Notes

There's something I think you should know about me.
I'm suffering through spouts of depression. And anxiety.
The anxiety runs through the family.
Whenever you're noticing i'm a bit out of it, it's most likely the combination of the two acting up.

The weight is heavy on my heart and I really don't know how to cope with it. At all.
I don't tell people this because I guess it turns them away? At least that's what I notice.

I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like the world needs to stop for a few days. Months. Or years.

I can't feel anything. And whenever I do feel anything, it lasts a short period of time and I hate it.
So apathetic for no fucking reason and I don't want it to be like this and I can't control it.
I hate it when I feel so powerless.

I'm left to my thoughts all the time and they keep bugging me.
Sometimes it's hard to brush things off by doing something else.
The smallest tasks can turn out to be the hardest things to do.
Sometimes I don't even eat. Or get out of bed.
I shower, yeah. Because I have this thing about hygiene.
But as soon as I do I'm back in bed because I get lightheaded and I'm easily worn out.
I feel so tired. All the time.

The fact that I don't have a sense of urgency about my future or that I can't feel anything frustrates me.
Resulting in the heavy heart.

I see my friends getting frustrated with me, and I just sit. Dumbfounded.
Only able to feel frustration. I don't mean it. I really don't. I'm really sorry about it.
So I over-think and get anxious and I start shaking or panicking and back out into isolation for a few days.
Sometimes I'm so afraid. And I don't know why I feel a sense of fear.
Where it comes from or why I feel this way.

I'm reaching out to you because I believe it's best that you'd know.
I keep this shit to myself, I don't know why.
Some people I've known for years don't know this about me because I do a good job at hiding it.
It's so hard to reach out. And speak what's on my mind.
I'm too afraid of bumming anyone out.
Always in a position where I need someone to understand me..
But at the same time I don't want to ruin their mood.
I guess I feel that it's safe to tell you.

Depression is a killer. I'm trying to fight it. I really am.
But it's so merciless and callous.
With every heartbeat I feel myself fading away.
I notice that I get weaker and weaker by the day.
Every time I try to reach out, I get brushed off. And I feel so alone.
Pained by the thought of remaining this way forever
I feel as if the gashes that have been slit open cannot be sewn.
There's this constant anguish and torment and it is driving me insane.
I have yet to find something or someone that is able to take away the pain.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs, until my voice ceases to sound
Alas, what good are my thoughts and frustrations when there is no one else around.
Very little is the chance of me ever pulling through.
For however long I may last, I need your understanding and support. I need you.