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He treats my depression like a god forsaken joke, literally asking me one moment ago if there's something that I cant open and he's going to put the painkillers in it. He's mocking me and I know it. He said the teacher was making a big fuss, and how the painkillers couldn't possibly be that dangerous, and then I told him what would happen if I overdosed on it, he then proceeded to laugh and skip the conversation. I don't know what I was expecting out of him, I don't know why I was expecting anyone to care, nevertheless him. I could barely open my eyes this morning due to how swollen they were, but he completely just didn't notice, didn't care. I don't know why this hurts, and I don't know why I was expecting something out of him when I know that this should be normal. My depression is just a whole entire load of jokes, if only I weren't so weak, if only I was good enough to be perfect for this world, then maybe I wouldn't have to be so in pain. I would love to kill myself with a bang, but I'm not here to die to put a show in front of everyone, and on top of that the April Fools plan is the perfect way to go out with some impact. I sometimes just sit there and cry, and I can stop crying, but I can't and I don't, I don't have a reason to cry either I just sit there, or I'm doing work, and I find myself crying. They ask me why I'm depressed and I can't give them a reason. It's pain that I cannot put into words, it's suffering that I can't describe and they won't understand. They say fake it till you make it, I've been pretending to be ok for so long now but why am I just not ok? If I were to ever rant to someone, they would probably ask me questions along the lines of "why didn't you...", and I have strong reasons, that I cannot tell unless you have been through the same suffering that I have, there are reasons that I cannot put into words. You won't believe how badly I want this man dead, I want him dead in the most painful way possible, and it still won't be enough to atone for the sins that he has committed, and what he has done to me and the people I care about and love the most. I only bring down the people I care about and be a burden. They say that I have friends, but friends are something mutual, just because I consider them acquainted does not mean that they think the same was as for me. No one will miss me when I'm dead and we all know that that's a fact. They say that it's ok as long as I've tried my best, but that's the thing. I've tried my best and I can only get to where I am now, whats going to be of me in the future when I stop trying? I don't know why I'm still alive, holding onto the last hope that maybe I have a chance, maybe things will turn out for the better, but on the inside I know that there's nothing I can do to fix myself, be ok, and have a good life in the future.
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