Notes

i hate online school. i hate everything, so many missing assignments, bowls and plates piling up, no motivation to do anything. i push everyone away except jessie, i wanna talk to her but i dont wanna put all this on her. the only thing i look forward to is seeing my dad and i cant even see him. i miss cartier, his hugs, his goodmorning and goodnight texts, i want a hug. a hug from him, him to tell me he loves me. i dont wanna put my feelings on anyone else so i bottle it all up till the point where its 3 o'clock in the morning bawling my eyes out, rashes under my eyes from the continous tears. tear drops on my pillow dont even make a difference now, its the usual. its akways the same old same old when people do realise your hurting. 'im always here, i believe in you, youre so strong, youve got this.' i dont tho, i cant even sit there and listen to the teacher and actually congratulate myself when i answer something because i know ill never be here later on to use these life skills. my mum wakes me up, thinking im gonna be joining that science lesson learning about atoms, when i dont. i lay there in bed, watching tiktoks that relate to me. about how people are tired and dont have the motivation, like me. my hairs greasy, i cant bring myself to leave my bed, run a bath, get dressed and then continue my day. theres no motivation for it. i didnt talk to anyone on whatsaapp for like 2 days, i wnt back and only one person had texted me. i responed and she didnt even reply after thta. i doubt anyone woud even notice tbh. my mum took my phone, says i dont get it back until i do my work. its my only wa of coping, i need someone to talk to. minecraft takes my mind off things, reading used to. doesnt anymore, doesnt feel like it used to.