Notes

Hello! If you're reading this ridiculously weird and informal essay, congrats! I'm probably dead by now, if not this is really awkward. My name is Rayne Shen, and I go to Boston Latin School. I truly hate to have my "father's" last, but it's what is on my birth certificate. Originally I was going to have a whole entire introductory essay but it seems that if you're reading this you're either the police, in which you don't need this. Or maybe you're a relative? Almost typed friend there, then I remembered I don't have friends, very much oof. I doubt the person actually reading this will need my personal information, they will most likely know it already. I hope that the translation of this essay (if it even does get translated) to my mother won't be so awkward in Chinese.
In a very depressing way of saying, I got really tired of the pain, so I want the way I go to be painless. Originally I was thinking I am going to jump from the window of our bedroom, which is on the fifth floor. But then I was too fat to fit through the window, I'm also worried that jumping from the fourth floor won't be enough. I also remembered that if I did die that way, there would probably be a really disgusting body to deal with. Then I went with a painkiller overdose, it seems that prescription painkiller pills' main substance contains opioids, which slows down the body until you stop breathing in about 1-3 hours. But if I were to get prescription medicine I don't think I'll spend so much effort in just simply dying. Instead of those, we have OTC painkillers, the famous Tylenol pain killers. I did some research and found out that if I were to overdose on OTC painkillers it wouldn't be the same effect and instead I would probably die of a liver failure that has a 40% survivability and can take up to 3-4 days to take effect. The abdominal pain must be terrible too, as stated before I would like to die painlessly. Statistics have shown that people (if have to) would not choose the method that includes suffocation. I'm trying to fit into society here so suffocation is out of the way, it also requires a lot of self-control and complication (eg: hanging myself would require rope and a place to hang and a limp body to deal with, in which two of which I don't have and one of which my mother has bad experiences with and I'd rather not traumatize her again). After multiple processes of filtering through different suicide methods, I went with an overdose on OTC sleeping aids. They may be weaker in effect, but an overdosage of anything will work like magic. It was a bit difficult to get through with my mother, but hey! It happened and I'm dead now, I'm sure you're elated!
I am really sorry for all the trouble that I have caused. I know that dealing with post-suicide papers can be really annoying and this must be very difficult for my mother. I really didn't want to cause this trouble but I really can't take this anymore. Why only my mother, you never asked? I'll get into that later. I also apologize for all the mistakes I had made in life and I understand that everything was completely my fault, I hope you can forgive me, although I won't be here to actually accept this forgiveness. I once again want to say sorry, for the third time, for how informal this essay is. I understand that everything is my fault and I should take full responsibility for my mistakes. I'm sorry that I was such a coward and I chose this method of running away from all that I am supposed to deal with. I know I am quite useless, the only thing that I can ever muster up is sorry and all I can do is apologize for what I have done instead of changing these mistakes, but I really just don't know what to do anymore.
You might be wondering (I know you really aren't, but please just go along with this?) why I couldn't take it anymore and decided to end it all. Starter reason number one, my father! His name is Lan Shen and he should be charged with severe domestic violence and rape. I'll get to the second half in the next paragraph. It is really hard to put in words what exactly he has done but it is the truth. I know I am being completely extra and dramatic here, but allow me to tell you how I got my first nosebleed. I wanted to give a goodnight hug to my mother before going to bed, but he thought that I was trying to "disobey" his command of telling me to go to sleep. A bit of a time skip, we can imagine him throwing me onto my bed, me being only 4 years old. He was hurting my mother by blocking the doorway and closing the door on her. I kept crawling (oh goodness this sounds really weird, but hey maybe I could be a novel writer if I wasn't dead?) towards her while ignoring the splotches of blood on the bedsheets, thinking they were just tears (the bedsheets were pretty dark so there was no difference between water on it and blood on it for four-year-old me.) but questioning where they were from since I wasn't crying (wow, a tough person I was).
