Notes

I just had a talk with Kirk today. I long talk and it is bringing up so many feelings I just can't tell you what. It was a very weird conversation in which he kept trying to convince me to take Solo Shows but not really... more so offering up ideas of what my solo show could be. And I kept trying to somehow gently but honestly explain why solo shows wasn't right for me right now, and instead of meeting and seeing me where I was, he would take my language and turn it into a solo show... using my frustration, my inner feelings, my inner everything, and showing me hoe I might use it in class. I even recited stories about my past, traumatic and weird and funny and sad. But I kept trying to say that indeed the problem isn't that I can't write a solo show or that it is making me uncomfortable and that I'm scared of it. The point actually was that I just don't want to be doing this kind of work right now. And that was something he seldom if ever acknowledged. It was such a strange conversation that really took me back into the recesses of my life, as I keep realizing how indeed expansive it has been... the conversation made me pretty sad, remembering Everybody, remembering failures and hearing him be so judgmental of other people; oh this person was horrible, oh this person was the best actor ever. Do you hear dancers talking like this about their students? It brought back, towards the end, feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that were so prevalent in my middle and high school competitive arts scene. This person is talented and amazing, this person is not, these are the problems of this person, these are what this person struggles with... I seldom feel seen by faculty in theatre, and Dina Janis and Jenny are one of the only ones.

Anyways, I felt like it was some sort of goodbye to Kirk in a way... I kept having to defend myself, and he kept throwing these odd examples of my flaws and struggles and tendencies... such as saying no or taking a while to process something which kind of felt hurtful and also very vulnerable... I felt like by the end I was a raw steak, no barriers not protection, shivering int eh cold wind and laughing. I was feeling a hell of a lot of things. I don't know. Why is my fear to disappoint him? I know that if I take his class something good will come out. Of course. I just don't want to write a solo show right now. Maybe I am giving him weird mixed signals about not being sure. When indeed I am.