Notes

I honestly feel used sometimes, by Chris when I look back on what I did and compare it to him... When I heard the DAY after we broke up there was some 16-year-old he wanted to get with its still hurts and I don't know why he would do this. we are good now, but I don't know what I did to him and I'm writing this because I feel like I have nobody to talk to even though Mel says I can talk to her I can't all she does is put her opinions in my mind which hurts even more I can't keep living like this man. my life is so great, until it's not. its honestly kind of sad the way he acts when I talk to him about this shit, I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but I can't focus without getting this out I'm so tired of letting this sit in my fucking mind I black out sometimes from stress and I don't want to say its fault, but it is then he gets all upset and runs to Mel and I'm sick. sick of that fake shit they are so close they could leave me in a heartbeat I'm done so done. I'm so heartbroken and it doesn't leave we are so happy or whatever but I'm not and I can't handle it I'm so tired of faking this happy acting shit I am not able to keep going like this I don't know if I should eave but I'm scared so scared of being alone but maybe that's what I need I'm about to go back in to cutting myself from this I can't and it's not just over a boy it's the shit he has done man. it's not healthy and I didn't do anything wrong when I asked him about the GIRLS he was trying to get with, he tried to lie and get my best friend aka his cousin to lie for him as well I forgave him but he had them there the whole time as a second choice and when I went to Mel she was like "not his fault its yours for not having someone else too" sorry I'm IN FUCKING LOVE HERE and his excuse oh my his was "we weren't together?" BUT IT WAS THE DAY AFTER ITS HIS FUCKING FAULT NOT MINE ITS NOT ITS NOT MINE ITS HIS he knew he lied he never fucking cared he never will he's immature and is fucking nothing on the face of this god damn earth why do I love him he doesn't deserve jack shit for the embarrassed me and when we were broken up he gave me bracelet back and when I left the class crying his ass never asked never cared THEN he fucking smiled so much the whole time then we talked and he promised me he wasn't like that it was Mels fault and not his, so I believed him. he left the next fucking day. what do I do? When he runs to Mel, it makes me feel so weird because then he tells her "He feels like a bad boyfriend" man... it hurts its does. His love it's so hurtful he's perfect, amazing, attractive, sweet, caring, mine, adorable, I love his eyes, his hugs, the way he looks at me, the way he holds my hand. now, how much of that is the part of me that's hurt? all of it I'm broken from HIM and HER. their fake they are nothing if Mel saw this, she wouldn't hug me tell me it's okay say sorry for hurting me even if she didn't know she was doing it. Chris he would go run the fuck to her. My mom tells me he's just a boy and its stupid. my dad... I don't know probably lecture me. my sister. she is here. she cares. Shes always here even when we are mad. if there is a tear on my face, she lets me cry she knows what to do she knows how to love, she knows who I am on the inside I hide nothing from her. when I say nothing... I mean nothing, ever man I love Taryn she's the best I'm so glad I just have that one person who just knows how to love to care to take care of me. to just comfort me. unlike the stupid fucking bastards, I love so much... ~Shay's heart~ ps. fuck you for reading this.