Notes

I looked forward to finishing my work just to work, but now I want to finish my work for what? it feels pointless because when I actually did have free time, I wanted nothing more than to spend time with you guys playing games or doing whatever

I have other friends than you guys obviously, but they tended to not play with me too much last semester after August; it would turn into something where I'd play valorant (or smash/fighting games) with them sometimes on Fridays/Saturdays

and then there's cod, which I haven't had fun with in a while, and now my cousins broke off ties with the guy from NY cause he was annoying LOL

now during real school, I had fun activities that were in-person. ahhh I remember now
playing video games during study hall with friends
one of my close friends bowling with me, playing guitar, even following me to some family/work parties

my brain has probably just been tricking me into thinking I can only have fun with her or you...so it hurts when you guys have fun without me (sounds selfish ik); it feels like I'm wanted but that she'd rather have anyone else to be with, someone who's more fun/interesting

this can *kind of* be disproved by the fact she spent the night of my birthday with almost exclusively me AND she had a good time, but afterwards it seemed like she'd rather play bedwars/stardew with other people (this is what I mean, it felt like she reacted more positively to faraz/matt while I was just sitting there)



ohh and I kind of reached a conclusion about me feeling like I can't do anything last week
see, I think I wanted to be good at games/know stuff about them because I wanted to impress everyone else...these games are our only form of interaction in these times, so my brain made me think I have to be better at them for you guys to like me
so much of it was subconscious though so I didn't even know


for now I'll do what I can with school, and if you guys aren't available then I'll try to find other ways to have fun (it's possible, I just had a hard time believing it because I spent so much of winter break with you guys)
we'll create great moments together, I just need to be patient, and eventually we can even do irl stuff
remember to invite me when that happens pls *evil smirk*

Sunday (Jan 17) - I was mostly fine because I was mostly on track with my schedule. Then I started getting anxious and palpitations came back. It was getting from daytime to nighttime and I desperately wanted to start and finish my english assignment. I expected my friends to come on to play minecraft, but for some reason I worried that they were gone. People weren't on responding too much during the day, which made me feel abandoned. Not to mention, K left our faction after the first day, and it looks like S and A will leave because they don't approve of our faction's leadership. I know there's more to life and having fun than this factions server, but it's hard because things are kind of going wrong. I worried that my friends weren't ever gonna play with me again (at least that's how it felt), even if I somehow finished my work in time to meet up with them. My mind shouldn't trick me like that though, I was busy during the day too, and schedules can be different at night or another day. It felt like I couldn't have fun without them, as my main source of fun on Friday/Saturday came from interacting with friends. I had a somewhat good time with K yesterday, though I feel empty thinking on it because others weren't there at the time. Since even at night yesterday not everyone was there, I was worried about this becoming a pattern where I just don't play with these people anymore. I'm scared of everybody's schedules and motives never lining up, and then I or they will be overtaken by homework to not get to interact with them again. This is the exact stuff I worried about the Sunday before school started. I have a common theme of worries coming back whenever I feel like I'm wasting my time. Piling homework on me adds to that so much, because I don't feel like I do it fast enough, and I then use what little time I have on genshin or something. I worry about my health and anxiety not improving, even if I try to believe that things are getting better. After all, bad days are just days that are bad, and this whole situation makes it hard to be cheerful. It's normal to feel off, though it doesn't feel normal to me and that's what bothers me.