Notes

Dear Edmund,

I guess it has already been three weeks since we've last seen each other. This time has been very transformative, albeit ambiguously so. I'm sure you can relate. Walking into these familiar streets, which used to be the only ones you knew, doesn't merely evoke a sense of nostalgia, but alienation. Not that they've changed much, you did. Gained experiences of the past year changed the way in which you relate to your surroundings. My sense of home has continuously been heavily disrupted, starting with me moving from Serbia to the Netherlands on my sixth birthday. That's why I struggle to grasp my cultural identity, torn as it is between multiple places. My family is an even more complicated story, whose pages took a dire turn way before my birth. Still, as fractured as this family tree was, I identified with my mother's side and most of all I identified with my mum. That was the building block of my sense of home. In this past year, I've realized this block is molded by guilt, formed during long years of a very toxic upbringing. This realization still feels like a misdeed honestly. Quarantine enabled this process, by accelerating all of our negative actions and reactions, but regardless of the acquired awareness, my mental health would continue to suffer as long as I stayed there. So when I moved out, I felt more happy and free than I'd ever been, even if this newfound self-assurance certainly wasn't stable. I was subconsciously on parole: as long as I answered her calls, provided her with emotional support and visited her every week, our relationship was great! The final puzzle piece was realizing how unequal and pedagogically unhealthy our relationship was for me. You've been and still are such a supportive force through this whole process and I'm infinitely grateful for this. As much as I'm trying to learn setting boundaries, it's immensely difficult and immediately invokes a familiar sense of responsibility and its following feeling of guilt. When I slightly succeeded to let this guilt go, frustration started coming up. I finally allowed myself self-pity, to feel frustrated about all of this injustice, which had felt deserved all of these years. With that crept up a looming loneliness: not only is my father a horrid human being, now my mother wasn't really a safe space for me either. Not that she really had been, but at least I deluded myself into thinking she was. Don't get me wrong, she always provided me with physical needs while under impossibly difficult circumstances and I really respect her for that. I just have to accept that even though she did the best she could and a lot of her problems are very understandably explained through her circumstances, she still did me grave injustices and sowed the seeds of mental issues that will keep haunting me for a long time. Another realization is that toxic parenting habits don't just emerge out of thin air; they are usually passed on by generation to generation. Boundless self-sacrifice and commitment is a running expectation in our family, it's not merely my mother. That's why my whole family suddenly felt alien to me, since I don't share their morals. Hence why upon arriving in Belgrade after a year, I felt isolated and estranged. The first few days were very depressing, as I struggled to cohabit with my mother after such a long time and missed my personal space to process all of my emotions. Even worse, when I told my mother how I felt and slightly cried she just proceeded to guilt trip me about my negative emotions and imply that I'm weak. My poetically ironic manifestation of toxic masculinity is thus not very surprising. Anyways, with my mother gone and wage slavery blatantly stealing alongside my wages, also a lot of my time, I frankly feel relatively at peace after such a tumultuous two weeks. I really look forward to seeing you again and conversing with you. I truly adore your intelligent thoughts and witty, kind and loving personality. We both have a lot to overcome, but I believe that step by step we're heading in the right direction. There's so much in the world to explore and experience, that I think we'll have enough to keep us busy. I'm so grateful that I've met you and that you are a part of my life. Thank you Edmund, I love you and hope to see you soon.

Lots of love,
Sofija <3