Notes

Now, the past is a difficult thing for some.

so karl, as anybody would, avoided bringing up his own. most mentions of his childhood halfheartedly answered and the topic changed.

so of course he was confused as he joined a particular call he got a question he was definitely not expecting

"hey karl, we're sharing childhood memories. you got any fun ones to share?"

shit.

"oh epic, i-" karl began, before cringing at a sudden voice break "-i dunno man. i was such a nerd in school so i don't really have any crazy stories" because what else would he say?

"oh yeah my parents abused me cause im gay so thats epic"

and thank god for sapnap, and his inability to stay quiet for even short periods of time "OH WAIT! i have another one. one time i went to some party and came back absolutely pissed. my dad was so mad i swear down i thought hed hit me so -." he cut himself off with a laugh

"did he?" karl asked quietly as the others laughed at the story. he couldn't imagine anyone hitting sapnap. he understands his own parents frustration. after all, nobody wants a gay son who cant even stand up for himself.

"what?" sapnap asked, confusion clear even through his dulling laughter

"did he? hit you?" karl's voice was shaking, is that something he should've kept to himself

"no, jesus of course not. what makes you think that man?"

"you said he'd hit you, so i thought he did" karl pointed out, "i dont know why it seems so ridiculous to you"

"bro my dad couldnt do shit, id fight back." sapnap laughed "im not some pussy"

"what's that supposed to mean?" karl said, tears pooling in his eyes but a well practised nonchalance in his tone

"like, if someone hit me i'd hit them back harder."

now, of course, karl knew that sapnap meant no harm by his words but the small part of his brain that didn't care for logic was telling him that this was MEANT to hurt him. that his friends were laughing along because they KNOW.
and then he felt the familiar dampness pooling under his chin, on his neck and a salty taste on his upper lip confirms that he is crying. he hadn't even felt himself allow the tears to fall but now they soaked his face silently.

"maybe not hitting them back doesnt make you a pussy" karl said, a slight aggression to his voice barely noticeab;e.

"what would it make you then?" sapnap said, the eyeroll practically audible "if you let yourself get slapped about?"

"the bigger person" karll said, he wasnt sure if he was upset or angry. cause sapnap didnt know, he couldnt know but SURELY if he thinks this way then he would think the same of karl. "someone with self control" his tone was sharp, and maybe slightly too loud for his usual character

"self defence is more important. i dont care if im a pathetic or have no self control. nobody can hit me and just.. get away with it" and shit, Sapnap sounds sad, he sounds angry and he sounds so done with the conversation.

so thats karls cue to leave.

-------------------

that had been almost a week ago, and they had not spoken since. or, karl had not replied since. there were plenty of missed calls and frantic texts.

after that conversation karl had spent a little to long thinking about what it was like growing up. he remember the moments where they felt like a normal family...

karl was eight years old and his dad had been away on a business trip for a month or so before hand. so, his mum decided to celebrate some promotion he received by baking cookies with karl and his younger sister and then the 5 of them watching a movie until they had cooled down. karl could remember this moment vividly, his brother and sister sprawled out on the couch while his mum and dad tried to fit on one small chair. since the seats were all taken, karl had sat down on the floor wrapped up in two large blankets while a colourful and bright movie lit the room

he thinks that moment might be the reason he finds himself sat on the floor with his back against his empty sofa watching old cartoons one too many times a week.