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My eating disorder started around the same time my depression started it started off with me skipping countless meals but then later it got to when I barely ate one meal a day even now it has got so much worse to the point where I can't control it and now when I try to eat my stomach forces it out of me and when I try to keep it in it causes me so much pain and it affects me so much to even when I sleep I always wake up tired and always out of energy I try to find out exactly what problem I have but everywhere I looked is never what I have I can't find anything related to what I have or anything similar to it
I think I've been suppressing my emotions for so long that I can't show emotion anymore I feel horrible every day I just wanna sleep through it all and feel so tired and drained and all this pain hurts so much but can't show it and I want help but can't ask for help
I couldn't explain all my problems in this note I don't really know how to I'm sorry didn't tell you all before this was all so hard to explain and it was so scary thinking how bad you can't go and how none of you guys would understand I didn't wanna cause you guys problems I'm truly sorry those days I didn't go to school I tried to but it's hard always pushing with no support and nothing to look forward to
and I'm sorry I'm making you guys read this instead of hearing it from me I still can't talk about this, this was the only way I knew how and I want help but not from you guys I want a therapist and I understand we might not have the money for it but I don't wanna stay at this school and don't want to stay at a school that makes me feel more hopeless than I already am I'm still planning to go to bp and just because the one incident happened doesn't mean it will always happen and these things are impossible to control we all sometimes worry that something bad is going to happen and the reality of it is that sometimes things do go wrong life is far from perfect but if you're always full of worried thoughts and if you spend most days stressed that something bad will happen then you will never stop worrying and never be able to let go and that puts a strain on us just try and understand where I'm coming from
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