Notes

My depression started in 7th grade when my best friend died from suicide and it affected me so bad I didn't want to keep living and tried to end it and I felt so guilty that I couldn't help her and then all my friends ended up leaving me one by one and I was so alone and for the year intill 9th grade I felt alone and always put on act to make myself look happy but then high school started and I made new friends, friends that actually care and I started actually feeling happy but that all ended when I found out I was moving and everything started falling apart right there and then all my problems started coming up again at the worst possible time and I no longer felt welcome anywhere and felt like a burden and now that I have moved everything is so horrible I'm now separated from the people that actually helped me and this new school is just making it even worse every day I try to hide how I feel with just a regular smile but thing have gotten so bad that it's so hard to do that it hard to fake being happy even when you've been doing it for what feels like forever

My eating disorder started around the same time my depression started because all the guilt I was feeling made me start punishing myself and treating myself different it started off with me skipping countless meals but then later it got to when I barely ate one meal a day even now it has got so much worse to the point where I can't control it and now when I try to eat my stomach forces it out of me by throwing it up and when I try to keep it in it causes me so much pain and it affects me so much to even when I sleep I always wake up tired and always out of energy I try to find out exactly what's my problem I have looked everywhere but there's nothing about your stomach forcing food out and I don't want people to think I'm lying

I think I've been suppressing my emotions for so long that I can't show emotion anymore I feel horrible every day I just wanna sleep through it all and feel so tired and drained and all this pain hurts so much but can't show it and I want help but can't ask for help I couldn't explain all my problems in this note I don't really know how to I'm new to all of it and sorry didn't tell you all before this was all so hard to explain and it was so scary thinking how you guys would react and I didn't wanna cause you guys problems every time I try to explain my problems I always feel like a burden and it's hard always pushing everyday to keep going when it feels like you have no support and nothing to look forward to

*For My Family Only*

and I'm sorry I'm making you guys read this instead of hearing it from me I still can't talk about this, this was the only way I knew how and I want help but not from you guys I want a therapist and I understand we might not have the money for it but I don't wanna stay at this school and don't want to stay at a school that makes me feel more hopeless than I already am I'm still planning to go to bp and just because the one incident happened doesn't mean it will always happen and these things are impossible to control we all sometimes worry that something bad is going to happen and the reality of it is that sometimes things do go wrong life is far from perfect but if you're always full of worried thoughts and if you spend most days stressed that something bad will happen then you will never stop worrying and never be able to let go and that puts a strain on us just try and understand where I'm coming from