Notes

11/22, 11:40 pm -12:12am ish

I want scores, scores as gifts. Gifts we can give each other in this time, as support. Not gifts for later but gifts for now, gifts that evolve and that change with our relationship to them. A system of scores. Practice of asking, practice of offering. What kind of support would I like? I would like scores that open up my imagination, my body, and my heart. I want scores that offer you as the score maker. I want a score as an offering, as a joke, as a provocation, as a tickle. I want a score that redirects and expands attention. I want a score that Illuminates. Am I selfish for wanting a score? No.
People in my class:
Lucy
Uma
Louisa
Kari
Rachel

Ask each to write you a score. Ask each to give me a gift. And give a dance for each person as well. Like my summer research. Send a gift, preciousness. What is my vocabulary, David asks? Method is something that develops over time, but in that case, the initial momentum reaction that spawned was its own important methodology and time created trappings. I was not able to push through them to a different terrain. I stayed.

Is it too much to ask everyone for help? What does collective help look like? Can it function in a sustainable way?
What about a collective, imaginary exercise? I am not used to working from my room. I am not used to rushing after class. I am not used to it at all. I don't come prepared with a new video and questions. I come with a desire to see and be seen, to listen and be heard, to dive deep into the practices, into the work. And yet I do not present mine. I spend all day reading and thinking, cleaning and being in a murky wobbly world. I don't practice in a studio, and I don't feel breathy expansion of possibilities.
Rather than thinking about what I don't perhaps it is more productive, more useful, more empowering to think about what I can do.

I can go on a jog before I eat.
I can read before getting out of bed.
I can play a little piano.
I can walk to the piano slowly.
I can arrive at the lichen, and be with them.
I can set a structure, and allow myself to fill it over time.
I can look just a bit ahead so as not to be thrown into disequilibrium that hurts.
I can pause and reacess my priorities.
I can listen to music as a way of accessing pleasure.
I can write and write, through thoughts feelings worries opportunities frustrations emotions, sadnesses, hurts, pains, movements, ideas, relationships, changes, occurrences, plans, responsibilities, losses, and flows.
I can have at least one recurring presure-less practice that exists for the purpose of existing.
On that note i can put a sketchbook by my bed that stays there and is only my bed sketchbook. And it is where i draw for 5 minutes before I go to bed and for 5 minutes when I wake up. It is that and that only.
Of course things will bleed. But we can't rely on them to or expect them to or anticipate their bleeding.
We can return to moments and sources of joy.
We can expand our notion of body, space, time.
We can ask Stefanos if he would dress me one day.
We can ask Biborka if she will dress me one day.
We can ask Ulyana if they will dress me one day.
We can ask smile if she will dress me one day.
It will be a collaboration of 4.
We can make a reading schedule outside of class, a lichen reading schedule.
We can make a blog just for ourselves where we move through our process, because process if what matters to us more than produce.
Unfortunately it often feels like performance is detached from process when in reality it is synthesis and a whole world exists outside of it.
We want to write a performance.
The other day we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that, we realized that
and during the writing of this I imagined people watching and witnessing and then as soon as we come back, no pause, just jump in, say things, bam! Share them! Share them! Share them! Things that jumped out! Thoughts! Aversions! Judgements! Attractions! Repletions!

Thinking back, the other day we realized that perhaps, it is the very fast speaking, the practice of 100mph that is missing and that through it imagination unlocks, opens. Moving faster than your brain. The brain catching up to the body. Indeed this happens in the studio, this happens in the practice, a flow, a current emerges. I love that! A current emerges. Of course I am laying in my bed, my head is crooked up, tension in the back, and legs are crossed. My jaw is also tense.
Tension: why do we, why do we, why do we reduce the bodily experience to "tension"? Eyes tired, eyes tired.

Time? We found it freeing, and then we let go of it. Usually it means we don't need it. Time is a starting point, to jump off from.

I will type for the next 30 breaths, and then will switch to something else, the first thing that comes to mind at the end, though it must be a radically different medium occupying a different temporality (sometimes arbitrary rules like that help, structure, and then you reflect and change and move on). Um okay starting now. Oh okay this is hard I feel like I can't actually oh no oh my goodness, who said that this is an observation of the stomach, sagging as it does, the large belly button hole reminding me of old crushes, old secretly shared sexting, prolapse, collapse, Ishmael and the unread, the lost, the time before, the sadness and the sorrow, the days of yestermorrow (what the fuck kind of poetry is that) the frustration of being in this pose, the we are on 16, 17 18 19 20 hi plant, you are so beautiful, so so so so beautiful, my teeth hurt, I miss precious-less games, theatre games, sound making games, bla bla bla games, everything Uma fucking can't stand because she's so fragile and uncomfortable...but she still plays, but a specific kind of play in a safe environment. Not in a class (never). She's too high for that. And I thought that I saw a different side to her. Hmmm. Guess not. And Lucy is amazing and Louisa so special and Kari extraordinary and Rachel sleepy. Okay enough bs. Let's be inspired, because we one again did not choose to watch Ishmael's Unsafe/Unsuited. But we will. We will. We promise!!!