Notes

I looked forward to finishing my work just to work, but now I want to finish my work for what? it feels pointless because when I actually did have free time, I wanted nothing more than to spend time with you guys playing games or doing whatever

I have other friends than you guys obviously, but they tended to not play with me too much last semester after August; it would turn into something where I'd play valorant (or smash/fighting games) with them sometimes on Fridays/Saturdays

and then there's cod, which I haven't had fun with in a while, and now my cousins broke off ties with the guy from NY cause he was annoying LOL

now during real school, I had fun activities that were in-person. ahhh I remember now
playing video games during study hall with friends
one of my close friends bowling with me, playing guitar, even following me to some family/work parties

my brain has probably just been tricking me into thinking I can only have fun with her or you...so it hurts when you guys have fun without me (sounds selfish ik); it feels like I'm wanted but that she'd rather have anyone else to be with, someone who's more fun/interesting

this can *kind of* be disproved by the fact she spent the night of my birthday with almost exclusively me AND she had a good time, but afterwards it seemed like she'd rather play bedwars/stardew with other people (this is what I mean, it felt like she reacted more positively to faraz/matt while I was just sitting there)



ohh and I kind of reached a conclusion about me feeling like I can't do anything last week
see, I think I wanted to be good at games/know stuff about them because I wanted to impress everyone else...these games are our only form of interaction in these times, so my brain made me think I have to be better at them for you guys to like me
so much of it was subconscious though so I didn't even know


for now I'll do what I can with school, and if you guys aren't available then I'll try to find other ways to have fun (it's possible, I just had a hard time believing it because I spent so much of winter break with you guys)
we'll create great moments together, I just need to be patient, and eventually we can even do irl stuff
remember to invite me when that happens pls *evil smirk*