Notes

Prologue. I guess.



“We’re making a huge mistake.”

Spaghetti kept pushing their cart towards the ship. They turned one head towards Kryp’goo.

“What do you mean?”

Their left head remained fixated on Kryp’goo while the other looked ahead.

“This. What we’re doing now. All we’re doing is pushing the problem onto someone else. Literally.”

“So?”

The cage on top of the cart began to growl.

“Down boy!”

Spaghetti turned both their heads to the cart. They pulled out a shock stick and sparked the creature inside, but it only served to agitate it further. It growled more intensely, shuddering the cage with each breath. Spaghetti dropped the stick inside, and the creature began to feast on it. Sparks erupted and the cart shook furiously, rattling out of Spaghetti’s hands.

Then it was calm again.

Spaghetti grabbed the cart and resumed pushing, maintaining more distance and caution. They turned the same head towards Kryp’goo.

“You were saying?”

“I still think it’s wrong.”

“I don’t see you pushing this damn cart.”

“It’s not my job.”

“Then it’s not your job to worry about where this goes,” they said while tilting both heads towards the cart.

“Well I can’t help it. We’re an advanced intergalactic species with the highest level of intellect in the universe, and the best plan we came up with to deal with this was to put into a box and make someone else deal with it.”

“Just because we couldn’t come up with a solution doesn’t mean some other species won’t find one. Besides, we have a contact down on Earth. She’ll know what to do with it.”

“She?”

“Yeah, this planet still has genders. They’re pretty far along the evolutionary path, but they’ve still got millennia before they catch up to our civilization. Anyways, this isn’t the first job we’ve sent down to this planet. When we lack an elegant solution of our own, we kick the problem down to these folks and they come up with something so unspeakably barbaric, we destroy any record of the process, and that’s the end of that.”

The cage rustled.

“And hopefully the end of this as well.”

“If we’ve done this before, then I guess I’m worried over nothing.”

“That’s the spirit.”

Spaghetti and Kryp’goo reached the ship. A team of dock workers grabbed the cart from Spaghetti and rushed it on to the cargo bay. Once it was secured, all hatches were sealed and the ship blasted off heading to the planet Kryp’goo had no knowledge of until moments ago. After watching the take off, Kryp’goo turned towards Spaghetti.

“Think they’ll figure something out?”

“Not a chance.”












Ch. 1. By convention



When one reads about genderless two headed aliens, one wouldn’t expect the story to move to a warehouse on Earth. With a creature so unspeakably evil that not a single word of description is offered, so uncontrollable that the aforementioned advanced alien species abandoned any strategy to neutralize the threat, how in the hell could a warehouse offer any solutions to the impending demise of the human race?

The better question is how did the employees manage to not destroy the Earth already?

Not a single law enforcement agency would recognize them for the domestic terrors they actually were, but on paper Jane, Thomas and Solomon were simply three employees who delivered packages, not unlike UPS. The biggest difference between these two enterprises is that for the employees of Hermes Delivery Services, HDS for short, a bad delivery would upset the balance of the natural order and bring about the destruction of all of humanity.

Jane, while not officially the leader, was the most mature of the three. She had jet black hair and bangs that covered her eyes, a look well suited for an aspiring musician. However, her colorful clothing style often clashed with the goth and metal scene, and though she was determined to break out in those genres, no band would take her on for her lack of conformity. She ended up taking the delivery job to pay for her rent.

Currently, the employees of HDS were all sitting on opposite corners of the room, equidistant from a phone placed in the middle. They gazed intensely at the polished chrome, beads of sweat dropping from their foreheads.

Sitting at the corner left of Jane was Thomas. Well, his real name was Thomás, but he only let his family call him that. He roomed with his older brother Mike and spent most of his time playing video games and reading comics. A layabout for most of his life, it took a force of nature, in the form of his brother punting him out of their apartment, to disrupt his daily routines of media consumption. He ended up taking the delivery job to start paying his share of the rent.

Already you can see how the eclectic mix were harbingers of doom.

Lastly, there was the lanky Solomon, the son of Taiwanese immigrants. He was a former college student studying Political Science, who dreamed of becoming a legislative champion of the people. His vision was unfortunately set back by his inability to attend any of his lectures, and he soon flunked out of his university. He still needed a job for rent and you get the idea.



It was a slow day, so the group was playing a game. The rules were simple. The first to reach the phone and speak with a customer would get a point, and the winner with the most points at the end of the day would have bragging rights. Much was at stake.

The phone rang. All three launched themselves from their chairs without hesitation.

