Notes

hello ryu
speech: (in this speech im talking to the friend)
i wish to transform all the emotions out of you. Or take away whatever it is you are feeling. i might not know precisely what you're dealing with, or maybe i do. I think i do. Something holds me back all the time, and that is the person i used to be. Her ghost follows me every where, not to haunt me, but to remind me. If you want, i'll sit beside you in silence. I suppose it understands more, doesn't it? Silence and loneliness. They felt quite right didn't they? To tell you the truth, isn't silence what lured you into this? I learned once that everything good used excessively will turn against you at the end. What i mean by that is...you can reach out now. Just let go of it and reach out. With speaking! Empty out your sad like emptying out a bag.
Let me ask you something else, when you close your eyes, what do you see? Don't imagine anything, just simply close you eyes. You see a sort of darkness, a soft one. An endurable one, unlike a darkness of a room or a corner. A darkness you can be okay in, because it is caused by your own self. And i think that's whats its all about, don't you? To feel okay with your own darkness.
Now, if you want you can lay down on the ground beside a wall, and drift into it and just disappear. Or, you can allow the wall to drift into you and toughen you up, and to create a barrier. A barrier you can't even break.
The decision is yours really, but before you choose, i'd like to introduce you to Empathy. You used to know it quite well back in the days when you were filled with folly. You dont need a sense of hope or love at the moment, you need a sense of empathy. That even when you're despondent and ill and all black or a complete asshole or a lonely soul, you still want someone there not tell you "dont loose hope" but to tell you " i feel you." you want someone to just feel and understand without you asking, and if there was then certainly it would spark hope.
You should know that i dont pity you, i am not even sad. What i do feel, is you. And you feel me. And that is what empathy is. To feel and understand and accept each other's dark frightening side. It is quite a rare state, i suppose. My words may be flowing in and out of you, but that does not matter, what matters is that you are hearing. And lisenting. And so will i. You see, we all meet each other with our misery. It is what all humans have in common. Emotions. We all want to feel worthy, not to anyone, but to ourselves. I know that it seems like your brain drowns on its own thoughts and slowly you suffocate on my own breath. Because so do i. I know that you want to be okay without trying. Because so do i. You want it all to go away with a snap. You don't want to endure the battle, but the ending of it. Where everything is placid, not only with yourself, but also with the world as well.
Selfish, you can be that.
You are not obliged at all actually. I can still remain in silence beside you, and if you do, then know that there is no one in the world to blame but yourself. It is such a permanent decision, for temporary problems! I feel you, and if i did not posses a modicum of empathy, then i would not be here. You did not fall my dear, you trembled. You did not break, you just shook. Souls, they're not a fully, clear shape. They're pieces stuck together, and pieces don't break into more pieces, they just separate. And it is for us to reform them into another shape. Reach out! It does not do you well to lock everything in, not anymore, not when you've reached this level. It It does not do you well to hate it either, not anymore, it will drain you. And lastly, it does not do US well to not hear you. So, please. please. please. Just please. Don't.