Notes

i'm not ready what am i thinking. you don't wanna get married because you're scared. you don't wanna date anyone because you're scared. you have too many issues. you're good enough to text and ft, but that's it. don't lie to yourself. you overthink way too much and look where it's gotten you. he's moving away next year hailee c'mon now. you're smarter than this. yea it's nice to feel appreciated and loved, but you do just fine on your own. dating isn't necessary. you can't be scared you're whole life, but would it really be a bad thing if you were? he's great and all, but think about for a sec. some things just don't add up. they don't make sense. he got out a relationship not even a week ago. he sexualizes everything. you guys are so different. and what about jacob? i know you haven't given him up yet no matter how much you wish you did. just cut yourself some slack, you've been through a lot. there's only so much someone can go through before they've had enough. you barely even know how you feel. you can't even get your feelings down on a piece of paper. you're struggling to write this right now.

i lost my own shadow. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know how to live in this world. everyone walks right past me, like I don't even exist and how the hell did i end up here, if I'm not alive. they're crying like I'm gone, i thought i survived. i'm trying so hard to stay. you got it in you. when the lights go out and leave you standing in the dark, no one ever told you this would be so hard, i know you think you're fire is burning out, but i still see it shining through. you got it in you. not everything you hear should sound like the truth. because nobody else's words can define you. you're gonna be okay, i know you. you've made it this far. you can't give up now. don't even pick up the blade hailee. please. we can't go back down that path, the pills need to stay away too. just take some deep breaths i know you're hyperventilating. you always get that way during anxiety attacks. they get worse and worse until you decide to get over it. so let's get over it please. i don't need people to be worried about you. you can defend yourself, you can control yourself. you don't need anyone else i promise. it's all you girl, no one else.

today was a better day by far, i spent most of it with brayla though. i'm kinda glad i didnt get to go to lima. i caught up with caleb earlier, it was pretty weird ngl. i'm not ready to go back to school, we have like a week left of break, but still. it causes me so much stress and anxiety and i literally hate it there. i can only stand choir and that's because we don't do anything. i can only stand cubberley because of her attitude. hainline just is weird and gets on my nerves 24/7. i'm getting bored of talking about my teachers. let's talk about something deep.

relationships. like they're nice and all, but eventually they get old. the spark isn't there anymore. there's no excitement left, and that's when the lies and arguments come in. now some people choose to ignore it because it's easier that way. that's where you get people that think they met their soulmate. it's dumb in my opinion like fr. there's no way to find someone perfect for you. and what's so great about marriage? like you're giving your whole life to someone. that can't be easy at all and people just throw it all away like it means nothing. idk how people devote their whole life to one thing. i don't ever really know how to feel if we're being honest. sometimes i think i'm super sure and then the next minute i'm overthinking the whole thing again. it's a toxic trait and i can't do much about it other than learn to trust myself. it's probably why my talking stages always fail, it's going well and then all of a sudden it isn't. it's rarely ever the guys fault, it's usually mine. i try my hardest to not let things get to me, but the smallest things can make all the difference in the long run. well they do to an overthinker like me, but that's not how everyone feels. i've never quite understood how people can go from relationship to relationship. i probably could do it easily if i really wanted to, but my heart wouldn't allow it. i'll mope for weeks and months until i've decided i can't get upset anymore. pain and sadness are never temporary, it just gets covered by different feelings. most of which we think are love and happiness when in reality it's all just a cover up. like a masquerade ball, your emotions are a mystery until the night is over and you're all alone. then you have to face reality again, you have to take your mask off and remind yourself of why you put the mask on in the first place.

i haven't hung with natalie or maddie recently and it's sad. soooo that's why i'm hanging with them this week. natalie and maddie can both get on my nerves sometimes, it's just once i'm with them for extended periods of time. i try my best to not get annoyed with them, but sometimes it's hard. i mean people get annoyed with me all the time so i guess i can't say anything. hanging with maddie was fun, i was on ft with brenden most of the time so that was nice. i love ranting gonna be honest.

