Notes

Hope . Do I blessed with it ? I dont know . U know , 4 some reason I could hope 4 many things n many times . Its as if god gave me the chances to do so . I know many people lost hope many times in their life . I think they shouldn't blame peoples other than themselves . When u fired up 4 something , its as if you got high hope . Hope dead when u give up . Hope can be shared with others but cant fully given to them . Its just my thought but I think god can only give u the chance to have hope . Not everytime u can have hopes . Its like fire n we who awakened it also responsible 4 it . The chances from god given to us r like firewood . After given chances to have hopes I start to see this as my specialty and I somehow feel indebted to god .
Other than this , I also have 4 more specialty in my life even I feel like I got no talents . In my life as student until now I still feel surrounded . I don't think I am an outstanding person . Just normal . By friends . Quite kid or not . Being online on discord . I once told this girl which is my friend that peoples action towards her can help her to understand herself better . But when I try to use these words towards me its feels nonsense . Am I a hypocrite ? Third , I m an overthinker . I don't know y people failed to see its benefits to oneself . I know it could be painful sometimes . I don't know but when I overthinking , I can see more options and more possibilities . Guess that's y its painful to overthinking . Fourth , as I said I m an overthinker . Even I did got hurt because of it like thousand times . I still can move on . Over and over again . I never tell people about my stress problem because I know soon I will recover . But one day , I said to myself "wtf am I doing ?" . Feels like I am a lonely immortal king . My citizens are my emotions . I protect n lead them to stay calm . War is a problem . I m alone enough to handle it but I think I should tell someone about my stress problem . I just want someone . As I said I m an immortal and I there's no 1 in my castle . Do u know how it feels to get headshots over n over again ? Your body will recover but your mental issue ? I know its nonsense to ask for help when u can handle it easily . Maybe I m just being greedy . Fifth , I always holding back myself sometimes even I don't know I did . Because of that I don't know if I m lying to myself or not . I still remember the times when I didn't hold back myself . Things did changes drastically . I once try to tell her thing that's hard for me to get and it will make me happy if I get it . Hmm...I think its better if it stay secret . btw its herhim who can give me their empathy and hug for me . So simple . My life r peaceful but messy too . My dad r not bad . He just didn't talk much . But not my mom . My mom always want me to work hard now then I can enjoy my life after that . Its just dumb . What if I died before that day ? Should u feel responsible 4 me if I didn't have good life . Until now , I always try to enjoy this life . Maybe that's y I hate to do things alone . Tbh I sometimes hate people's attention to me . Sometimes when I m in their view field , I felt annoyed and my eyes somehow would see them back without know where they were . My mom always make sure me n my sister don't stick with computer or phone too long . Because of that I don't have phone . But she did let me go outside house . Maybe I should make some gang team ? hahaha jk . I once hope I get into accident . Its different for my cousin because he once main basikal lajak . Then his dad bought him a gaming pc so he would stay in house . Damn it so fucking bored here . Because after the pandemic , I rarely can do after school activities with my friends like playing ml . Its really hard to get chance to play with them . I actually don't like to say words like fuck and shit except for when situations get rough . I wouldn't refer it to peoples . What should I do ? My life is good . Its just I don't know If I m lying or holding back myself . I always try to get used to people . Isn't it easy that way to get more friends ? But if I try to get used to them isn't it means I shouldn't complain about them ? If I didn't complain isn't it means I don't care about what would happen to them if they keep being like that ? ITS FUCKING BORED . And god didn't say I can't have a happy life here . Talk to her sure feels good . maybe because she's the only 1 I can talk easily online