Notes

I'm getting so pissed off at all of this. I don't wanna do this anymore. I would've done any of this if I'd known it'd only cause pain and very little happiness. nothing good id happening and I feel like nothing good is gonna happen anytime soon with the way this is all working out. I have a straight face on during all of this but really I'm breaking on the inside. parts of me want to run and the rest of me wants to stay because I've built up all this love for him, but with this being said....I fell like this love is slowly fading away. my needs aren't being met. my boundaries. not respected. my heart. broken. and I honestly wonder if this is worth it, or if this relationship's becoming toxic. and why I'm the only one putting in any effort at all towards this relationship. is us arguing so much a sign?? or am I blind?? or am I supposed to be breaking down and having this much anxiety about this kind of stuff?? maybe them fighting so much is some kind of sign that it's not meant to be....?? as badly as I want it to be. I need him to contribute this relationship as much as I am and if he doesn't well then he doesn't really care now does he?? maybe I'm the one doing something wrong and I'm just not realizing it. his excuses aren't enough of a reason for the way he's been acting towards, my friends. his friends, AND HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND! so as I write this with tears in my eyes, I wonder if it's worth it. cuz maybe it doesn't hurt that bad. but now I'm covered in scars and I'm having to stich up my own heart. I'm not mad....im hurt. I'm having to be my own shoulder to cry on because my original left without even realizing. I'm having to mentally support myself because my support left me. I'm having to deal with my anxiety on my own because my best friend left my side. even though we're still in this relationship together, it feels like a heartbreak. it feels as if we've broken up.....