i was trying to sleep last night at maddies and i obviously didn't have my bear so it was pretty hard. every time i opened my eyes brenden would say something like "hailee it's okay you're safe you can sleep" and that just like broke my heart and idk why. on a different note holden is so two faced and i can't get over it. he's literally flirting with a bunch of freshman. the only one who is actually giving him the attention he wants is lauren. i guess lauren is getting the attention she wants so whatever. but when he catches a case just know i told her so. he's not good for her, he's not good for anyone. it pisses me off to the max like ughhhh. 🙄 i kinda miss my dad and tiffany, which is weird because i'm usually happy to not see them.

imma hit this kid so hard the first time i see him. imma smack the glasses right off his face. i really do like him though i'll give him that. he makes me smile he just gets on my nerves sometimes. im gonna unplug his game don't even try me. don't, don't, don't, don't. this bitch wants to get hit i just know he does. the bear will always get more love than him at this point. the bear deserves it more than him. maybe if i hit my head against the wall enough i'll forget about him. maybe that'll be better in the long run. damnnn i really just got called ugly AND an improper fraction. at least maddie played with my hair, he won't play with mine. maddie even scratched my back. imma kms because of him. watch me do it. if i die and y'all find this he's the reason. this escalated very quickly, i hate it here.

idrk what his deal is... he already seems so distant it's barely been a week. did i already fuck up? he's being rude and has barely snapped me all day. i really played myself with this one now didn't i. i knew this was gonna happen. and yet i let it happen. i stayed, i always stay and i always get hurt. when am i gonna learn to give up. i logged out of snap so i guess we'll see if he says anything, i doubt he will, but it's okay. on a different note, brayla likes dalton. like wtf, it actually pisses me off. i've told her about him, he knows how awful of a person he is, yet she doesn't listen. when she was friends with gretchen she talked shit about him all the time. and now that she's friends with dalton she talks shit about gretchen. like i love her and all, but she's the fakest bitch i know. she's so two-faced toward all of her friends. it's no wonder she gets new ones all the time. i've started to catch up with stephen. we were friends back in march. i don't really remember why we stopped talking, but i do remember him. i miss him as a friend, he was always so understanding. i'm really glad i can get to know him again. i mean frankly we're both just sad now, but what's new. i'm also going through my old spotify playlists... it's bringing back a lot of memories that's for sure. i'm not quite sure what memories exactly, i more remember how i was feeling when i listened to all these songs. the last time i wrote lots of shit on this website i lost it all. i really don't wanna do that again. i'll honestly probably cry. bro he's so grown up wtfff. like it's only been like 6 or so months. bro i can't find my new silver necklace and i'm sad about it. also, i think my earrings are in my dive back but i'm not so sure.




well guys i haven't been able to write in a while. mainly because brenden ruined it for me lol. i'm in mock trial right now and i'm gonna try to write a little bit when i'm free. i had a real bad night last night and i'm definitely not proud of it. i had a bit of a panic attack because i couldn't find my xacto blade... idk why i had one. maybe i feel safe when i have it ? i really couldn't tell you. i'm not doing mock trial next year like i can't do that. it's not something i thoroughly enjoy doing. being a homicide detective and being an attorney are completely different. i wanna be in the actual, not in the aftermath. i wanna make the decisions that make court happen. if i were anywhere else and if brenden hadn't hurt me maybe i could write more and deeper. i don't even wanna do anything today like at all. and i have no motivation to go to dive, i also don't know what i'm gonna do with my cuts tonight. like how do i hide them if i'm in a bathing suit and the cuts are on my arm. well i had to cross and recross micah aka kendal so i didn't have anytime to write.

