Notes

Jasmine Cogar
I wake up. Laying in bed for hours at a time. Countin the seconds. The seconds I wasted on my life.
Over thinkin every thing ive ever done. Praying for motavation... to get outa bed, do something with my life. I feel usless and wasted. Trying everyday to put a smile on my face. My main goal to make everyone happy but me... Yesterday I sat in a car. My mom and Brother crying their eyes off. And I sat thinking to myself... be strong, dont cry, make everyone happy. I know my family loves me. Just sometimes I feel alone. I lay around thinking of what I can do. I get up... but as soon as I see a mirror I want to break down. I hate how I look... I hate how people see me. sometimes I feel bad because of self pitty and other times i just feel ashamed because my family has to be seen with me and look at me everyday. I dont go out of the house because of reason like that. I put make-up on to cover me up. I wear hoodies and jeans in the summer so nobody see what I really look like. The sad fact is though is that i look ugly with or without a hoodie or jeans. I was just born ugly. Sometimes I do wonder why I am here. I think the main reason I want to be a vet is because I can help the living things that dont judge me. Humans are so jugmental. I hate going out in public because i feel as if i have eyes on me at all times. I sometimes get so upset with myself because i try to starve myself and then i end up ruinning it. I want to be someone can say oh yeah this is my beautiful daughter and not be lying or ashamed of me. sometimes i even think mom think I look ugly or that she is embarased by me. If you tghink about it Ive never told the truth when im sad. I make up some excuse. I have anxeity and deppersion... some point to the fact like ill try to figure out the quickest way to die in my head. I think everyone suffers from axiety and deppresion, just some people have it worse. I think the saddest thing is i dont know how to stop from thinking. I know im failing at homework, but i honestly dont know how to focus any more. its come to the point where foucusing is a challange. I would love to tell my mom or tell someone about all of this but i know they have their own problems. who wants to hear a girl compain about how she feels? nobody...exactly what i thought. Be strong that what i always remind myself... i can be weak when nobody is around or everyone is asleep. Be strong in front of your family or the people who know you. Anyways i may or may not right another one of these. idk