Notes

- first sentence should introduce the rest of the paragraph
- make it easier to read for the reader
- fix getting a teenager is hard part
- fix past tense present tense situation
- be more specific on motivation, be more explicit on what about that job made you passionate about marketing
- connect my job and what about it made me more interested in marketing
- taught me a, b, and c
- using analytics, thought that went into business, seasonal trends drinks, business decisions and interest in certain things
- brand decisions, effect on me, nitpickiness, paying attention to details

this paragraph feels out of place to me. it is a really good paragraph on its own (explains your passions and goals) but needs to be molded into the broader general picture of the essay (how your job affected you and helped you). I'm not exactly sure how your job affected your long term passions when i read this essay, if that makes sense.
One possible way to do this - even though your owner was mean to you, watching him run the business and make certain difficult decisions using forecasting or data trends inspired you to want to be in a similar corporate strategy type role.

Another possible way - watching how much thought the owner put into every single detail of the store - the cleanliness, how all of us had to be smiling when we talked to customers, the words we used, the arrangement of the chairs, etc. gave me a true appreciation for how much appearances matter when trying to market a business to potential customers.