Notes

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
I am sorry for showing attitude to you. While I know it may seem like it, but I don't want to upset you. We do disagree sometimes, but I've learned that, no matter the situation, I have to respect your decision. However, there are some parts that play into the attitude you may be seeing. Your right, I should have been grateful, and I pray I remember this in the future.
However, there is some things I have to let out. I didn't want to ever, but I fear there are some habits that can't be fixed if I don't. I feel as if its crucial to live a peaceful life. Lately, I've been trying on not keeping grudges, and many other habits I am trying to shake off.

On a small explanation,
I have to explain that there are so many things that play into part.
There are so many problems and things that go on in my mind, all the time that I can't really share with you. Now, it's not bad things like sinning or rebelling or whatever. I'm not with any bad association or bad company in friends, and I don't really share these things with people. In fact, as a result of this quarantine and many other things a lot of my friendships have dwindled. In fact, I've been feeling so lonely, and just hopeless a lot of times. Part of it is, I have no one I can really talk about honest things, no counselor, or someone who can give me advice, who has time to listen and can see things in my point of view. Pleaseee don't take this as an insult, but I don't know why it is just too hard to brings things to you, it's just our differences.
I know that God is the person who we can talk too, and I have but I guess God has a specific time he wants to respond. I am just reaching out, because it has come to the point where it is Too overwhelming to hide. I am ashamed of showing any sign of weakness or as you may say "sense of wrong" sometimes.
Here are things that have been making life so much harder. Before I mention, I am aware that I am very privileged, and have it better than SO many others in life, trust me I know from the people I've known or encountered. However, no matter what I can't seem to shake off these type of feelings that swarm my mind lately. There are even days, were It gets better and I am full of the joy of the Lord(well at least I think) to where my mentality is "Oh, joy comes in the morning, the problems I faced before, I can overcome it, all these feelings I an just forget about it. But then always something happens where whether it be an event, life turbulence, or even just simple things like arguing cause me to just breakdown or so to say. My plan was just to bottle it all up until I can escape these things and just life a different life in college. or just hope it goes away. However, I am exhausted and just need to say it out. There was even a point where I just told myself, "It's just you being extra/complaining, doubting, or listening to the devils lies. While even if this may be true I still need to own up and speak to someone about it, for me to get better.
Here is just the bare minimum I have been encountering
- You know what as I was typing this it just added to how pathetic I am rn. Like what the heck, why did I let it get to this, why.
I am over here crying like a wreck, acting like a maniac all for the stupid feelings I made. I have a major headache, so depressed, and every thought it just jumping in my mind but yet I can't write it down. INFACT I CANT TELL THEM ANY OF THIS, its to late, i can't . What would they do? Worse case scenario is inevitable, they would ignore it. Even worse, they would invalidate what i am feeling. Even if they tried what would that do... I can't even tell them everything, so how do I truly get fixed. Just live with this misery, continue hiding it? Keep trying to reach out subtly and fail. I repeat there is NO one to talk to. Not even the ones I love. No ONe WILL UNDERSTAND, the only one who can read my mind, understand me truly is God. And my one prayer is that he somehow makes this all go away, disappear, never to come back again. i don't want to say anything to anyone , just go back to normal, far from all these PROBLEMS INSIDE MY head. everytime i find a solution, there is something else. i cant even type anymore. I don't know if this prayer makes sense, but God PLEASE free me from all this in the easiest way possible Lord, in Jesus Name, have YOUR way. Jer 29: 11