Notes

null: i have never done anything wrong in my life ever
velma: i know this and i love you
—
wednesday, to elijah: i have this headache that comes and goes
silv and velma, walking into the room:
wednesday: it's back
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wednesday: i'm gonna mix a can of red bull with 17 shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while kids by mgmt plays in the background so i can perceive 23 spatial dimensions and fight my own soul
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velma: what's your biggest fear
silv: being forgotten
velma: damn that's deep.
velma: mines the koolaid man but i feel kinda stupid about that now
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velma: standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak, like, look at this flower. this flower is taller than i am. this flower is winning and im losing
silv: wow, you are not ready to hear about trees
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elijah: you can control white people by giving them cheese
stella: cheese is so good tho
elijah: i got one
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maeve: how long does a stick of deodorant last?
null: usually only 3 to 4 bites
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the shadow, about wednesday: physically, i can kill him. but emotionally? yeah i can kill him
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velma: i never committed any acts of terror. i punched a guy who pissed me off and he just happened to represent the country.
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elijah: "luck" is my middle name!
elijah: unfortunately, "bad" is my first name
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stella: if you water water, it grows
silv: what?
velma: she's got a point
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silv: thought i was meowing back to fido for the past hour
silv: turns out it was just me and elijah meowing back and forth from different rooms in the house
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silv: null, we need to talk.
null: wig. sis SNAPPED
silv, to velma: my god what have you done to him?
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cop: you're being fined for having 6 people on one motorcycle
silv: wait, six???
silv: shit elijah fell off
—
maeve: what's an orgasm?
wednesday: when you fold paper to look like birds and stuff
velma: that's oregano bitch
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velma: silv and i are having a baby

maeve: that's gre-
velma, slamming adoption papers on the table: it's you. sign here.
—
stella: is this whiskey or perfume?
elijah, chugging the entire bottle: it's perfume
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elred: remember to drink water babes
null: no
elred: then become the dirt i walk on.
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velma: hey do you want to— stop screaming its me — do you want to watch shrek with me?
silv: IM IN THE SHOWER
velma:
velma: so is that a yes or
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wednesday: fuck, i want to die
silv: language
wednesday: hecky heck, i crave death
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silv: nasa predicts an asteroid will pass close to earth the day before the election
stella: alright everyone when i say lean you fucking lean
velma:
elijah:
wednesday:
stella: to be clear we are trying to get hit
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elijah: why would you give null a knife??
silv: he said he felt unsafe!!
elijah: well now i feel unsafe!!!
silv:
silv, reaching inside his pocket: . . . you want a knife?
—
velma: studiously working, listening to a podcast, very focused
stella, upside down in her chair: do you think stars have feelings?
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velma, trying her best: so uh, would you like to have dinner tonight?
silv: i like to have dinner every night
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maeve, trying to treat elijah’s wounds: how would you rate the pain?
elijah: zero stars
maeve:
elijah: would not recommend?
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maeve: can we eat ice cream for dinner?
silv: what did velma say
maeve: she said no
silv: then why are you asking me?
maeve: she’s not the boss of you
silv, internally: this is a trap this is a trap this is—
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wednesday: we need to talk about your maturity levels
velma, standing on a table with maeve and null: mighty bold words from a guy standing in lava
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maeve: i made this friendship bracelet for you
wednesday: i’m not really a jewelry person
maeve: oh, you don’t have to wear-
wednesday: i’m gonna wear it every day, back off
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wednesday: you shouldn’t use a straw
stella: i know, it’s bad for the environment
wednesday: no it’s a weird fucking way to eat spaghetti
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velma: see that girl–
silv: watch that scene–
wednesday: methamphetamine.
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elijah: im currently unsupervised
some random antagonist: what
elijah: this should frighten you
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silv: lily can you do me a favour?
lily: i would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for it if you asked me to.
silv: can you get me a coffee?
lily: no.
