Notes

I feel alone and some times i just want to give up but my mom has told me to keep going forward and to stay strong but deep down inside i just can't stay strong and i want to give up.I want to die but i want to live i'm scared of living and dying which is a weird fear.I have a best friend but i'm scared to lose him i feel like he will find someone new and i'm so scared.I always think of the future and thinking about the future scares me and i honestly don't know why, sometimes i want to cry but if i cry i don't feel better i just feel more pain and i cry more and my therapist isn't helping in my opinion because she is sometimes annoying and i can never say "I don't know" to a question she asks me i never feel comfortable talking to her because i hate having to tell her about my life but that's what a therapist is for.Sometimes i feel lost my life feels like an never ending maze i'm scared for life to end sometimes i wish i never woke up but i did everyday i'm so sad i just want to take my own life away,which is a bad idea because i have people around me who love me and care for me but i always feel like i'm not loved, but i am loved.I feel so insecure about my body and face each part of my body is what i hate about myself.I have suicidal thought like:You should hang yourself, slit your wrist, jump off a roof, get ran over already.Sometimes i look at something and if i start looking at something too long i start having memories of life and i start crying because i miss my old self.I'm stressed and depressed and i'm suicidal i'm tired of living but i don't want to die it's hard having to fake smile so everyone can believe it.I'M SO TIRED OF LIFE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND I NEVER WILL.