Notes

I give people benefit of the doubt, and often wish to see the good side of everyone. I often want to be liked by everyone. I feel really bad right now. I feel terrible. Everyone down there is having fun and conversing and with every second I feel worse, because I am up here alone and my thoughts kill me. They choke me.
I give people benefit of the doubt
I feel so stupid
I feel like Biborka is so smart
And as I said before, I do everything for her and yet feel ignored by her
I did horrible things to Zo, and I can't even process them
I am racist
I am a racist
I was conditioned to be racist
I don't know where to go or how
I still feel that I get defensive, I still feel like I undermine black people's stories about their experience. No matter how much I try, I just don't fully listen. I insert myself as if I know more, I colonize, I erase and invalidate. I listen, and then I say "oh I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that that happened. But..." I tell Zo that Linda Hurley treats everyone like that. I imply to Zo, whether I intend to or not, that it's not because he's black. I tell Imara, even after I listen, that Louis is actually really sweet and vulnerable. And she tells me that she doesn't care, that many black people are vulnerable but you never hear their stories or see their stories. And she is right, but somehow I am not able to fully let go, I have to make a medium. Why can't I stop talking and listen?

Zo tells me he's mad at white people and I apologize. I apologize because I want to remove, I want to remove this uncomfortableness that "he" is bringing. I want us to be happy. I want everything to be okay, so I apologize. But he is right, it is a grand apology, as if I can apologize for all white people. And he doesn't need me to do that. Why do I always cry? Why do I feel like I want to cry? Why do I feel like I can't feel what I am feeling? Like I am missing something huge that would prevent me from feeling the way I do? Why can't I let go and accept that this can happen and that later it will change, that I will change? I apologize to Zo because I don;t know what else to do, when what I should do is to listen and accept. To Listen and and accept. I feel so stupid, I feel so small and bad and ugly and racist and like a fucking horrible person. All the people below are good people, happy and not racist. I am alone and sad up here, and racist.

We know this isn't true. We know that this binary is a problem. We know that we must engage race full on, unapologetically. We know that it's not about us but the way we were raised. We feel more stupid though. We feel so incredibly stupid in a bad way. We feel like others are writing and happy, and that we are not writing, or not the way that we should be. We just feel so fucking bad and horrible. Why? We feel afraid, we feel sad, we feel a loss of self. Can we, can we, can we, can we accept this? Can we let go? Can we, can we, can we make this not about us? Can we understand that Zo is hurt? And that it is our fault? Can we switch this to being there for Zo? Can we switch this to loving Zo?

We don't think we have ever been called out in the way we were last night. Fully. In so many, so many, so many ways. it was a lot to take in. I feel upset (and I know that I shouldn't). Is this what we mean by time being necessary? With Adi it was an anger, and anger I had to learn to hold. I had to learn it in a healthy way,