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velma: so apparently the ‘bad vibes’ i’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’
—
silv: so what do you want
shadow: the souls of the innocent
wednesday: a bagel
shadow: no!!
wednesday: two bagels
—
silv, internally: okay, be smooth. the pickup line is "hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from heaven, because you have the face of an angel." don't mess this up.
silv: heavens angel, did you fall on your face-
velma: oh my god, take me.
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the queen: why are there small hand-shaped dents in the palace walls?
silv, whispering to null: why are there small hand-shaped dents in the palace walls?
null , whispering back: because i have small hands
silv : because he has small hands
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velma & stella: everything i like is either expensive, illegal or won't text back
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velma: i am your new science teacher, bill nein
elijah: can i go to the bathroom?
velma: NEIN
—
velma: dude i got you a friendship bracelet
silv: nice! put it on me
velma, proceeding to put 1 pair of handcuffs on both of their wrists:
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stella: i’m a nice person but im about to start throwing rocks at people
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velma: how much money do you have?
elijah: sixty-nine cents
velma: hey you know what that means!
elijah, in tears: i don't have enough money for chicken nuggets
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velma: the only straight i am is straight up bitch
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velma: silv texted me “your adorable” so i texted them back and said “no, YOU’RE adorable.“
wednesday: and?
velma: and now we’re dating. we’ve been on six dates. all i did was point out a typo, but i like him so i’m not gonna say anything.
—
velma: yo, i’m here. open up.
silv:
silv: as a child, i was forced to eat dog food for dinner-
velma: open the fucking door.
—
at silv's funeral
velma: can i have a moment alone with him?
velma: alright, i know you’re not actually dead.
silv, in the coffin: yEAH NO SHIT
—
silv: can i shoot them?
velma: not in public
—
silv: hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you?
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wednesday: i have made the decision to trust you.
silv: a horrible decision really.
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elijah & maeve: hey, you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologize to you
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velma: i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian
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wednesday: no one cared what i thought
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silv: he was injured!
elijah: i wasn't injured i was lightly stabbed.
velma: i'm sorry, you were stabbed?
elijah: lightly stabbed.
—
velma: not to worry, i have a permit!
wednesday: this just says "i can do what i want"
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elijah: i wasn't hurt that badly!
the gang:
elijah: the doctor said all my bleeding was internal! that's where the blood is supposed to be!
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velma: alright, listen up fuckers!
velma: not you, maeve. you're an angel and we're thrilled you're here.
—
wednesday, vibrating slightly because he had too much caffeine: everything in the world is my fault
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velma: hey wanna hear a joke?
wednesday: my whole life is a joke..
velma:
velma: knock knock-

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elijah: remember that plant i thought might be tea?
wednesday: you didn't-
elijah: i did and it wasn't
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wednesday: get me a vodka rocks
elijah: wednesday, its breakfast
wednesday:
wednesday: and some toast
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stella: velma, truth or dare?
velma: dare, i’m no wimp.
stella: kiss the most attractive person in the room right now.
velma, turning to silv: hey
silv: wh-
velma: can you move a bit you're blocking the mirror
—
elijah, at 3am: do you think pigeons have feelings?
wednesday: i’m giving you one more chance to shut up
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velma: i have a plan
wednesday: and i have the hospital on speed-dial
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velma: you remember that time you dared me to lick a swing set?
wednesday: no, i said "don't lick the swing set" and you replied "don't tell me what to do" and licked the swing set
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silv: i’m getting a brain scan at the hospital today.
wednesday: to check if you have one?
silv: thank you so much for your concern and support.
—
silv, clearly nervous: babe
velma, clearly angry: fellow associate
—
velma: would i rather be feared or loved?
velma: both. i want people to be afraid of how much they love me
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wednesday: feels an emotion
wednesday: who the fuck authorized this?
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wednesday: sorry i'm late.
stella: what happened?
wednesday: nothing i just really didn't want to come
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silv: i promised velma we wouldn't do anything stupid!
maeve: why would you lie to your wife like that?
