Notes

this i the note i shall let everyone see this is how i feel about my only two people i can call my true friends i think that Abby is going to be the one who breaks up with me i have this feeling deep down inside that she dosent like me anymore its this really weird feeling i have when i talk to her usually sit there in silence as i think is this what a healthy good relationship is supposed to be i feel unwanted there like i don't belong like i feel it deep inside like this feels like the last time when i talked with hannah near the end of our relationship i had this weird feeling that she didnt want to talk to me anymore but maybe thats just me i onlt really want you brandon to see this your the only one i can really trust like i said before i have this weird feeling that the guys on omegel turn her on they call her pretty and cute but i dont know that could just be me Brandon i love you your are actually the one i want to be i dont know if you know that i noticed i try kinda hard to be like you your my role model i look up to you when im down i come to you for advice because i think you know everything you help me with what i need most of the time and that makes me happy i sit here and wonder do i really love abby i think and think and think about all the good times we have had together all the good memories they make me smile i think it because i leave her that it makes me sad and angry i guess i really dont know what it is i wish i could tell you but i just cant what i also think is that Hannah fucked it up for me i think she made me fall for her trap and that makes me scared to love again Abby is really the first girlfriend i have really cared about sense hannah but i really don't know i think i love her but its hard to tell sometimes i think about if i should leave her or not i don't want to because that would maker her sad because im her first love and i know what it feels like to get fucked over maybe the other side of me is making me do this all this panic and anxiety it really scares me but im starting to over come it the more and more i type it comes back but then i can make it go away slower and slower it gose away i just want to love abby i know shes the one for me i really do i love her so damn much i dont know whats wrong with me i might be scared to let some one in that i know might leave me because Brandon i know you will never leave me i trust you with all my secrets i just wish someone could tell me what wrong with me i want to love abby forever and ever i just dont know if i can i think i have trust issues i really dont know i really could be anything i need an evaluation i really need a doctor to tell me whats wrong with me i am really glad i told my mom i have anxiety i have this neckless i bought for abby i hear it tick the seconds away i think this watch hold the time to my relationship with Abby if she can keep it winded then maybe we might just stay together we shall see is she can keep a hold of me she might not i really dont know i hear it ticking and tocking as every second passes by i sit hear and wonder what the future holds for me i would like to know how me and abby end i dont think it will go so far i feel the end soon and i dont want to know it im kinda sacred to know the truth im really hope im wrong about everything all this im saying except the part about you brandon i love you so much and im glad your reading this thank you i love you :)
i can keep typing now that i think about this tick toc reminds me of her every goddamn second thats all i can think about is her her her i cant get her out of my mind i know i lover her with all my heart but there is something inside of me that dosent want to go far with her in my arms and next to my side it want me to leave her but i really dont want to its like a fight in my head thats all that happens when i think of her kind most of the time i just contemplate about what i should do if i should leave her or if i should stay this happens to me every day i wish i dint i wish i told me to stay with her for the rest of my life dose that mean i love her when i say that i want to stay with her for the rest of my life i dont know what it is but i think i hate her i really dont know wht the hell it is i really dont want to but it just happens i wonder if i could fix it i think just might be a rough patch we shall wait and we i really hope it works out between you and me your the one i can think about all the fucking time im gong to teach my self to love you know matter what happens i just want to be with you everystep of the way from now until death shall we be together thats the way i want it to be i want to be with you forever and ever all this anaxitey and panic attacks is destoying me ftom the inside out please will you help me all i do is beg and plead but you never help me you just tell me whats wrong with me then you start to fall asleep everytime it happens i get sadden i know you cant help it i guess i like it when someone reads my notes i like when some one tells me that its all guna be ok you will be safe just let me hold you in my are it will all be ok i want someone to hold at all times i need to be with someone at all times these that some one is hopefully abby when i get back and for sure brandon my bestist friend of all time i dont know what i would do if he ever left me i know i would be lost for sure with no direction to go in life he is the one to lead me to success fuck it already 10 i dont think shes guna call me i guess that ok but i really dont know my thoughts are killing me from the inside out my panic attacks just make it worse my thought just kill me i dont want them anymore this is the side that makes me want to die to get away from all my thought all this bullshit im bieng told i think this all a lie all the thoughts in my head i think im crazy no i know im crazy thats all i can think is im crazy crazy crazy i just want to leave this fuck place the call life but i want to leave it with brandon and maybe abby that is it thats who i want to leave with me i know they never will they have there own life maube if i die i will think they came with me maybe my thought will bring them with me to a whole nother world were i can be free from my painc attacks and i think depression i really dont know what is wrong with me i think she loves me i think all these bad things i just want to go home back to her i want her to hold me and make me all better please abby will you help me i just want you right next to me i love you to death i think please abby i think your the one i think i just want you to hold me so tight and tell me everything is ok i need to be physicly there to have a decent conversation skype dosent work cuz i cant hold you and messenger dosent work because i cant show no emotion i just want you in my arms and whisper in my ear and tell me its ok tell me that im not crazy your just going through some thing i want you to tell me you love me and mean it look me right in my eyes and tell me you love me with no hesitation just honesty i dont need you in my life i want you in my life with ever second this clock tics all i can think of you when i notice the noise i think of you abby the way you make me feel when im with you not far a way in another state i mean phsicaly with you that the way it has to be it can be any way else i think thats why people say long distance realtionships never work i just need you next to me i need you to hold me tightly and kiss my lips together we shall be forever at least thats what i want it to be i know i do deep down inside thats why im still with you i want you abby i really do i just think you dont see it with every second im away from you it makes me cry