Notes

I wanna talk about myself, not to other everyone but I wish there was really someone who gave an actual fuck.
I want to talk about the emptiness I feel. It's like being completely drained from feeling anything. JUST EMPTY. I feel empty so often that I wonder how I am carrying on my day to day routine of loving people and trying to love life. Sometimes I just wonder to myself, where does this love even come from. I feel so empty and done of everything all the time; yet I somehow find it in somewhere in some tiny piece of my heart to love other people.
I always put others needs and feelings before my own, even when I am feeling empty. When I get into some deep realization state, I just can’t see anything other than my own worthlessness. However, I think that this feeling of emptiness is what gives me the ability to still show others love because I know what it feels like to not have someone.
This thing leaves me feeling numb in a way, like I am in the backseat and my body is taking over when what I really want to do is let go. There are literally some days that I continue because I know that I have to. It is always a struggle, but somehow I make it. I have people depending on me that I have to force myself to keep moving, to get up and live my life. It feels like I don’t do it for me, I do it for them. Maybe be it is true. No one really knows what goes on with me because I have a tendancy of isolating myself. Trust me even I dont like it but the last person I gave my heart out and tried to be vulnerable about the thoughts in my head made me feel like my problems aren't valid. Maybe they aren't...I don't really know.
I don’t feel shit about the talks that people give about living life to the fullest and to ''not be depressed'' but I accept them as a reason to not let everyone down. Maybe these people love me at their comfort I want them to think that they are helping. I want them to think that their "advice" has made me to feel better, to do better. What is really happening is that I am doing what I think they want to see me doing as a way to appease them. I’m not feeling the motivation, I am simply going through the motions to give them the peace of mind that I am OK.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not doing it to be fake, I just don’t want everyone to worry about me. I don’t want to be a burden for anyone and I don't even want some sympathy for it. You know I try sometimes, believe me I do, I try to use the advices and words of love and hope, to feel better. I want the emptiness to go away just as much as anyone, but it simply stays. I put on a brave face, a smile that lights up the room, and I pretend to be ok. I pretend to be full of life and truly happy. I JUST PRETEND....
But how do you fill your soul with joy when the emptiness has locked the gates and closed all the windows? You don’t. You just stay empty until you are not empty anymore....