I used to have quite high expectations while waiting for something, and then eventually I was ending up disappointed. there is two different reasons for that, having high expectations and end of the hype. is there any way to block it? can we prevent ourselves from disappointment? it sounds like easy to do, just keep your expectations low, right? I wish it was that easy. people have goals in their life, short or long term. what is going to happen when you achieve it? you are done with life, nothing you can do after but saying I made it actual life starts after that, a thing you've worked for, it's yours now. what is next? stuff we work for are only impressive until we reach it. when we get those stuff, we slowly or suddenly lose our interest, that's in nature of a human. goals are kind of a moral support to hold on life in my opinion. our battle is with ourself, we are visitors here. we all decide our path and choose our way. it's an endless confusion when you lose your way, or if you can't even find a way to go. my family always had quite high expectations from me as academical success and the reason was my teachers were inflanting my potential. I got into under pressure and disappointed them lot, more than once. history got itself repeated again and again. I was living for to make them satisfied, it sometimes still feels like that. I'm so tired of it and I feel like a dead corpse that is still getting gunshots on this situation. what is my path? I can get my degree and then try to survive for rest of my life. this is secondary plan, the plan that I will be alive. in that way, I expect nothing from life, except one thing. being self sufficient. I want to be enough on my own, I wish I could live free without feeling like I need someone. I know, we are social createtures, loneliness isn't healthy but I feel like I got used to it and if I become social person, I will be struggling to adapt that way. or I could make my dream true. I can express how I really feel with my music, and when I realize I left my legacy behind I can end my journey. I would leave it in top, I would end my journey as a man who was born as a slave, and died as a king. I don't see myself living more after reaching a level of success, what I am going to do after it? make new work? and then? it's a never ending thing, all the money that I would make, what I can do with those? a house? a plane? those are temporary things that is not going to make me feel satisfied. I want to leave my legacy and help people with my own stuff. if I won't be able to do that, if I ever fail, I will spend my life on my own until my expire date. two different ways, one is bottom, and other one is top, no inbetween. I either want to leave my legacy or make sure everyone is going to forget about me. ordinary, or extra-ordinary. no one knows what is going to happen, best way to predict your future is working hard for it. I won't be struggle to get lost as an ordinary man. it's a thing that is happening for years. people who actually loved me disappeared from my life and I blame myself for some of them, at that point sometimes I feel like everyone is going to leave eventually. no matter who I met in this temporary journey, only thing will remain will be myself. I have to stay true to myself, I should keep my loyality to myself, be real and loyal to myself. due to awareness of this, I make people runaway from myself, it's where I put myself blame. there are always many ways for me to improve myself, reading my own writings made me realize it. I think this could be reason why I was born. absolutely destroying myself mentally and thriving for success and improvement, being best version of myself. that's how I should represent my life at it's best.