well i'm here again lol idrk what to write about. i wrote some poetry last night, it didn't go great, but it's better than it has been. mabry won't leave me alone, like i'm sorry bro i love your cousin. speaking of brenden i was texting him last night asking about if anything he said and did was real and some other stuff. long story short he wouldn't tell me. he told me to add him back on snap and we'd talk tomorrow. well it's tomorrow at 5pm and i still haven't heard anything, i'm beyond scared to snap him first so i guess we waiting. i literally can't type with these nails like miss gurl just type faster and correctly. so overall i like my nails, but they're hard to type with and i make way more mistakes. like i try my best to type with these, but i just can't. i feel so stupid i'll be honest. me typing at this speed is like peoples typing regular but you know what i'm just built different. i have dive tonight and i might cry, i guess it's a capt building practice so it won't be horrible. 🙂🔫

bro brenden never smiles like maybe act like you enjoy life for a second. we never talked things out, but whatever he wouldn't talk to me anyway. i can't type on this without thinking about him... i hate it, but it's the truth. just snapping back and forth though is enough for me. as long as he's in my life i'm happy. i think this'll be good for me as long as i don't get attached, which is hard for me....oops. brayla gets off work at 8:30 so i'm gonna go stay at her house. let's just hope i'll be able to wake her up in the morning to take me to dive lol. i don't wanna go at all, like at all. mock trial went well though, surprisingly. being an attorney was a lot of fun even though the defense attorney kept objecting me and tried to impeach danielle. like bro i have the facts to back my shit up, but nice try. aliya and danielle weren't very good though. they kept saying "um" a lot and were very hesitant. it honestly made us look dumb, but whatever. i'll probably work with grace next year, we'd both completely body as an attorney team. i hope i can hang with jacob tonight, but he's terrible about answering his snaps. like just answer omggg.

it's a couple days later and i didn't hang with jacob. it's alright though i can't think right now and it's real tough. i had my first day of work yesterday and i actually really liked it. i did food running and it's so chill back in the kitchen. i don't think i want to host at all actually. overall it's not a bad job, i think i won't like it as much when we're busy, but it's alright because i'll be making that bank. i won't earn much my first paycheck or two because i can't work as much with dive. today i had an awful practice, everyone did. my knee gave out so many times. austin cried, holden cut his finger, sara smacked, and paige was about to have a mental breakdown. so yea fun lol considering wbls are on thursday. if my knee gives out or i hurt it at wbls it's over for me and my soccer season. i don't wanna hurt my knee anymore. but if i don't go to wbls i can't go to districts. i kinda just wanna cry, but i'm on ft with kyler rn. he won't leave me alone like holy fuck. you literally live in texas and are always horny like boy bye. i just wanna sleep, but no i can't because kyler would yell at me.

well i had to sit out the last set of dives at wbls so that was fun. just kidding i was crying and in a lot of pain. i went to the doctors the next day, long story short, i'm on more anxiety meds, i'm out of dive, and i have to go back to pt. also that night i hung with brayla, jack, dale, amd jacob. jacob and i kinda sorta cuddled, it's not gonna go anywhere though. he's horrible with relationships and i haven't hungout with him since. i do like him, it's just after brenden i don't know how to feel towards anyone. i miss him, i really do, but i can't do anything about it. he's doing just fine without me which is the worst part. he won't even talk to me anymore. he also reassured me he wouldn't leave lol. i should've seen right through that lie.

i haven't written in a hot second mainly because i've either forgotten about it or i just haven't had time. bro i just wanna binge horror movies with someone all night, but that's a dream. kyler is really getting on my nerves tonight like bro stop.

