Notes

1/20/2021
it kills me inside to know that I'm not the person they wanted me to be. why cant they just like me the way I am. they don't understand all the pain they have put me though. they are worried that if I'm in my room 24/7 I will change and things may happen, but the thing they don't get is it already has happened. they fight everyday morning or night or even both. they think we cant hear them but we are in our rooms crying all night. when one of them walks in we act like we are asleep so they don't know. if its during the day they say there sorry. but if you though a plate on the ground and say I'm sorry to it, does it do anything, or fix anything. No it doesn't. they yell none stop and sometimes hit the table or slames the door and leaves. do ik where, no I don't. but sometimes they wont talk to each other for days. they will fight on the phone even if they are both home. many times I have had to hear them fight because I was with one of them and I can hear the conversion. my dad once left his phone home and so my mom called me instead ant the phone was on speaker cuz he was driving. he took the phone and after 20 different phone calls we made it to wear we were going. I had to hear it all, I was about to cry but I had to hold it in and act like everything was fine. he had my phone for about an hour after we got there still fighting but of course went were no one was at. I got my phone back and five minutes later got another phone call and he just told me to decline it. you see they want everything to be fine and they think we are. But really we are stuck in our thoughts and we have no one to tell and even if we do they think its fake and for attention. they think they understand what's going on but really they have no clue. when theses things happen I'm not the same person. my voice is low I don't talk until they make me. I get deep in thought and space out and over think many things. its a never ending story it never ends and it ever starts. you see this is not just some made up story this is how I feel inside and things that are happening to me. they don't just yell at each other they yell at me as well. something that got me to wright all of this at all was because what happened tonight at dinner. let me tell you now before its too late. my dad called us and said that dinner was ready well I was the first one to be there and I didn't want what they made. I fought with , dad telling him I didn't want it and he got made and told me to leave so I did then he tried to take my phone but I didn't let him and ate what I didn't want but the littlest I could. after that my mom not only told me I'm getting sick because I don't eat she also told me that she will take me to the doctor so they can put a feeding tube in me. you see they think I'm fine when really I'm dyeing on the inside. now, after saying all of this wouldn't you think everything else is fine and I'm happy when I'm away. well your wrong. I'm not even half way done. now let me tell you this... how do you explain to someone that you sometimes get sad for no god damn reason and that you don't even know the reason of your sadness. that you constantly wake up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep because you just cant get things straight though your head. now tell me I'm fine or just wait cuz there is more... hot, cold, shaking, thinking, no sleep, crying, dizzy, cant focus, no energy. every day, every night its like that. no matter if I had a good day, it just won't be that bad in that case. but at other times... I cant explain how I feel. its like its imposable. if you are reading this you may not know who I am and that's ok but yo you may know as well. but here ill tell you a little about me... I'm a teen age girl. I'm in the 8th grade, and I'm in a relationship and a happy one on top of that. you see he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. the boys have this saying that they will say to there friends if they have a girlfriend.. well here it is, and I'm going to tell you something about it as well. "come on man bros before hoes. get on the game and play she can wait the game is more important then a girl." well you see not every girl id the same and definitely not every girl is a hoe. guys don't understand how hard it is being a girl we get called names that aren't true, but if they are then that's there fault. but listen up if you found the right girl and she is your queen you better treat her like one, and you better not let the boys call your girl a hoe. us girls are hard to find... but you see this boy I am dating is the best he treats me right and doesn't let anyone say anything about us or even just me if its in a bad way. if I have a bad day he will sit there on the phone and just listen to me talk for hours until I have nothing to say. and if someone hurts me in any way he fix's that problem. you see when we are on the phone after he says something I will give him a little attitude just because ik what he will say. "don't give me attitude" ill give him some more, my full name but instead of my last name he will say his. and it is the cutest thing ever. so you see I do have someone to go to to make my day better when its not a good one. my baby is my world and no one could ever replace him. but you see he is 2 years older then me, he is in high school, but none of that matters to me cuz I love him. but all of my so called "friends" say stuff all the time that makes me go home from school and overthink and want to cry and gets me mad. and I tell my boyfriend everything and he gets mad just as much but we cant do anything about it. I don't like my class nether does he and we are both glad at we get to go to the same school next year. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 3 weeks because he is sick and I miss him so damn much and ik he is nit feeling well so I just want to go to the store buy him so, me candy and something cute and drop it off to make him happy and I think I may just do that if he doesn't get better soon. its going to be 8 months on the 3ed and I'm so happy that I'm with him. I never would have thought that my best friend in the 6th grade would become my boyfriend in the 8th grade after not talking for about a year and an half. I've liked him since the 6th grade and never told him and I always said that my bestfriend liked him even though she didn't. and apparently he liked me as well but we never said anything until one day a little after my 13th birthday he added me on snap and I told that that I've liked him since the 6th grade and still did and he said the same back. if he never added me that day then we wouldn't be dating and I honestly could not know what my life would be like. I love this boy so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I mean it. my thoughts are never ending...