Notes

its okay to be sad. You don't owe anyone a performance of being okay when you feel like your falling apart. It isn't your job to smile or hide your truth to make others feel more comfortable. If it gets awkward, let it be awkward. If people try to silence your pain by telling you to get over it and cheer up because your no longer fun or your ruining the mood, you don't have to push away your sadness. You have to honor your feelings and trust that you don't need anyone's permission or approval to feel what you feel. You don't ever have to sacrifice your self care for the sake of people who only want you around when its easy and comfortable. Their discomfort isn't about you its about them and their own limitations, and no matter what they think or say, you deserve yo give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You're allowed to talk about your pain and reach out for support. You're allowed to scream and wail and cry. You're allowed to be sad. There comes a time the pain of continuing exceeds the pain of stopping. At that moment, a threshold is crossed. What seemed to be unthinkable becomes thinkable. Slowly the realization encourage that the choice to continue what you have been doing is the choice to live in discomfort, and the choice to stop what you have been doing is the choice to breathe deeply and freely again. Once that realization has emerged, you can either honor it or ignore it. What has become known can not become unknown again. Our greatest joy and our greatest pain come in our relationships with others. I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I mean, I'm not sure if I'm not sad. But I'm not exactly happy either, I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but sometimes when I'm alone at night I forget how to feel. I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be. It has transformed me into a person I do not recognize; But I don't know how to let it go. What brings us tears , leads us to grace. Our pain is never wasted. My mind is trying too get you out of my head but my heart is holding onto every single word that you ever said. Sometimes I just want someone to put me in bed, stroke my hair and say: "its okay. You don't have to be strong al the time.....No one is always happy.". Its sad something coming to an end. It will crack you open, in a way cracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I like you but I'm scared you will hurt me. I like you but I'm scared I misread al of your acts. I like you but I'm scared you don't feel the same. I like you but I'm scared ill like you more. I like you but I'm scared.....
...I'm scared ill love you and you don't love me back..

~EMILY BARRETT.