you know?) also have two dogs. I am 16 and halfway done with my junior year. I'm pretty athletic but neeeeeeeeedd to weight lift more. I also have brown hair and am 5'4". I think I'm done, been writing for about an hour and a half and I don't know what else to tell. Oh Spider-Man No Way Home btw is just . It's so. If there's a word to describe it, it would be . lol. Well, thanks for reading my Ted Talk (this wil never go anywhere because I'm a pussy.

Sincerely,

Isabella (goes though life crisis every time she talks about her feelings)