Notes

Dear God please help me. It all started in 6th grade UGHH. Worst year ever. Anyway today is Sunday, January 17 2021. so when I was in elementary things were going great literally I didn't care about anything I didn't care about what I wear, what I look like, or what people say about me. you know I was just.. happy. but of course at some point middle school had to come, I didn't change one bit. I still had my glow up Skechers and my cute little kitty shirts, UGH so embarrassing. anyway, I was still childish by the first month of 6th grade. but on the second month everything changed. I started to worry, like about everything. like what I wear, what people say or think about me, and especially what I look like, I never really like my outfits because I picked them when I was in like 5th grade, so you know what I did.. I wore my jacket all... day just to cover up my shirt that literally said "✨Your Pawsome✨" with a dog or cat on itಠ_ಠ but eventually we went shopping and I picked out a couple shirts, there was nothing wrong with them but I was starting to become insecure. I didn't like to show my arms because of how harry they were and how ashy my elbows were so I still wore the jacket all day. and It wasn't only my arms it was almost everything. I always wore pants because my legs, I always wore jackets because my arms and fat and I also wore my hoodie just to cover my face and hair. there was always some reason for me to cover up. and from there nothing got better it only got worse I started to become depressed not only about my body but because of where I was in life, ill tell you right now I wasn't in a good place. I always thought I wasn't gonna become successful in life and thought that I should just give up I never saw a point in me. you probably think that my life couldn't get any worse. well guess what.. It did. my life actually got way worse, remember one of my insecurities about my legs?? well it turned into my anxiety. my anxiety got so bad to the point where I didn't want to be seen in front of boys with my legs showing, that actually was my anxiety. so pretty much if a boy saw my legs I would hide, and if couldn't hide then I would cry and my heart would beat faster than it ever would and I would start to panic and bad things would start to happen. but the good thing is nothing got worse. and the bad thing is.. it didn't get better. so I was pretty much stuck like this till 7th grade. not all of 7th grade though. throughout 7th grade things gotten better.. really better. me an depression got into a big fight and he just left he gave me a good scar before he left(￣ε(#￣) but I won that fight. don't get me wrong I still had insecurities and anxiety by my side. but I still kept fighting. because if I can get rid of depression then what makes me think I cant get rid of my anxiety and insecurities. truth was it kind of gotten worse how you maybe wondering?? well in P.E. we had to wear shorts, it was apart of our grade and my parents really wanted me to pass. so you wanna know what I did. NOTHING!!! all I did was just deal with it, yes I had to deal with crying and breaking down a lot. but honestly I had no choice but to get used to it. the only person I told was my mom. she told me I should do something about it but I decided not to because I knew there would be no way to get rid of my anxiety I also tried to tell my dad and Erica but they said "calm down Alyssa your fine.. you don't have anxiety" maybe they thought I didn't have anxiety because of how young I was? keep in mind I was only 12 when all this had happened. anyway. later on in 7th grade I start to learn how to shave. which was a good thing because I didn't have to worry about having man legs. but my legs still effected me. I realized it wasn't only my hairy legs I had anxiety about, but it was also my scars, and my ashy knees. so I had to deal with anxiety a lot. eventually I started to get used to it, and the crying and breaking down started to go away, little by little. until one day it stopped. it all started on a normal day we went to P.E. got dressed into our shorts and ill be honest putting on my shorts kind of got me scared to go out. but when we went out, I wasn't scared anymore. it was as if god had taken my fear in less than 10 seconds. and when that had happened I thought it was all over! or I wish it was all over. in 5th grade I had my first boyfriend, but honestly I didn't want to date this boy. the only reason I got with him was because he always begged me to be with him. keep in mind I was very innocent at the time and did not like saying no to people so I said yes but about a week later I broke up with him because I knew I wasn't allowed to date. your probably thinking "what dose that story have to do with my 7th grade insecurities??" well in 7th grade I met someone else.. John. john was a new kid in school, we started talking for like a week. next thing you know we are dating. which I really regret because we weren't even in a week in our relationship and we were already having problems. your probably wondering "what kind of problems?" well it turns out he was talking to other girls. or at least that is what my friends told me. I didn't want to believe it because I liked him so much, but at the same time, he didn't help me with anything except get even more insecure about myself you wanna know how??? well one time when I was eating my lunch he had called me a UGLY FAT RAT that had got me so insecure to the point I stopped eating. there was one time I didn't eat for one full day, because I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said. but of course me being me I told my friends about what he said and how I was feeling, and they literally forced me to break up with him. but for some reason I was so scared. but at some point I got the courage and broke up with him. things didn't get any better though, and they didn't get worse either. I just sat there feeling like poop for a whole month. eventually I got over him and his dirty mouth(¬_¬") and continued on with life. well at least I got rid of anxiety. anyway.. the summer comes an then covid-19 an then the black Lives Matters and a lot happened in 2020 everyone didn't think we would come back to school but eventually we did. an then I started 8th grade.