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velma: would you please not elijah this into a situation worse than it already is
elijah: did
elijah: did you just use my name as a verb?
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silv: velma talks in her sleep sometimes
velma, sleeping: square up bitch... yeah you thought you could get away with it...take that
silv: it’s so cute.
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elijah: you know, i’ve met some of the most insufferable people on these journeys
elijah: but they also met me, so
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velma: truth or dare?
maeve: truth
velma: how many hours have you slept this week?
maeve: dare
velma: go to sleep
maeve: i don't like this game
—
velma: ha! you used to have a crush on me. how embarrassing.
silv: we’re married
—
null, holding a calculator: what are you?
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silvanus: i’m not asking you to do much. just turn a blind eye while i rob this place stupid.
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wednesday: i’m not gonna be buried in a grave. when i die, just throw me in the trash.
—
wednesday: the eagles won last night
velma: oh, did you watch the game?
wednesday, covered in blood and scratches: what game
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clematis to ofrecina: well, i was wondering, maybe, you would wanna go out some time? for coffee, food, kisses, and gay love?
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katarina: i want you to kill my enemy but make it look like an accident
silvanus: say no more
*later*
detective: looks like the killer beat them to death with a crowbar and placed a banana peel by their feet.
—
velma: i hate being touched
velma: the last time i touched another person was five years ago. in hand to hand combat.
wednesday: maeve is literally hugging you as we speak
velma: this means nothing.
—
the queen: you can’t defeat me!
stella: yes we can! with the power of friendship and the gun that wednesday found!
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velma: i’m struggling to even say this but . . . yzma from the emperor’s new groove was lowkey an awakening for me.
stella: girl an awakening to WHAT
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stella: i know you’re making jokes about how attractive you are to hide your sadness
velma, sobbing: it’s not a joke, i’m a legit snack!
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silvanus: you can’t just turn creativity on like a faucet. you have to be in the right mood.
wednesday: and what mood is that?
silvanus: last minute panic
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null, walking around still disappointed after leaving the aquarium:
maeve: null, what did you think a tiger shark was?
—
silvanus: what are you guys doing in the rain?
maeve: i’m jumping in puddles!
wednesday: i’m trying to get hit by lightning
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elijah: do you think i could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?
wednesday: you are a hazard to society.
wednesday: and a coward. do 20
—
in the group chat:
elijah: does mace work on birds
elijah: if a heron is attacking me will mace be an effective deterrent
elijah: time sensitive question please respond
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wednesday: i told you not to wear it in the shower.
null, holding a soggy burger king crown: i don’t need a lecture right now
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velma & elijah: trauma? Oh you mean the reason i’m fucking hilarious?
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stella: do you think different laundry detergents have different tastes?
elijah: they do
stella: ,,, why did you say that so quickly and with so much certainty?
—
silvanus: where are you going?
stella: either to get ice cream or commit arson. i’ll decide on the way.
—
stella, peeling a banana: may i take your jacket sir?
wednesday: do you think other people can’t hear you?
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stewardess: before we take off, make sure that all small items are secure
silvanus, whispering: do you feel safe?
velma:
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velma: where’s null?
silvanus: he went out
velma: he’s grounded!
silvanus: ,,,are they not allowed to go out when they’re grounded?
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stella: you’re telling me julius caesar, who’s been dead for well over 70 years, made this salad?
silvanus: you’re technically not wrong with that number, i just hate it.
—
velma: i hate going into the kitchen because it makes me realize that i’m the only snack in this house
elijah:
elijah: you forgot the groceries again?
velma: i did
—
the shadow: didn't you die?
wednesday: that was an hour ago, things change
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velma: i started off by making a map of all the alien abductions to see if there was a pattern and it led me to this: there are so many abductions in this town. nobody should live here.
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silvanus: if we are ever in a situation where i am the " Voice of Reason " then we are in a very VERY bad situation.