well. here we are again. i would do anything for it to be christmas break again. to facetime him again. to just hear his laugh again. but he doesn't want me, he doesn't even talk to me anymore. i just wish i would've met him at a different time, maybe then things would've been different. i try to like other people and it never works which makes me go back to him. all my friends say he doesn't deserve me, but i think i don't deserve him. yea he can be a dick and get on my nerves, but he made me feel something. something i'd never felt before. a feeling nobody's been able to give me before. i was to much for him. simple as that. it's the sad truth, but i knew it would happen. i wish he could read this, but at the same time i don't because i know he won't care. i always go back and reread all the times i wrote about him while we were on ft... there isn't that many, but it's enough to still hurt. he made it seem like he really cared and he'd never leave and then he did. most days i don't even think about him, but when i do all the memories hit hard. he's the one that made me start writing like this. so now whenever i do it i feel like i need to read it to him because that's what i always did. but now his attention is focused on someone else, whoever she is she better not screw up. she best not let him go. i lost him. i didn't let go, but it hurts all the same. i remember almost all the time we spent together. i remember when he built a whole coffee table for his mom while she was at work. and he let me sleep on ft while he did it. i remember all the times he would bring me in the shower with him and set me up so i could only see his face and he'd always make stupid faces at me. but the thing i most miss and remember is the times where i saw genuine feelings. within the way he looked at me, spoke to me, and treated me. i didn't believe in love, i still don't, but even for a split second he made me believe it was real and that i could experience it. i try so hard to hate him because of how he left, but i can't. i'll never be able to hate him. maybe i went to fast for him, that's on me, but treating a girl the way he did and then just dropping her... it wasn't right. i still wish everything good for him, even if it's not with me. i need to accept the fact that he's not coming back because everything was fake. he faked everything and i fell for it. and that's on me. you know i didn't say his name once in this, but any of my close friends would be able to read it and know who it's about in a heartbeat because in reality he's different. he is and always will be different.

my parents will never understand anything. my dad and tiffany don't know how to answer i simple fucking question. my mom plays the victim card and tries to tell me that i don't actually feel the way i feel and every teenager feels like this. like no mom. i literally cut myself. i want to die most days. the only thing that makes me feel better is writing, hanging out with friends, and playing sports. my injury, my parents, and school stress me out so much. i've had so much trauma and they obviously don't fucking see it. i don't even know what else to say because i'm scared if i do i'll start crying.

well. here we are again. it's been awhile hasn't it. i'm sorry to myself. i put my body through so much physically so mentally i can't be overwhelmed. i work my ass off just so i don't have to think about anything other than work. i barely even think about school anymore. i just kinda show up, go to class, and then leave. when i was in middle school i had such big plans for myself, but i was motivated then, i was decently happy then. now i'm just lucky to get up in the morning. it scares me honestly. how am i ever gonna be successful if i feel like that all the time. i'm so tempted to cut again. i don't even know why. i just feel like i have to in order to feel okay even though i always feel shitty after i do it. the scars from last time are the worst they've been. it's because i went fast and applied more pressure. i don't wanna do it. i don't but i feel like eventually i won't be able to stop myself. i zone out so much now as well as eating and sleeping constantly. i'm turning into everything i was scared to become and i have no idea how to stop it. i wish i felt comfortable telling brittany or my parents about this stuff. i trust brittany, i just know she would tell mom and i can't blame her. it must be scary to have someone tell you what i would tell her.

he texted me today. he replied to my story saying my smile looked goofy. that's the first time he's talked to me in months. i still miss him, i'm afraid i always will. which scares me yk. he was different than the others. in the way he talked, looked, and cared about me. he's already grown so much these past couple months. i just wish i would've been able to see and grow with him. i'm scared to even text him back. i feel like if i even say or do the slightest thing wrong he'll leave again. i don't know if i'm more upset or pissed. i'm so mad that he gets to be unaffected and act like nothing even happened, but at the same time i still miss him so much. the audacity of this boy. he really thought i was fine? yea fucking right. he'll always mean so much to me. hell. i even told kennedy about him. i'm glad she never asked about him. he shouldn't matter to me, he treated me so good and then just left. he doesn't and never cared about you hailee. get that through your head.

landon was a no go. brenden is still a no go. jacob and kaden murlin are trying to get me. which whatever it doesn't mean much to me. and uh yea that's the update. i need to do homework so i might write later, probably not.