Solomon was the tallest of the group and had a reach advantage, but Jane and Thomas adapted appropriate tactics long ago. For Jane and Thomas, it was a game of chess. Both knew one of them had to knock Solomon's hand out of the way or else he would automatically win. However, one person would be left free to go for the phone while the other was blocking.

“Jane, you block Solomon this time. I’ve done it the last three games,” Thomas shouted.

“Screw you guys, I play to win,” Jane screeched.

“Can you guys stop overthinking this stupid game?” Solomon pleaded.

Thomas didn't break this round and went straight for the phone, but his audacity could not change fate. All three of the employees’ hands landed nearly simultaneously, but Solomon's hand was at the bottom of the pile. He picked up the phone and victoriously proclaimed, “Aha!” to the chagrin of a disappointed Thomas.

Jane snatched the phone out of his grasp. Solomon threw his hands up in disgust, while Jane stuck her tongue out and shooed him away.

“Hermes’ Delivery Service, how can we help you?”

She motioned for the group to get their things ready. “Yes, we do offer personal pick ups.”

Thomas went back to his corner, grabbing a baseball bat, while Solomon packed a crossbow and a handful of bolts. It’s the little things that distinguished them from UPS.

“Alright, we'll schedule you for a pick-up half an hour from now. Please have a major credit or debit card ready when we arrive. Thank you for calling Hermes' Delivery services.”

Jane hung up the phone, disgusted with providing quality customer service. She grabbed her sharpened bass guitar and flipped her bangs out of her eyes. “Alright boys, we got ourselves a delivery job.”

_____________________________________________________


“Remember that one time where we had to pick up a package with a towing truck, and it turned out to be a huge robot mech all along?” Thomas asked. He scooted into the middle seat of the el camino.

“Why would you remember that now?” Solomon asked back, placing the groups gear on the flatbed.

“I don’t know. I thought I’d bring it up in case we ever do a cool prequel story detailing how we all met together.”

“You mean a memoir?”

“Nah, something more literary.”

“Our lives are not a story.”

“Says you.”

“Would you two shut your traps and get ready to go?” Jane shouted.

Their seating arrangement never changed. The el camino was Jane's car, so she always drove. Solomon was the tallest so he always sat in the passenger seat. This left Thomas, the shortest of the bunch, to always sit in the middle without exception.

They were steadily cruising along the highway under the night sky, with Jane explaining the sparse details of the job to the others.

“We have a medium sized package we need to transport to the next town over.”

“Nouveau Valley?” Thomas asked.

“That's the one.”

“Anything special we need to know?” Solomon inquired.

“Nah, it's just some standard jewelry and high priced trinkets.”

“Damn,” Thomas said, scratching his nose. “Well is the pay any good this time?”

“Still minimum wage.”

“Goddamnit.”

“I don't have to remind you guys, but remember there's no stealing from the client. 'Mom' said another branch recently had to fire a bunch of their staff for that reason, so she's keeping a closer eye on us.”

Mom was not Jane’s mother, nor was she even a mother by any stretch of the imagination. When asked for a name, the boss who at the time was the sole employee of HDS decided on ‘Mom’ and had been addressed as such since. Perhaps it was cruel irony. She withheld the groups paychecks for the first month, hoping the job would kill them all before the next pay period.

“Yeah, yeah,” Solomon said. “What else is new?”

“I didn’t even know we had other branches,” Thomas said disinterestedly.

“Well there is, and if we don’t want to go back to being jobless shmucks then let’s not screw this assignment up. Got it?”

Thomas and Solomon straightened up in their seats. Unemployment was not an option either of them could afford.

“Got it,” they said in unison.

“Good, because we’re here.”

Jane parked the el camino. The engine sputtered for a moment then fell silent. She climbed out of the car, feeling the heat radiate from the engines. She grabbed her bass from the flatbed, throwing the crossbow and bat to Solomon and Thomas. “Keep your eyes open,” she said. “There might be an ambush waiting for us.”

The client’s house was up ahead with dim lights along the path to the front door. Several palm trees lined up behind the lights, too thin to hide any assailants, but not so thin that the trio let down their guard.

Solomon scouted ahead of the group, searching behind the trees for signs of traps. He had long gotten used to fighting various foes such as thieves and assassins, the natural enemies of any delivery service, with his co-workers. He scanned the area. No signs of any danger yet.

Jane walked up behind Solomon, her bass guitar in tow. “See anything?”

“Nothing for now. I think we’re clear.”

Jane seemed unconvinced.

