Notes

Dear Future me,
I am sorry for all the things I did. I didn't mean to take all of it away I just wanted... to be honest I'm not sure what I want. I guess when people ask me why I don't eat well I tell them "I'm not hungry". I am I just want to lose weight so I'm trying to starve myself.
Cause people always tell me that I'm too fat, I'm to pudgy, I'm to always something about my weight that always makes people judge me I can't help I'm 141.8 lbs. I can't... My dad always told me "Why can't you eat your big" I'm big because I'm really not sure, but I know if I starve myself maybe I can be accepted again I just want to be loved...
People tell me that I had a good childhood compared to theirs I'd ask them about it, and they would say their dad left and cry for no reason. *Meanwhile in my head* I was thrown from corner to corner, moved every two weeks, was abused dad, came back just to leave he left me and my 2 siblings at the time stranded while he was with 5 other girls.
When I see people playing with their dad and yet they said they had a better childhood it makes me wonder "what if dad changed, what if she was there when I needed him, what if..." was there something to make his heartbeat better it kills me to fell that he can make my mind so worthless. Even if I got another chance and I had run, and they took dad away my brothers wouldn't be here...but they wouldn't have as much trauma as me and Autumn as do... so please break my heart, please don't tear me apart, I know how it starts, trust me I've been broken before.
Don't break me again, I am delicate, I'm still hurting, I'm still scared to fall in love. If people are only going to see me as stealthy and untrustworthy then what's the point trying anymore. every time I think someone is going to hit me, I flinch and try to duck but I'm not that quick, but you may shoot me down, but I won't fall I am TITANIUM!
Here are to my brothers... Hey, Jason There's an endless road to rediscover Hey, spencer Know the water's sweet, but blood is thicker Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do Hey, Jason Do you still believe in one another? Hey, Spencer Do you still believe in love? I wonder Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do...What if I'm far from home? Oh Jason, I will hear you call What if I lose it all? Oh sister, I will help you out Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do.