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null: would you collect rocks with me. be honest
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elijah, making oatmeal at 4:43 pm: i just think it’s so raw and real and visceral and it’s what we need right now
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elijah: sometimes i just want to tell cashiers like. im sorry for being a customer :( im sorry i wish i didn’t have to do this! im sorry .
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silvanus, dragging a visibly agitated crocodile across the lawn: finally got me one of them he/theys
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wednesday: only thing i want to say to you ... reservoir. that means goodbye in french.
elijah: only thing i wanna say to you ... stick. that means baguette in french.
stella: only thing i wanna say to you ... bonnet. that means good night in french.
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velma: i can’t believe you don’t want bofa
silvanus: what’s bofa?
velma: bofa my arms wrapped around you in a loving hug
—
velma, showing up to college: excuse me will someone please direct me to the leftist brainwashing class? i’m here for the leftist brainwashing class.
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silvanus: why don’t you plant some lavender and when it blooms you can squeeze a leaf or two between your fingers and the smell will calm you down. how about you do that. bitch.
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wednesday: rina sawayama was right when she said shut the fuck up. shut the fuck up. shut the fuck up. shut the fuck up.
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maeve: that's a pretty rock, stella!
stella: thanks! wednesday gave it to me :)
wednesday: i threw that at you
stella: he's so sweet
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velma: i have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking.
—
kath: oh my god studio ghibli music just came on. i'm too emotionally fragile for this tonight im about to shatter like a little glass menagerie turtle.
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stella: it’s christmas and you know what that means!
velma: everyone is going to try to kill each other at the dinner table?
wednesday: the sweet release of death?
elijah: getting drunk alone while crying in the bathtub?
stella: i was gonna say “ugly sweater competition” but you know what? we’re going to therapy.
—
silv: sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail
velma: no it’s my fault, i shouldn’t have used my one call to prank call the police
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wednesday: why is there a normal sized carrot in the bag of baby carrots.
maeve: they needed adult supervision
—
wednesday: [loses velma in a crowd]
wednesday: well, that's it. velma is gone.
velma: i'm right behind you.
wednesday: gone. forever.
—
the gang in a crowded place and all holding hands
velma: your hands are really cold
silv: oh i’m sorry
velma: no no, it’s a good thing. my hands are really warm so together we’ll achieve thermodynamic equilibrium.
elijah, who is holding velma’s other hand: oh my god will you two just get married and shut up.
—
the godcats: i invited you here because i crave the deadliest game.
velma: knife monopoly
the godcats: i was actually planning to hunt you for sport but now i’m curious about what knife monopoly is
—
velma: silv, tell the kids about the birds and the bees.
silv: they’re disappearing at an alarming rate.
—
velma, handing wednesday a business card: merry christmas, wednesday.
wednesday: ?
velma: i got you an appointment. you're going to therapy.
—
velma: everyone has a toxic trait.
velma: except maeve. she's perfect.
maeve: wrong! my toxic trait is how badly i want to domesticate a raccoon!
—
velma, kicking the g off a graveyard sign: let’s get this party started
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velma: guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really edgy.
wednesday, on the bottom bunk: honestly fuck you.
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null: why are you lying on the floor?
wednesday: we have depression
elijah: and we were stabbed six or seven times. can you get stella.
—
stella, looking at her rat’s foot: perfect. such tiny, delicate construction. this is the greatest foot i’ve ever seen. And you have four of them! well done.
—
silv: when will the clown sightings happen again? that was fun.
wednesday: look in the mirror and they can start today.
—
velma: people always be saying they wanna date a himbo but it’s actually a full time job to stop them from hurting themselves
the text she just got from silv: why do i have a strong desire to drink the melted wax out of my candle?
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velma: abba was right in super trouper. i AM sick and tired of everything.
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elijah: i hit a tree
silv: WHAT?
silv: are you okay?
silv: or should i say oaky?
silv: haha sorry
silv: but actually
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