“Let’s keep moving. The sooner we get the package, the sooner we get out of here.”

They headed to the house, keeping an eye out for any surprise attacks. Finally convinced that there would be no fight to the death, Jane knocked on the front door, changing her usual stoic expression to her peppy customer service smile. It frightened Thomas and Solomon to no end. The door opened.

“Well hello dearies,” said a wrinkled old lady, completely unbothered by the three people carrying weapons in front of her. She stood by the entrance holding a brown box, her arms lined with ornate bracelets. “I trust the drive here was alright?”

“It was pleasant,” Jane said smiling the fakest of smiles. “Have we been keeping you long?”

“Oh not at all. I do believe you requested a major credit card on arrival?”

“That’s right.”

“Will Mastercard do the job?”

Thomas and Solomon snickered. I mean honestly, who uses Mastercard when there are far superior options like Visa―

Jane elbowed the two in their stomachs. They keeled over while she continued smiling and chatting with the client.

“Mastercard will work perfectly. Why don’t we go ahead and swipe you in and then we’ll be off.”

“That sounds lovely, dear.”

The woman handed her card over to Jane, who raised her hand out to Solomon. Still keeled over in pain, he handed his cell phone with the card reader attachment. After a few seconds of swiping and entering numbers, Jane handed the card and phone back to their respective owners.

“You’re all set. Why don’t we take that package off your hands and we’ll be on our way.”

“Oh thank you so much,” said the old woman. “I hardly ever get a chance to talk with you young folk, and it’s so refreshing to see how polite your generation is―”

Still smiling, Jane grabbed the package out of the client’s hands and slammed the door shut. She turned around, reverting back to her grim self, and headed for the el camino. The others followed behind.

“Man, Jane, that was kind of rude,” Solomon said. He looked behind their backs, hoping the old lady wouldn’t scold them from her window.

“Pretty fucked up if you asked me,” Thomas added. “I mean, she just wanted to have a nice conversation, and you literally slammed the door in her face.”

“Yeah, well, I hate people,” Jane proclaimed.

That much was obvious to the dudes.

“If that lady kept talking to me I would have punched somebody in the gut, so if you’re fine with that then by all means, let’s go back and chat with the geezer.”

“No I think we’re good. Filled my quota of gut punching a minute ago,” Solomon said, rubbing his sore belly.

The three co-workers walked up to the el camino, placed their weapons on the flatbed and piled into the car. As they headed for Nouveau Valley, Thomas took the package in his hands and shook it in the air. Clinging sounds. Just a boring jewelry job, just as Jane had said earlier. He sighed.

“Guys, do you remember the delivery job right before the mech? You know, the one with the fruit basket?”

“Oh yeah, that was the one where a clan of ninjas attacked us out of nowhere, right?” Jane said, still focusing on the road.

“Do you think we’ll have any exciting jobs like that one again? I mean, I know we’re constantly at risk with our delivery job, but it’s been pretty tame these last few runs.”

“I know what you mean,” Solomon said. “It’s been pretty quiet this month. No hitmen, no mercenaries, no child dictators bent on world domination. It’s like we have a normal job all of a sudden.”

Jane chuckled. “The one thing this job will never be is ‘normal’.”

“Hey, a person can dream, can’t they?”

“I kind of miss all the action,” Thomas said. He looked down at the dull box before him. The potential for excitement was at zero percent. “Fighting ninjas, battling monsters in giant robot mechs, I thought this job was the best thing that ever happened to me. But now it feels like we’re just going through the motions. For christ’s sake, we’re delivering an old woman’s box of trinkets. What exciting thing could possibly happen with this?”

“The AARP could send their wheelchair death squad after us,” Solomon interjected.

“Really?” Thomas’ eyes perked up. It was better than nothing.

“No, I just made that up. The only evil thing old people do is vote Republican.”

“God damnit, Solomon.”

“What? I’m serious, have you seen the latest statistics on voter demographics?”

“Just...leave me alone.”

Thomas looked up into the night sky from his middle seat. If he was sitting in the passenger seat, he might have seen a shooting star and made a wish for more excitement. Luckily, it was the alien spaceship containing an intergalactic monster and a promise for exciting times ahead, but neither Thomas nor his compatriots would know about it until the next day.

They arrived at their destination and successfully delivered their package to an old woman who looked just like their client. Twin sisters as it turned out. Afterwards, Jane dropped Thomas and Solomon off at their homes, eager to get some sleep before going back to work. Each one of the three believed they had finally reached a lull in their chaotic lives.