Enough about me, I really truly don't matter here. Since I have only been alive for 13 years and I don't know what my father has done in the missing four years, but I know for a fact that domestic violence not only applies to me but applies to my mother too. He hurts her every time she tries to help me away from the abusive situation that I am in. The reason why she hasn't divorced yet is me. Since my father is the one working in the family and she wants to continue supporting me, she can't leave him. There could be many counterarguments, but think about it like this, someone who was never allowed outside of the house, with terrible English, no money, but wants to continue staying in America for her daughter. I think you get my gist, I hope at least.
Things at school? They were going great before "he - who - will - now - not - be - named" decided to meddle in. He completely ruined my academic life, I wasn't able to properly earn community hours for BLS, I wasn't allowed to participate in clubs since he always cuts the actual time short and I really just have no energy to argue with him at 7 am in the morning. He is really great at making me stressed, and bothering me when I am doing homework, saying that I am gaming instead of working. He also likes to state that I spend millions of hours on homework and there actually aren't that many. I could literally be off my computer and he would continue saying that I am a cheating liar. One good thing is that he really cares about education, so if I have some super FAKE, but very OBVIOUS evidence, he'll believe me and leave me alone. I just want some peace in doing my homework instead of constantly being harassed and bothered.
Of course, I am not the only one being harassed in this family. My mother stays in the tiny kitchen all day since that's "the place where she belongs". She's always working on chores and it just seems endless even with me helping her. She finally decides to take a break and leave the kitchen, "he" starts saying that all she does is cheat on him with others and idle around on her phone. Mind you my mother has never left the house unless accompanied by "him". We have a couple of other things, such as dealing with this thing that relates to finances, or that thing that relates to another thing about finances. She is forced to be responsible for all of this, but the "money" that they get that is actually rightfully under her name? Gone to him. But what happens when she asks about it? The obvious answer is another fight and beat down. When her abilities aren't enough to get things done, does he step in to help? Of course, he does! With the friendly aid of another fight and beat down. He has an ex-wife, with three daughters that I call my sisters. He has long passed the age it is for child support, and it isn't illegal for him to continue supporting them. Ever since moving to Boston, but his job hasn't moved places and the income is based somewhere else, this causes our usual expenses to be really tight since things are only double the price of the price in Georgia, where we are from. I know these reasons are kind of all over the place but I'm really trying. At night, she hides from him, hoping that he'll be too absorbed in his show to bother her asking for her to "come to his room" for uh, well, you know, that. Does forced consent really count as consent? Such as if you don't blank with me then I'll kill your daughter, does this really count as consent? I don't know if I am in a place to ask for any favors or have a final wish, but please, throw this man in jail, it is best for humanity that he doesn't walk on the face of the earth again to ruin other people's lives.
Of course, they say that if you want to say farewell or if you even have a hint of regret, you're not really ready to end yourself. I think otherwise, I love everyone as who they are (although I despise the species of humans), and I would like to thank them for participating in my life no matter what they did in it. It's like a consolation prize that many competitions often give to the people who don't win so they don't feel as bad for being a loser, except there's no prize. Just a simple text message, thank goodness for technology these days (I still hate humans)! I spent the last couple of days and hours before suiciding proofreading this essay (I wasn't able to get this through around the middle of the essay since it was so terribly written and I really don't want to read it again), hoping it is readable despite the informality, and wishing all of the participants farewells. They were all really cool and brave people, participating in my life! I hope they can live out their lives to their best extent, and how much I really appreciate them for even glancing at me, and knowing my name.
I know as a person who has suicided, I don't really get a "will" (especially not at this age, at this time, and with absolutely nothing in my possession). But I would like to give all of my love to my mother, and all of my hatred ever possible to my father. I heard that suicides often get an investigation to see if it was actually a murder. I wouldn't like to take that risk and actually list down some names. They might get "investigated". If such a case really does happen their parents must be so worried and I'll just end up as a burden again. On top of that my only possession is game accounts that I am completely ok with dropping, I won't be coming back alive anyway. The people who know my account already know my account, if they really ever considered me a friend they would consider taking care of it, although my expectations aren't very high. I think this brings us to the end of these paragraphs! I am sorry for blinding your eyes and cringing your brain with this terribly written essay. I would also like to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this essay, regardless of whoever you are. I wish you luck in your life and that you can also have a great day!