There was a point in time a few months in length where I wanted you dead, wished for it, every day. For most of it, I wanted you to come back, feel the pain and frustration of death and be brought back some time later since I still felt like I wanted or needed you to some extent. But it didn't take long for that peace to pass, and for probably at least 2 of those months and want you dead and gone, forever. I felt like yes you provided me with material goods to survive and yes you get me things sometimes but I felt like on a deep level there was nothing, no true value or connection between us. Mom and son yeah, but where's that care, support, personal investment. It felt like everything was about my work, not me. And I've come to realize that. I'm not judged or cared for based on me and my value, and instead I'm told to get the work done. It seems as though the balance that I get by with and work with, and am able to complete work with in a satisfactory fashion, is not worthwhile because I place not crying everyday and not staring at a blank page bored and scared over being stable and capable of sitting down and working. I thought that a balance of my mental state and getting the work done would be satisfactory because while it may not work with your schedule, I at least get the work done and you're happy it's done, turned in, and satisfactory. Instead, I find that everything is wrong, and instead of being asked specific questions to get the specific answers you want you go behind my back and freak out without context. I'm constantly being told to put the work first, and that I can't worry about myself, when all I'm thinking about right now is honestly if I had a loaded gun I would probably aim it at my head and pull the trigger just to get one final victory in because I can never win doing what I want to, and I'm so fed up with being afraid all the time. Afraid of my work, afraid not doing well enough on my work, afraid of not doing my work, afraid of not being enough for you (which I never seem to be), afraid of failing you (which I always seem to be), afraid of being myself and waking up and wanting to be happy because every breath I take feels like one more painful moment sustaining me through hell wherein I'm always wrong, I'm never enough, I can't do the right thing but I have to do everything anyways because I have to be enough and I have to be right. There is no room for being wrong in this world. I didn't learn that from school. I didn't learn that from the internet. I learned that from you. School told me what was wrong and how to do better. The internet trained me to understand objective truth, some things are right sometimes, other times they're wrong. What I learned from you is that when I'm wrong I get punished. I lose something. Maybe not some object or tangible thing but I lose a bit of myself because I get beat down with words, told I need to change because everything I do now doesn't work and never will. I wish I was sorry about the personal attack here but you flopped hard in senior year and you weren't even doing full AP, I'm at least keeping things together and functioning and doing alright, at least in my classes and well I was ok mentally but we'll see how that changes. Not that it will with how numb I am but that's besides the point, I simply wish to know what gives you the right to say I'm doing badly. What basis and understanding of ME do you have to prove I cannot do what I am doing. What is your authority based on. I want to care about what you have to say. We even agreed to this not so long ago, to listen and learn and understand each other, to begin anew in a sorts. But when it came down to the wire, there was no faith in me. There was a fully facts-and-logic-based thought process against me, and no amount of your care for me could make you give me a chance because you don't have faith in me. You already established that you didn't THINK I could do it, and you have so little care in and faith for me that you don't even FEEL like I can do it. I want to be believed in. I want to feel cared for. I want to feel unjudged for how I live. I want to feel like it's ok so long as I'm happy and my work gets done. I want to feel like I matter beyond my work. I want to feel like I have purpose and meaning. Some deep part of me wants to feel like there's a connection between us but every word I've written here has chiseled away at what little was rebuilt from a time when I truly wished death upon those around me.
I can continue if you'd like, because I always have more connections to draw, judgements to make, and feelings to vent. If you'd like me to answer something specific, give me that as well.
